Flower Power

Have you ever noticed anyone with a flower name seems to be different than other people?
Our family likes to watch Hyacinth on the PBS show "Keeping Up Appearances". Besides her flower name, her sisters are Daisy (married to Onslow who never wears a shirt), Rose (the "loose" one) and Violet (who has a sauna, Mercedes & room for a pony). While these ARE special people, I was thinking about some other women I know & met with flower names.

When we first moved to Oklahoma, more specifically Broken Arrow. Ms. Rose was one of the very first people I met at church & at my job at the church pre-school. She had poofy blonde Betty White hair and was no more than 5 feet 1 inch tall. She was ALWAYS smiling and you didn't even have to wonder if she was a grandmother, she just has that air about her. Her makeup was flawless and her appearance was never anything casual. Her shoes always matched & were usually some fun color. Her beauty started within, but just radiated to you. Being around her made you smile. Even today she is ageless. She just looks like a pretty grandma. And a fun one too.

Although I was excited to teach again & have a job outside of the home, I was not thrilled with leaving my 4 month old baby boy. But once I found out Ms. Rose had taken care of almost everyone's baby's at church, sometimes generations, I felt okay about son#1 being across the hall away from me. I've never met anyone quite like Ms. Rose. I've never seen anyone calm a baby like she can. She's never afraid if they cry or won't eat. She hums & rocks them, just smiles and loves them. Never looses her patience and just exudes confidence to where you never need to ask why she would do something. One in a million, that's our Ms. Rose.

Today I met another woman with flower power to her name. Ms. Daisy. Seeing her my mind immedietly went to my memories of Ms. Rose. Ms. Daisy was on my oldest son's bus. (maybe HE has some magnatism to call these women to him!) Ms. Donna his bus driver said Ms. Daisy is a helper on another bus but they didn't have a route today, so she was tagging along with the Bush Shuttle. (all the buses have names of Presidents) This woman's beauty was so evident the first time I glanced at her. I admit I TRY to remember to fully dressed (you women know that means a bra) before taking the kids to the bus. Today was a day I didn't really want to get fully dressed. I knew Ms. Donna & Ms. Jeanne wouldn't care, but I caved & had on jeans and a t-shirt when I took son#1 to the bus. Thank goodness I did! There sat Ms. Daisy, although wearing similar clothes to mine, hers looked MUCH better and her hair was all pulled back in a stylish bun/ponytail. Rings on most fingers, nice manicured nails, better than mine and her makeup was impecible. I was just SO impressed by her smile & charm. What a cutie she was!

Ms. Donna noted the fact I had some of my voice back today and I was looking better. I scoffed at this & had the decency to blush since I was in the presence of Ms. Daisy and of course did not look as good as she did. I mentioned I couldn't possibly look as good as Ms. Daisy & hoped at her age, whatever that might be, I would look as beautiful. She took my compliment and threw out with no reserve her age was 72 years old! SEVENTY-TWO YEARS OLD!? There was no way this woman was over 62. I couldn't believe it and told her so. I didn't care if I looked like I was sucking up, she looked fabulous for her age & a lot of other people's too. I told her I thought it might have something to do with her hands looking so young. She seemed to take some pleasure in my remarks but not really suprised by them. I brought my camera on the bus when they returned at the end of the day with the sole purpose of taking this woman's picture. She is going to be my motivation as my years go on to keep up those beauty routines.

Whether it's the Betty White poofy hairdo, the smile or the trail of thick perfume, Ms. Rose & Ms. Daisy are two women of the same character. They share that aura that makes you want to trust them & believe in their charm. Their smiles truly light up a room and make you feel loved, accepted & confident in their abilities. These women with flower power names aren't easily forgotten and are probably such a joy to their family, they don't mind sharing them with the rest of us. I don't know that every person with a flower name is as special as these two, but I think if I had a daughter (don't worry mom, I'm NOT pregnant) I may have to name her after a flower & pray for that presence to be given to her.

True Love

Last night as Daddy was tucking son#1 & I into bed, #1 son came up with some thought provoking questions.
This is how the conversation went.

son#1-"My Papa is dead."

me-"Yes I know."

son#1-"But that makes me sad."

me-"Me too."

son#1-"But I'll never see him again!"

(look exchanged between me & daddy gauging this wasn't the time to have the "heaven talk")

daddy-"Jackson do you have pictures in your head of Papa?"

son#1-"Yes."

me-"Then you can think of those fun pictures when you miss Papa."

daddy-"You'll always have those."

me-"Yes."

son#1-"I don't like that Nana's alone. That's why I left her Obi-Wan's ghost.

son#1-"What is true love?"

me-"When a woman & man love each other more than anyone else."

son#1-"Papa was Nana's true love."

son#1-"Mommy is Daddy your true love?"

me-"Yes, that's why I married him."

son#1-"Well I want to get married!"

daddy-"You have to be big like Mommy & me first."

me-"Yep, all grown-up first. A long time from now."

son#1-"Hmmm I wonder who my true love is?"

(we see the wheels turning wondering which Star Wars or tv character he'll name)

son#1-"I know! Caitlyn will be my true love! (his cousin he just saw this weekend!)

(daddy bursting into fits of laughter rolling off the bed-mommy trying not to make this a bid deal so OCD boy doesn't get it in his head this is a great idea)

me-"That's nice you like Caitlyn but you can't marry her. She's your cousin."

son#1-"Then who is my true love!?"

(daddy still having the giggles)

me-"You have plenty of time to decide this, but maybe Rylee will be your true love. You've known her a long time & she's your friend."

son#1-"Okay."

(boys are so fickle)

President's Day

It's Presidents day & for some reason my #1 son is just as excited about today as if it was Christmas. He also enjoyed Febuary 12th-Lincoln's birthday. Lately he's been obsessed with President Lincoln. They started learning more about him at school this month, along with Harriet Tubman & Martin Luther King Jr. And he was very interested in the all the Presidents. His teacher started using a website called BrainPopJr.com. It's very informative & the kids just love it. I knew it was good stuff when he asked to play on it when he got home from school rather than his Star Wars game.
He's expressed great interest in all the presidents on coins too. He has them all memorized. One night he was quizzing us on them & when my husband thought he'd be all smart & ask him who was on the fifty cent piece. He smartly replied, "I don't know, but do you know who's on the half dollar?" Needless to say, we laughed at that one for quite awhile. As we checked out at his book fair last week he said "That's Jackson." The vounteer checking us out said, "I know your name". To which #1 son replied, "No, that's ANDREW JACKSON". Meaning the $20 bill I gave her.

He's also been very concerned about Lincoln & where he grew up and where his parents are. And Friday at school when they showed his class the new $1 coins being released with George Washington on it, he grabbed his play money penny all excited & shouted "Release Lincoln, release!" I guess he was hoping he might be released from the coin & come alive. He also refers to the Lincoln memorial on the penny as "Lincoln's house on the tail". And of course John Wilkes Booth shot Lincoln. This is important to Lincoln's story & according to #1 son, makes him Lincoln's "enemy".

Being that my son watches & plays a lot of Star Wars games, he is now learning about death & dying. It's sort of neat to see him learn the lesson slowly & easily as a child should. Grasping the knowledge of someone not ever coming back. It's been following along with my father having died a year ago Febuary 12th. My son makes mention of this every time we go see my mother asking "Where's your Papa?". He waits for the usual answer he knows that comes with this question. "You know Papa died & lives in heaven as an angel now." To which he always promptly replies "I know." So now that his Star Wars characters are dying & the Jedi are turning into ghosts, he began to ask qustions. We finally put it in terms our literal thinker could get. Ghosts are pretend & only there when pretend people die, like in your game. When real people die like Nana2 & Papa, they are angels. You never see angels. That's the difference.

**"Is Lincoln a ghost or an angel?"
**"Why didn't Lincoln duel (like in SWars) John Wilkes Booth?"
**"Are the north soliders like the Empire? And the south are the rebels?"

#1 son got so into the Civil War from his Lincoln phase that he wanted to use his army men to act out the civil war. We found some army men that were "Civil war men from the battle of Gettysburg" at Hobby Lobby. He loves them.
So happy President's Day to you all and as my #1 son says "There are lots of way we can celebrate Lincoln's life."

"Clean up on aisle 6 please!"

Just a small ranting, if you will, on customer service. Oh and it's not completely Politically Correct either I'm sure.

*Why do I get the SAME speech impaired guy with the extra large lips at the pharmacy every time?? Is there a reason that they put HIM at the drive-thru window? Do they see me coming and do a switch-a-roo on me? The ONE time I went inside to try & ward off the same old monologue I have with blubber lips, he was at the register!! Do you believe that luck?! Soon discovering we were at an impass of understanding he hands me off to the only non-American born pharmacy tech. She happens to JUST be learning our little English language. Broken would be quite an understatement since she told me my total was "Eight hundred dolla." Although I guess with it being medication, $800 isn't totally out of the realm of possibility is it? Seems just the job for someone new to our wonderful country though. Like insurance isn't frustrating enough without the Apple Dumpling Gang waiting on me!!!!

**I would think cash registers for stores cost at least a thousand dollars a piece. I'm just guessing here, but let's use that amount for arguments sake. WHY do you think a store would have say, 8-9 registers in their store yet continually have ONE CHECKER AT ONE REGISTER?? Aren't they loosing money? I know this because I go there a lot. I mean A LOT. And is it Murphy's Law that she is has a white beehive & checker Jane happens to be the oldest employee in the store?? If it's not Murphy's Law, perhaps it's the same law that includes sticking the brand new middle aged employee at the fabric department without a guardian.
It's always fun to have a worker so consumed by what they are doing they talk to themselves through the whole procedure & hush you as you try to help them find their ticket book after it's been 3 minutes. Or snap at you to take your debit card back like it was your idea she keep it on the register? I know you have to learn somewhere, but perhaps a little help besides writing out the process on a scratch piece of paper might be more helpful for the new "girl". Or at least let you out of the store before you turn into Rip Van Tinkle.

**Always pleasant is the 10pm trip to Wal-Mart the night before Valentines when you've forgotten that last minute thingie-bob. Stupid people think the store might be less busy then. HA! I laugh in -my-- their face! They lure you in with a close parking spot and then as you walk through the below freezing winds across the parking lot, the doors are LOCKED. Yes locked. You aren't parked at the end of the store that's unlocked. It's just a lark to run back to the car, drive around another 10 minutes looking for ANOTHER space close up so you don't freeze your hiney off. All that so you can walk all the way to the OTHER end of the store where the things YOU need are located. Fun!

**Somewhere along the last few years I guess it's become "cool" or just plain weird to steal feminine products. I surmise this from my experience at a store recently where needing to purchase some "products" I had to go to the front to ASK for them from behind the cash register. Ya know my life is pretty regularly knocking me down a peg or two putting me in my place, but I guess if that's not enough, there's always having to clear your throat & ask Jim Bob the teenaged acne faced boy manning the register, for some "products" please. THAT, will sure let you know pretty quickly that you are really NEVER too old to feel embarrassed like a 12 year old school girl! I should count myself lucky I didn't need condoms too.

Technology & the Gospel

*****WARNING! This is a rant off the top of my soap box so for those with weak stomachs, take a pass.*****

Recently I heard someone make the point that we as Christians today & churches today seem to DEPEND on technology to spread the Gospel. I really thought that through & started to agree the more I thought about it. That we (not all, but some) are getting lazy & soft in our "duty call" as Christians. We are depending too much on technology & the ease it gives us in spreading the Word. If we have a website for our church with instructions on how to believe & be baptized, that's less contact on our part. Do we KNOW the person really understands? We haven't been there to study with them to see their growth & understanding. Or instead of a prayer request phone chain in the church, e-mails. What about an automated phone call cancelling services? What if the overhead projector is down? Can the preacher give his lesson? If the flat screen televisions aren't working, how will we read the scriptures or get the song numbers to turn to??
I personally finding it VERY distracting when someone is having "technical trouble" and so servies are haltingly interupted to fix the issue like we don't know how to go on. PLUEEEZE!!!!

The internet & information age has helped the churches of today there is no doubt or question there. Technology has furthered some of the churches progress & ability to minister. I have seen several people baptized through the English Bible courses through e-mail in Japan. It's a way to reach people through teaching them English using the Bible. Use their curiosity in the Word as well as their ability to communicate through international e-mails. But where is the line? Why bother to bring your Bible to church anymore? They'll have the scriptures & songs up on the screen for everyone to see. During the sermon there's no need to turn to the scriptures because it's all typed out for you. And it IS bigger print than my Bible has. Shoot! Who needs a Bible? I have my PalmPilot with a scripture program loaded into it! I can point & click and bring up any scripture I need to. That's not distracting at ALL! Just to kids in a 12 pew radius.

My fear is anymore it's getting more unique to have human contact with our souls we're trying to win. Hurricane Katrina helped us get back in touch with gathering physical supplies & taking them to those in need. Physically getting up & doing something. Taking things to shut-ins & widows. Does anyone remember the verse in James where we are called to look after the widows & orphans? How about their groceries, medicines, lawns mowed? Making sure your flock & those in need, have their needs physically met. Or are we more concerned about the youth group or young marrieds? Everyone has needs & it is important to not neglect our youth as they are the church of tomorrow. But are we leading by example? Showing them WHO is important in the congregation? That each one is important & has their place to fullfill?

Churches with the loudest bands/choirs/instruments, worship services & most charasmatic preaching, are the ones winning the prizes for most pews filled. Do you think there's some award waiting for you somewhere? "I Entertained the Masses & All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt". Pews are packed with people now a days waiting to be "moved" during their worship service. Waiting to FEEL "saved" & "born again". Wanting to attend a church where it's like watching an interactive television program rather than being there to learn & lift one another up in encouragement so we can face our week "in the world". Are you there to learn from the Word of God, or be kept awake by the happiest, loudest service?

We might find it old fashioned to door-knock anymore, and I have no doubt many would be scared to open their doors very wide in this day & age. But I hope that when we go & preach the Gospel, as Jesus instructed his disciples in Mark 16, we really will GO & not just wear a t-shirt with the name & location of our church building hoping that brings some curious people in on Sunday. We'll actually SEE the person or really get out an old worn copy of the Word to show the scriptures that tell us as sinners to repent & be baptized, rather than present our case like it was a board room full of CEO's impressed with the latest techno gadgets we're using. It wasn't THAT long ago many Christians gathered in homes to worship in secret & it was all done by lamp or candlelight. We're called in Mark to "go out into all the world & preach the Gospel". Matthew says to let our lights shine and I don't think he means laser pointers people. Technology should be an asset to our ministry, not the sole means of winning souls.
****stepping down from soapbox now*****

Adventures In Babysitting

Well as you've probably all heard or know from being here yourselves, we are iced in. Some with power, some without. It's pretty bad. It started last Friday & didn't stop until wave #4 hit Sunday afternoon. Our home lost power Sunday afternoon from 3pm-4am. I won't lie, it got cold people. We were saved by a neighborly neighbor who retreated to her mother's home (that had power & a working fireplace) & left us a halogen latern. I dug up some latern flashlights, and a few candles. And after 30 long minutes of whinning from son #1 about how he'd "never get to play my computer game again!" I dug out the TV/weather radio we had stashed. The halogen latern & tv radio were a God send! Seriously! You never know how quiet is TOO quiet until you're alone in a dark house with three children by yourself. Around 9:30pm we saw the electric company arrive & start to repair the transformer that my neighbor saw blow up. We mistakenly thought power would "soon" be restored. Ha! My neighbor's husband works for our electric company & he was working 12 hr shifts & sleeping a few hours in between. He let us know that they'd have to send tree trimmer crews out. They came at some point & begin trimming. It took awhile, I can't imagine how cold THEY were & if the people slept who's yard they were working in. But at least we can say it's stayed on & we're warm.

After the heat & electricity returned Monday we all were home. (the kids anyway for MLK Jr's birthday and hubbo because he couldn't get to work) It was a fun day of laying around doing nothing in our PJ's. Oh & giving GREAT thanks we weren't like some of my family who lived north of us that still didn't have power. (half have power now as I write this) I figured the kids wouldn't have school Tuesday & with great plans of sleeping in, I didn't mind. #2 son put a kabosh on that plan around 7:45am Tuesday bright & early. Hubbo did make it into work, although his normal 25 minute commute turned into one hour.

Wednesday rolled around, still no school, no sand or salt trucks for the streets. It was near impossible for anyone to get out. My hubbo said that our residential street is by far the worst he's been on. Sigh! More "quality time" with the kids I guess.

Thursday-No school. I've given in & admitted I obviously can't wait to clean until the kids go back to school because at this rate, we'll all run out of clean underwear! I did get to sleep in until 9:15am & felt I could clean the house while the baby napped so there was at least one less child to "help" me. I had to be creative & fix them lunch & bolt, er...I mean fasten them into their high chairs to eat while I swept & vacuumed. Then after wiping their dirty little faces I stuck #2 son in the tub to soak & laid #3 son down for a nap. Then I attacked the mountian of dishes in my sink. Although they had sort of spilled out onto the countertops. This COULD be why I couldn't find a spoon for #1 son's yogurt at lunch. But I figure a spit & shine to a used spoon won't hurt him badly enough to make him too sick. And if it does, well he won't be missing any school due to the illness, right?

I think my sanity will hold until the weekend when Hubbo can take over as main parental unit & I can hide in my room. I think. I don't know though. Today I was thinking I had an idea for an emergency kit for parents to send for in these "extreme conditions". And I ain't talking about the ice people. It could arrive in the mail (assuming you can get to your mailbox-I haven't seen mine in 7 days) and will contain: a shot of vodka, one cigarette & a gun with one bullet. **** Sound too extreme? Come to my house where kids are bored & annoying you for fun. Let's see how long YOU last buster! And the cherry on top is there are 4-12 inches of snow forecast for this weekend.
In close, I'd like to think we'll all survive this ordeal....but should some of us not, please remember I did clean the house, it just may not LOOK like I did when the CSI people get here.

Things I Learned While Iced/Snowed In:

*you CAN loose brain cells due to hearing the Boomba toy sing too much

*when hungry enough, kids WILL eat macaroni & cheese three times in a row

*you can never have enough candles even if it's just to set the house on fire to cover the scene of your crimes

*you don't get NEAR the projects done that you THINK you will with all that time on your hands

*time passes much more slowly when there are children in the house with nowhere else to go

*you CAN acquire asthma from "shhh-ing" your children too much

*a fork will work for eating yogurt if you haven't done your dishes in oh, days-you just have to be very very fast getting it to your mouth

*something equivalent to hibernation starts to take place the longer you are trapped in-doors

*children will NOT sleep in on days there is no school-some internal clock rouses them with the sun

*children can NOT be quiet doing ANYTHING when up earlier than a parent...there is NO way this is possible

*and the number one thing I've learned while stuck in-doors is: I don't MIND being snowed/iced in....it's all these other yahoo's in here with me that are making it not so fun.

*************this was a joke, please don't report me to the authorities or I'll just have to come to your house with the one bullet, and I hate to drive on ice.*******************

Christmas Miracle

There was a nice Christian couple I know that lived here in Oklahoma. They had tried hard to have a baby. Married 14 years give or take. They had several miscarriages and the wife's doctor was very sympathetic but knew with all the scarring & internal problems, there was nothing to be done. They would not have children. The couple filed applications with adoption agencies, took care of other people's children, nieces, nephews, & neighborhood children. Children loved being around them & they filled the void. I can't imagine waiting like that. Wanting a baby so badly & not having one when everyone around you has children.

So when the man got a job opportunity to move to Missouri they really thought long & hard. It would cancel their applications they had in at the adoption agencies & it would mean moving far away from family & what they were really used to. But the husband really thought they needed to take the job offer & see what God was offering there in Missouri. Maybe He was opening a door. After much prayerful consideration they made the move.

After one week of living in Missouri, it was close to Christmas & they got a phone call. The wife's doctor back in Oklahoma. He had just delivered a baby girl from a woman who said she didn't want the baby girl. She wanted to give her away to be adopted. There was one condition the woman wanted, the couple must live out of state. One week ago the couple had moved. Or they wouldn't have been eligible for this opportunity!! THAT was their Christmas miracle!

At five days old the baby girl could leave the hospital. The wife's family being in Oklahoma with the baby, came to get her & take her home with them. The wife's niece worked for an attorney in town & typed up the papers for the adoption. As soon as the husband got off work they made the trip back to Oklahoma. Christmas had come & gone and their miracle was there December 27th. With no place to sleep & no one expecting a baby in the family, they used a dresser drawer & blankets. Who would have known moving to Missouri would bring them a baby? They showed faith & God rewarded them.

They've done great so far. For people that waited years to parent, they did it well. God's a good matchmaker. And you know what? That story just doesn't get old.

Happy birthday to me...happy birthday to me...

Martha or Mary

As I sit here literally on my hands & knees scrubbing my bathroom floor I had a few momentous thoughts. One is, "I don't do this often enough if it takes this long." And two is, "I really loose this much hair and I'm not bald??"
It took a lot of Comet, bleach, grease disolvant (don't ask) to clean EVERY inch of my toilet & floor around it. But it's done! No one goes in there but me really & the occasional #1 son before bed. And there was plenty of HIS evidence left piddled around to prove he sneaks in there more than I thought too! It's sort of unspoken as MY room. I guess partly because I'm the only girl & also because there's so much girly stuff out, you might get a jolt of estrogen by osmosis if you stay too long in there.

I'm a pretty neat person. I don't let my house get too messy during the week. Now the weekends, that's a different story. You might see my husband doing some whites Sunday evening in a rush to get them dry before work the next day, but mostly I don't clean on the weekends. That's my time with my family. Since a mother's job is never done & there are no 9-5 hours included, I made my own. So the house takes a beating on the weekends & now that there's a new rugrat to throw toys around, I'll admit it looks like a tornado hit it by Monday morning. It doesn't bother me. Sometimes I can't believe it, but it doesn't. You'll even see my kick a pile aside to get by rather than stop & pick it all up & put it away.

Of course I used to clean a lot more & I used to have a lot less to keep clean. Now I find I like to cram it into one weekday with the kids gone to school. Then at night I pick it up before bed so I wake up peacefully & not so cranky with a sink full of dirty dishes greeting me. My main thought while scrubbing & bleaching down "my" room was, "When was the last time I REALLY cleaned in here & why has it been so long?" I think I had sort of a lightbulb moment in my bathroom.
I haven't done it because it's MY room & I don't care, for one. But the main reason being, it doesn't cause me stress or loss of sleep that it was dirty. Whoa! That's sort of wild for me the clean freak. Now I admit kids have mellowed me & I was & still am a person who'd rather do something FUN than clean. (I'm not THAT warped) But I learned in college it's easier for me to concentrate or enjoy stuff if I get the cleaning/work out of the way first. I still do that with cleaning the house & trying (there ARE three kids living here as well) to do ALL laundry on Mondays. Then Tues-Fri I get to enjoy my time while the kids are at school playing with the baby, knitting, chatting with my husband or sister-in-law online or scrapbooking.

I always saw myself as Martha in the story in the Bible. Remember how Jesus comes to see the two sisters Martha & Mary. He is teaching & talking with them & Martha is busy cleaning & preparing food, cleaning up & just doing the normal things you do with guests in the house. Mary however, stayed at Jesus feet. Hanging on his every word & soaking up his words & wisdom. Mary just stopped to enjoy what was in the moment. Jesus wouldn't be there long, the work would always be there waiting. That's what I realized today scrubbing my bathroom floor. That I'm pretty sure I'm a Mary now. I've learned to listen, to take in a moment & soak it all in. And I think if Jesus came as a guest in my home I could really SIT & just listen now. I don't know if it's part of getting older, being a parent, being a parent to MY kids or God just mellowing me out. Probably a combonation of it all. I've only really seen it in myself since my dad died though. Today was sort of that moment of noticing I've changed. My bathroom doesn't bother me, clean or dirty. I'm the only one that sees it's no longer a priority to me. I think my priorities are branching out. I'm more than just a clean house or a mommy.

As I type this I'm getting ready to leave for my first monthly book club meeting. I also have my scrapbook gals that meet once a month & it's more for the Christian fellowship than the pages we accomplish. We're FRIENDS. I think those things are helping me see outside my box. Letting my mind grow outside of kids, dishes & laundry. And now I think I really can say it out loud and with authority, that I'm not a Martha anymore.

His Window Will Open

I want to introduce you to my #2 son. His middle name means laughter & he is aptly named. He loves to laugh, tickle, sunggle & play. The term gentle giant applies to him. #2 son is rather large for his age. He is about 4 ft tall & his weight hovers around 70+ lbs. But he is SO loving. When given, his love is generous & fun. He'll offer kisses at rare times, but will usually extend a forehead, nose or lips for kisses. He likes the contact, the affection & happiness he gets from the love. Other times he'll be walking by & I can say, "Kisses?" And he'll make a u-turn he'll come back around to bestow some wonderful, rare, sugar on me. How can anything be better than that?

I should add that #2 son doesn't talk. Everyone we say that too seems to think that means he's mute. Far from it. He makes sounds, jabbers like a toddler learning to talk & tries on occasion to say "Mama" & "Dada". And if you listen really carefully at night when Daddy tucks him in& says "I love you", you hear a sound that resembles "love". The time he says it, the inflection he uses tells us, his smile, show he knows what it means & that he feels it. Yes, #2 is sort of trapped in his mind by his Autism. His words & thoughts are essentially behind this window that won't open. Someone has painted it shut. We see some of those thoughts, most of his emotions, but they are filtered through the glass of his window that keeps the sounds from reaching us.

Our middle son used to play with his toys & look at his books for hours on end. Entertained himself really. Until almost 2 years ago. Someone took the curtians down from that window. He figured out there's a world out there beyond himself & his things. #2 son became VERY curious & left nothing in our house unexplored. I could tell you many stories of climbing cabinets & picking locks all to discover the feeling of vaseline or Crisco all over one's self or powdered sugar & what it feels like to roll in it on the floor. He was in every sense a 60 lb. two year old. Sure he walked at 8 months old. But this was his first time to really LOOK at the world around him & realize he could interact with all those things. So now he'll walk by & lick the tv when one of his favorite characters is on. The tv that before held no real interest to him. Now he hears every little opening of doors, cabinets & especially the fridge. And he comes running. Food is fun. Food is entertaining & he has expanded his palette by leaps & bounds. He isn't afraid to touch anything or see what something tastes like. #2 loves the outdoors. Of course not being afraid of things means orally testing almost ANYTHING one comes in contact with, no matter how much stress is causes mommy & daddy.

Now #2 son is at the level of being bored with everything & wanting to be entertained. If you have or have raised a three-year-old you know this stage. He is just without the words to say, "Mommy I'm bored, there's nothing to do. Entertain me." In his mind he stands at his window seeing all that's out there to be had & wants to try it. That brought on the frustration. Our loving, affection, gentle giant became angry. It was gradual & had many contributing factors. New things were all around him. Starting school for the first time, mommy going to work a couple days a week, Papa & Nana taking care of him, a new baby coming & WAY less room on mommy's lap for snuggles. Frustration came in many forms but most often the screeching & fog horn wail we came to dread, knowing from that point on there wasn't much to be done. It came in scratches on himself & those of us trying to prevent them, bites to anyone within distance & pinches. Those tiny, little bitty pinches that make your eyes water.

After what was one of some of the hardest times in our lives, we put #2 son on medicine. We had resisted for as long as we could. It was no longer about us & our aversion to smothering their personalities with medicine. The bruises & marks were metaphorically there, from him running at his window, trying to get out. The hurt, the confusion, the sadness & most importantly the words, trying to get out. It became about safety & love of our third son that had just been born & not knowing how this one last obstacle would effect #2. There he sat at his window looking out at the world & how as one family member went away, a new one arrived. SO many changes for such a young mind to comprehend. And that young mind was so much younger than his beat up body.

Luckily we have an incredible doctor. The Lord has blessed #2 with something #1 didn't find for years. A doctor that "gets it". We've driven many miles, waited for appointments, and tried many things so that #2 would be somewhere he felt safe & more importantly was patiently understood. There were no pokes & prods that didn't absolutely HAVE to be done. There was such love at that office for our children & their needs. No stares of confusion or concern, just acceptance. And as a parent of Autistic children, that is a gold mine. We couldn't really ask for anything more. When our doctor left Pediatrics, she amazingly enough went into Behavior Management. Something we were needing at just that time. And to our astonishment, the first medicine we tried was "the one" for us & #2. #2 sits at his window now much happier. He's content to see it all & take it in. No longer frustrated with us or himself. He takes us by the hand & leads us to drinks, food & other things he may want or need.

So now #2 son is back to affection, his loving, happy, giggly self. He plays with #3, the baby. #2 really LOVES that baby so much. Has never hurt him. Not once. We are very careful but he has a bond. You can see it when you watch them on the floor together. The way they look at each other in the eyes. There's love and maybe some sort of connection & understanding we don't get yet. I do believe that God moves in a mysterious way, His wonders to perform. We work with #2 son with DVD's, word echoing, and we are making picture cards to try & help me communicate anything we might miss. His school this year is much better than last year & he seems to like it. He loves the bus & seems to enjoy the one little girl in his class much more the other boys. He IS a flirt & has been since he was little. He has the darkest brown/black eyes you'll ever see. His dimples & a smile that could win world peace.

The medicine, the love from us, family& friends, the new school & teachers, the maturity/growth he's gaining, are all chipping away at that paint sealing his window shut.
I see his eyes twinkle when we praise him for a correct word in context or a word said. I see his his reasoning & problem solving skills at work every day and it shows me how far he's coming. He's chipping away on the inside of his window too. Every day is one step closer to that paint being gone & my second son opening his window. I don't know when, but I know. But for now I wait. I clean, polish & shine that window waiting for the day it opens.

Knots

I had a thought this morning. Rather early for "deep thoughts" really, but there they were none the less. And since I remembered them, I thought that was a sign to write them out. Please don't take this as someone on a soapbox, but see it as someone trying to sort out their thoughts & discoveries throughout her Christianity & life.

My kids have been playing with this tunnel made of parachute material for a day or so now & it collapses flat & ties closed for storage. This morning after #1 son was already gone on the bus, #2 son wanted the tunnel "open". I realized #1 son had tried to open the tunnel himself & in doing so the ties knotted up.
It was gonna take some time to sit down & pick at the knots until I could get ahold of one end & undo the knots. It's funny how sometimes someone will offer to help you pick at knots in stuff. And what do we do? We refuse! This is a battle of wits & you want to show you can do it yourself & beat a stupid piece of string right?!

For some reason while sitting on their toy box and picking at the knots at 8:30 in the morning, I saw a correlation between the knots I'm working on & life. God loves us as His children & although we don't have it as nice as Adam & Eve in the garden, He doesn't give us struggles. God gives us choices-Free Will. Satan is the giver of knots. Satan presents us (as he did with Jesus) with temptations & stumbling blocks in our Christian walks & lives. We as adults, taking on Christ in baptism, choose to follow Christ & His example. Being human, we can create knots for ourselves quite easily in our choices. And then what happens? We sit & try to pick out the knots by ourselves. We don't want any help. We don't need any help. We break a nail, let a cuss word slip, get utterly frustrated & sometimes we give up. Or we make it worse. The knot gets bigger!

God wants & asks us to let Him help us with the knots. He wants us to humble ourselves before Him & pray, but most of all He wants us to NEED His help. God will never let Satan give us more than we can bear or handle. It sure seems like a lot on our plates sometimes though. There are some knots we work on only to set them down for awhile & come back to them later on with more patience & prayerful determination. And some knots seem to tighten as the years go by. I was talking with someone yesterday about when do we know when to "let go & give it to God" or when God's wanting to act through us. The knots this morning had me thinking that maybe we are taking the "let go & let God" to literally. Maybe, that is meant to say we stop working on the knot & talk to God & others about it. Then return to our work on the knot, encouraged, inspired, uplifted by God, in knowing with His help, one day the knot will be loosened, if not freed.

Perhaps that sounds rather pesimistic to say loosened. But in reality Christianity isn't easy. It's not all fixed in one prayer is it? Not the Christians I know. Everyone I know has knots. We are in a society today who loves a quick fix & that pertains to religion too. (that's a soap box for another day) However, this isn't TV & there isn't always a happy ending in 30 minutes. Sometimes those knots are slippery little devils. Pun intended.
I got my knots this morning undone in record time & without breaking a nail. But I think I got their point. We're always going to have knots. Some big, some with many layers & some easy. In any case, they are our life lessons. But how we go about working on untying them is left totally up to us. Free Will.

24

***WARNING GRAPHIC CONTENT-PARENTAL GUIDANCE SUGGESTED***

November 5-6, 2006

10pm-11pm: ate leftover Arby's roast beef sandwich for very late dinner

11pm-12am: regretted roast beef sandwich;pondered if meat had gone bad

12am-1am: writhed in anguish in bed wondering if it was possible to reach the sink to puke into while sitting on toilet (yet can't puke!)

1am-2am: kicked by #1 son & every time I roll over to change positions I feel the need to vomit again

2am-3am: get up to return to sit upon the throne-burps, bad smelly, foul burps like I've eaten a 10 day old skunk

3am-6am: tossing & turning, kicks from #1 son, get baby his bottle & go back to sleep wondering if it's possible #1 son is part donkey (still feel need to puke & can't)

6am-8am: sleep, deep, heavy, wonderful sleep!

8am-10am: trips to the water closet-too many to count, for various recreations

10am-noon: toss & turn in bed while watching a Lifetime movie where the boyfriend tries to kill the girlfriend & she never saw it coming-obviously a new one....NOT

Noon-2pm: clean up poop, puke & saltine crumbs in just about every room & floor covering in my house
3/5 of us have flu

3pm-5pm: take my turn watching volcanic activity amongst the children (and self) while husband naps

5pm-6pm: call best friend to bring 7-Up, more saltines & diapers to leave on porch

6pm-6:10pm: I FINALLY GET TO PUKE! Ahhhh I feel better already!

6:10-6:30pm: new mantra-I WILL NEVER EAT ARBYS AGAIN! (something terribly wrong with something that stays so unwelcome in the upper half of your digestive system for so many hours)

6:30pm-8pm: baby finally succumbs to flu-in all venues

8pm-10pm: cleaning of more poo, urps & saltine crumbs; getting children ready for bed, almost crying at the thought of having uninterupted sleep soon; (sniff sniff) I smell "weakness" from last of the herd. I'm sure he'll fall prey soon.

Halloween

Monday night our family carved their first pumpkin. #1 son wanted a "silly scary face".
It was a learning experience for us all. I learned you don't cut the top off straight down because then the "lid" will fall down in the pumpkin. I taught dear husband that you can scoop out the pumpkin innards in less than 5 minutes using a metal ice cream scoop. (thanks Martha Stewart!) #1 son learned that pumpkins stink & almost make you gag. #2 son who isn't afraid to taste anything (and I DO mean anything) discovered raw pumpkin isn't the same as pie.
#1 son had been waiting months to dress as "Lord Vader" & be addresses as such. He was also very concerned for weeks now that I wouldn't get his Darth Vader mask fixed in time for him to use it. Luckily mommy found one on clearance at the local supercenter. For $.50 I got 6. I need backups & my nephew needs a stocking stuffer right? Of course I did have to do the "last-minute-sew-something-together" thing by fixing the strap to #1 son's pumpkin he gathers loot in.

Being the yearly designated parental unit to take the #1 son trick-or-treating, I got his black sweats on, his black t-shirt, his Darth cape & mask. We didn't have the red light saber Darth Vader uses. Just the double ended one Darth Maul uses. Somehow my son wasn't upset by this. He even went with the blue light saber that didn't light up or make noise. Meltdown averted.
I don't mind going trick or treating with him because I sort of have a peeping-tom thing. I like driving or walking by houses with doors open or lights on at night so I can peek into their lives.
So I left dear husband with #2 son to try & hand out treats, keep #2 son out of candy & watch for the next piece of furniture the baby would pull up to & fall from. Somehow I think I got off easier.

Off we go house to house. Not many with porch lights this year. I think the news said more churches were doing "Trunk or Treats" this year & people were wary of child predators.
Most people were patient with #1 son's need to impart unconsequential information.
He told one lady,"Look! It's me! (insert first & last name)! Look at me in my REAL eyes!" (taking off his mask)
As soon as another guy answered the door he asked him where his computer was.
One house almost gave us second-hand smoke poisoning just from the 5 seconds we stood there.
And there was the one house with a fire in the fireplace that distracted #1 son so much he told the kid handing out candy, "No, no, no! Move so I can see the fire!"
Of course although he doesnt' eat many or much candy, he still feels the need to try & control what he receives. He loves red. Any red candy is superior in his mind. So occassionally we bartered for red instead of what we got the first time. (sigh!)
Being old, tired & cold I only lasted 45 minutes. Thank goodness #1 son isn't into it THAT much so he didn't care.

Upon arriving home I see the treat bowl had dwindled. I ask dear husband how many kids came through here exactly? He shrugs & says a few.
When I go to the garage to put more candy in the bowl I see a pile shoved to the side & back. There in an orange mound & hidden like precious stones, are all the Kit Kats I'd had in the bowl when I left. Hmmm. When I asked dear husband if he'd done this, his confession was a big fat grin. Fun was had by all & the best part was we were all in bed by 11pm.

A Conversation with Autism

My oldest son is a high-functioning Autistic person. He is labeled high-functioning because although he didn't talk until later in life, he can function at basic life skills. Jackson does have his own quirks & idiosyncrasies that cause life to not be quite normal, but I'm convinced EVERYONE has their own. He does suffer from some OCD issues & they do get in the way of him living a normal life sometimes.

Yesterday evening I took Jackson, who is 8 years old, to run errands with me. We were first going to the library to pick up some video's he had requested. On the way we passed a grocery store that had recently gone out of buisness-Albertson's. This was our conversation:
Jack: Is Albertson's dead?
Me: No, it's just closed. Things like stores don't die.
Jack: It’s pretend?
Me: Remember when Tinga (our dog) and Papa died? That’s not pretend, that’s real. We don’t see them anymore do we?
Jack: No
Me: And so pretend is like in your Star Wars game.
Jack: Ok. aoewijolasjhdflahdg-(Star Wars lingo I don’t understand)

At the library he had to be sure & tell the librarian thank you about 5 times before she figured out she had to say “you’re welcome” for him to stop.
Then we ventured on to Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market. I had a list & with Jackson with me we couldn’t really get the things on the list in order of what’s on each aisle. It’s more like go down the list in order it’s written. It does take a little longer & he is distracted like any child by the cereal aisle & it’s toys in the boxes.But eventually we get to check out with things from our list & just a $.97 pack of Play-Doh & a $2 bag of punch ball balloons.

At the check-out he has to greet the girl checker & tell her HI a dozen times. Then he has to watch & make sure his bag of chips are secure the whole way down the conveyer belt & into the sack. Then we begin the “thank you!’s” to the checker & the perfunctory “I love you!”’s before we can leave. The checker hasn’t quite figured out that something isn’t quite the same about this little boy. And she can’t stop giggling. Of course the OCD part of Jackson allows him to repeat these mannered phrases until she responds in the customary way. He can be VERY patient. I on the other hand, can loose my cool after 10 thank you’s and the idiot girl doesn’t say “You’re welcome!” back. Manners people, manners!! I don’t really feel the need to explain to everyone who encounters my children, WHY they are different. You can always ask, I have no problem with talking about it, but I don’t feel the need to explain the differences of my children & theirs to every person we meet.

As a side note/story, once when Jackson was really little he was in the car with parked outside a convience store. We had been working on manners. The windows are down & the lady sitting in the next car with her windows down sneezes. Jackson tells her “bless you”. She scoffs. Lady sneezes again. Jack again blesses her. She forces a smile. Wouldn’t you know it, she sneezes again & this time after Jack blesses her, he politely informs her, she’s supposed to say “thank you”. She was pretty taken back. My dad explained we had been working on manners with him. He still doesn’t have much tolerance for people not responding in the correct mannered way.

After trying three different rides on the way out of the store we found a horse that worked & wasn’t out of order. Then we had to get a gumball.
Next we were going to the post office.
Jack & I talked about numerous things. School, the baby, computer games & his videos he got at the library. In the short drive to the post office he noticed the sun setting in the rear view mirror. He saw the moon almost full, out the windshield.

This was our conversation:
Jackson: Look the sun is on fire & going away!
Me: Yep-and there’s the moon.
Jackson: But I love the sun! (starts to fake cry)
Me: You silly goose, you’ll see the sun tomorrow morning. It has to go to bed, it’s tired from being in the sky all day. Now it’s the moon’s turn to give us light. I love the moon & night time, it’s my favorite.
Jackson: My favorite is the sun! (more fake crying over the sun leaving)
Me: Why do you love the sun so much?
Jackson: Because I’m of the sun (son?).

Arriving inside the post office to just send off a couple padded envelopes Jackson asks this lady needing my help with the stamp machine what her name was. She was super sweet to him & told him her name & asked his. He beamed. After she was done & leaving, he told her bye several times (less because she correctly responded back to him “bye”) and then “I love you Deborah!”. She thought this was SO sweet. I don’t know if she realized that Jackson wasn’t like other boys his age, but she seemed not to care. Deborah made my day.
On our way home now, I told Jackson how much I had appreciated him helping me & keeping me company. We don’t often get out like that just the two of us.
This was our conversation:

Me: I love you Jack. Thanks for coming with me to do errands. It was fun.
Jackson: I love you too mommy. It was fun.
Quiet for awhile.
Jackson: Mommy?
Me: Yes Jack?
Jackson: Well, thanks for the fellowship
Me: You're welcome baby. (chuckle)
Jackson: You're my favorite friendship.
Me: I know sweetie.

I'm it!

I've been tagged (just the thing to jumpstart my blogging again) by my sister-in-law to confess 5 weird things you probably don't know about me.

#1-I'm an old person trapped in a 31 yr old body. I like to watch Golden Girl reruns, hate going to the grocery store, tell everyone to shhhh. I think the Nike shoes today are atrocious & the clothes people wear are down right freaky. I eat cottage cheese, hate the large amounts of pepper that have taken over all food in resturants & I love to knit & read at night. There, I said it. I used to joke about Matt having robbed the cradle with me being 4 yrs younger than him, but now my secret is out. He married an old woman. But you know what they say about younger men & older women. ;)

#2-I love Steven Segal movies. Yes, I realize this may mean I need to see a therapist. Do they have a television therapist that analyzes what shows you watch/like & why??
My two favorites are Under Seige I & II. I could watch them over & over & over. Some other of my favs are, "Hard to Kill"& "The Patriot" . There are tons of famous people in them like, Michael Caine, Tommy Lee Jones, Gary Busey, Marg Helgenberger, Jerry Orbach & Billy Bob Thorton. When his movies come on USA, I'm hooked. I get giddy & excited. I don't find him particularly attractive, so I can't tell you what it is. Maybe the same cheesy factor I find fun & intriguing about Mr. David Caruso.

#3-I like to stay home. I mean I love my house. It's cozy. I'm not an agoraphobe. I don't MIND leaving the house at all & there are times I have to get out & away from kids. But until I got married I didn't realize I was a home-body. I enjoy my bedroom the most. It has my scrapbook table & cabinet of supplies, my sewing machine, walk-in closet with knitting stuff & books, king sized bed, tv & computer. I could pretty much live in this room. Did I mention there's a lock on the door?

#4-And like Katrina, I've been lured by my husband & the beautiful graphics into the computer gaming of World of Warcraft-better known as WoW. I play online with my husband sometimes & my family. It's a fun way to burn off some stress & get away from life as you know it. And how flattering to have some level 40 Warrior hit on you, or kicking his butt. It depends on my mood that day. I'm not an expert by any means & haven't quite taken it to the level of computer geek/nerd YET-but there's still hope as my husband says.

#5-I love having boys. I do not & have not wanted a girl child much to my mother's tears & frustration. When pregnant, many strangers & friends tried to understand. They would cock their head to the side & say "awww" when I told them I was having my third boy. I called it the pity sigh. However, I have never felt that longing to have a girl. I'm perfectly content & thrilled with all boys. Give me a couple more & I'd be fine. That's ONE of the things stopping me from having another kid, odds aren't in my favor for four boys. I have neices, friends with girls & I don't need the drama. I remember not liking my mother from ages 11-18 or so. I don't care to live through that again. Or the hormones. I have enough stress with broken bones, computer games, sports equipment & black eyes. I don't want the fights about mini skirts, make-up, dating, sex & paying for a wedding. I'd much rather wear beige & keep my mouth shut.

There you have it-I'm not sure I'm TOO weird, but we'll see what YOU all post. Tag your it!

August

With August gone I wanted to mark it as an important time in my life with just few paragraphs. 6 months have gone by since my dad died. I'm not pointing it out as 6 months ago he died, as much as I'm telling you I'm different now.

If you've ever lost someone close to you or your family, you know that people will ask you all the time if it's getting any easier or if you're doing better. People mean well & it does show their concern for you & your well-being. However, when you aren't doing well or it's a hard day, you really can't say that out loud. Most of us aren't going to blurt out the trouble with processing it all or the odd emotional times that come & go. Anyone who asks you most always wants to hear you are doing fine or better so they can become more comfortable & move on to a different subject in conversation.

The other common question & response is usually closer to the time you've lost the loved one. It's more along the lines of when things will get easier or comments about time healing everything. It's a pat answer or thing to say when you know someone is still hurting or you really just don't know what to say to the person suffering the loss. That's okay but I think we all know there's different times of healing for each person and time WILL make things better...eventually.

It was in August that I knew things were getting better. Not great, but better. My life is still empty in many places and there are still moments I can't stop thinking of my dad & what I want to tell him or show him. Mostly about my sons. But in general, life. I miss sharing life moments with him. I realize wherever he is, he isn't missing anything. But I feel like he's missing things in my life. I wanted him to see Carson do better with medication, I wanted him to see this baby & how wonderfully brillant & beautiful he is. I wanted him to see Jackson's new front tooth. For him to see our new couch & watch football on it with us. I wanted him to be there to help me fix the weedeater and ask about buying a new minivan. I wanted him to see the season finale of LOST with me so we could talk about how crazy that show is. And I wanted to buy him a birthday present & Christmas present one last time.

There are moments when he doesn't seem to be gone & others are so lonely & empty without him. It used to be VERY hard for me to drive down the street that took me to his house or past the hospital where he was for the days before he died. I'd cry every time. Certian songs on the radio would make me collapse in tears on the way home from Wal-Mart. I'd have to sit in the garage waiting to get a grip on myself to go in & resume my life. Baseball was exceptionally rough this summer. I couldn't watch really. Those St. Louis Cardinals just aren't the same without him. And football this Sunday, well that wasn't as fun either. No fantasy football games against each other to spur us on, no telling him T.O. was with our Cowboys. Just not as much fun.

Now there are less of those times. I can drive by the hospital & not have to look the other way. I can think of him without tears welling up EVERY time. Now it's just once in awhile. I still get misty-eyed over soft hearted commercials or things my kids do I know he would enjoy. I still carry some things on my sleeve, but most of the time I have can keep my emotions in check. No one says I have to, no one has asked in a really long time how I'm doing with it, but the resolution & closure was inside me anyway. I've learned not to depend on the outside world, or even some close to you, to take care of you. That's best left to you & your God. He's the best caretaker anyway.

Sometimes when it's really quiet or I'm alone driving in the car, those times still hurt. Those quiet times when your life stops being so crazy & hectic and your brain & heart have time to talk to each other. Those conversations still hurt, but I'm not convinced that they won't always hurt.

Marriage

I've been married coming up on 9 years this fall. I in no way claim to know it all or have all the answers to make a marriage perfect or even work. I just know what works for us & how we've kept it together. There's no secret, no magic word or phrase & I'm certain no perfect marriage out there. I'm always interested in how people's marriages look from the outside & then later on you find out something you never knew. Whether it's infidelity, lies or just plain unhappiness.
Amazing what you see isn't always what you get even in the marriages you "see" the most of.

Today I watched a little of Oprah. I rarely watch Oprah but I'll post the link because I truly did just watch a little of it. In case some of you saw it differently. I was sort of frustrated between bus comings & goings & phone calls I couldn't watch it all. It was a stirring episode for me. I'll preface this by saying what I heard may have been on track or not. I couldn't tell. But what it got going inside me is the point of this blog. Lance Armstrong’s ex-wife was on as well. She talked of trying to do it all & just be the happy wife. When she couldn’t keep up anymore she divorced him & is happily finding herself & making herself happy now. Whether Oprah & Dr. Robin meant it this way-this is what I gleaned & started me thinking.

Dr. Robin says marriages today are a lot of times built on lies. Lies to ourselves & the person we are marrying. Whether it's blindness by the carets on our fingers or to faults of the person we love, most of us go into marriage unaware we are doomed. Their point was we make vows or promises we can't keep or just about kill ourselves trying to. We die inside while trying to make the other person happy and supposedly loose our individual person. So when we aren’t happy or living this “lie”, we divorce so we can “find ourselves”. Women especially feel the need to be superwoman & do it all. And never say we can't or need help. Dr. Robin shared her story of marring her sweetheart "young" and then after 5 years she had “lost” herself & was so unhappy, they divorced. I did agree with her statements about being ourselves throughout marriage. How we need to stand up for ourselves. Essentially we know who we are or at the very least (depending how young you are) what you want when we marry. We just get lost in the "fairy tale" of marriage & forget to put forth our own views & opinions. The not upsetting the applecart theory. I agree with a lot of this, MOST of the time in society that it does happen this way.

This is where I may fall away from their points & got angry. And when I say angry I mean I was steamed. How dare you! How dare YOU who are divorced, you who don't want to be married because of the fear of restrictions it would place on yourself, tell ME how & why my trip to the altar could be based on lies. Now, I realize what a lot of you will say that saw the whole episode or see it "differently". This is where you tell me that Oprah is a wonderful world example & wonderful mentor to women everywhere is just trying to help & that there ARE a lot of women who marry thinking this way. That's fine, you can stop reading now. But my point & issue is with those of us who are Christian women in good marriages.
The following is a true soapbox rant.
I may have missed the boat on today's episode or the well meaning of it, but let me tell you why I'm steamed.
I may indeed not be the same person that married at 22 years old. I would say few are. That's life, see? That's what life DOES. It's purpose is to shape us & mold us-turn us to God, in my humble opinion.
So I have an opinion on issues, world & life values. As does any person, male or female-married or not. If you can't SPEAK your opinion to whether the drapes should be green or blue, or whether or not you like Chinese food, you probably can't stand up for yourself in the big issues like money, whether or not you want children & if you believe in spanking. I don't buy Oprah & Dr. Robin's excuse of the majority of us losing ourselves in marriage. She says we are afraid to upset the image we see & believe to be marriage. We do this until we "lose ourselves" and resent the other person & the institution of marriage & end it all in divorce.
I personally think this is a cop out & a load of crap. I know a lot of us have different ideas of what marriage will be going in, then what actually marrriage is. But come on! I'm sick of society thinking divorce at any sneeze, hiccup or burp is acceptable. Let’s HOPE you are at least adult enough to have a few conversations before you marry or even propose to that special someone about what you DO expect out of life & marriage. Let’s hope you aren’t stupid & really talk about how you grew up & how you want to see your kids raised. And for pity’s sake, let’s hope & pray you had a conversation about your faith, values & morals before you ever got the I Do’s out your mouth. If not, it’s YOUR own damn fault. You’re doing it to yourself & your marriage. Do you think the other person will read your mind & just assume you’re not being forthcoming & honest? I’d like to think MOST of us who love someone would assume & take for granted the other person in your marriage is being honest & straightforward about issues that matter. Isn’t that what marriage IS? The person that’s got the security code & clearance to have those discussions with you & know what you think on those all important issues?

So to sit & tell me we as women, are just letting ourselves get “lost” & not standing up for ourselves, is a bunch of BS. You as a woman, are allowing that to happen to yourself. YOU are doing it to YOU. Get it? Then you take the cop out of divorce because “he just doesn’t know me anymore”. Well how the heck could he?
Did you once talk about things that weren’t superficial? Did you just ask him what he wanted for dinner & not in the bedroom? Did you even think to ask if he’s HAPPY or what MAKES him happy? So your husband plays golf & he’s gone a lot. Stand up for yourself. Tell him that you’re okay with it most of the time, but not XYZ. Compromise! If you need time alone or without the kids, find yourself a sitter & make the time. Stop whining about it & just go. If it’s important & needs aren’t getting met, sit down, tell him how serious it is to you & MAKE it important. You might just hear some stuff back you had no idea he was thinking or feeling too. COMMUNICATE. You live together don’t you? Would you let a girlfriend get away with not knowing how you felt about something? Women are good at letting it bottle up & then exploding at the littlest thing later. Let it out like a pressure valve-a little at a time.

This IS what makes my marriage good. Oh yeah God has a hand in it, but the cheesy answer of communication is true. What do people think will happen? You’ll have a fight? An argument? So? That’s what happens in just about any relationship so why would it be different in marriage. You just have to be strong enough to forgive & get over the little things to see the big picture. I’m not calling women to unite & I’m not condemning Oprah & her army. But I’m sick of this issue being a Kleenex moment. Get over it. Stop having the pity party & stand up for yourself & your marriage. I just want it known, we as women wuss out a lot of times & it needs to stop. So marriage is hard. And? You think that diamond was free? You think those children are free? Heck no! You’re working for them baby! Working your way through your own life & marriage is a part of that. Just be glad you’ve got someone that’s on your team. The more I’m in the world today, I’m not so sure there’s anyone else out there rooting for me except my husband. So help each other out. You’re not there to just please yourself. (step down off soapbox)

I don’t want to sound like I don’t believe there are just causes for divorce, because I do. Or that all women are in a bad marriage. But that’s my point, stop being silent. Marriage is a good thing for those it’s meant for & we need as Christian Americans need to be much more “pro-marriage”. “Pro-keeping it together”. Stop thinking as a woman you can’t be yourself & happy AND be a mom. Do it. Do whatever it takes. Why can’t you? Who’s stopping you? You can have a life outside of being a mother. Like I said, I don’t claim to know what will make your marriage work. I have no secret key or magic word. For us, we communicate-we aren’t afraid to say ANYTHING to each other. We share the same faith, values & goals. And most importantly, before we ever got married we knew the D word wasn’t allowed here. And ya know what? We’ve never once needed to use it as a threat, question or way out. In my house we aren’t quitters & the blame game is not welcome. We do what works for us, but I in no way think that makes my marriage better or worse than yours. I just know what works for mine.

http://www2.oprah.com/index.jhtml

Once Upon A Time

Something I love but don't get to do often is go to the bookstore. I'd really rather just check books out at the library than go buy them but it is nice to once in awhile treat yourself & go buy a couple paperbacks & relax in the quiet of a Barnes & Noble. So I thought.

Sunday night I decided I had really better take a break before Ithe Mommy broke & couldn't be fixed. Since not much is open at 7pm on a Sunday night & I'm begining to hate trips to Wal-Mart in my old age, I thought I'd venture out to the bookstore. I hadn't been there in a year or so. It was rather appealing with it's aisles & aisles of self-help books, mystery novels, biographies, & discounted books about things you just never thought you needed until it was marked down to $5.
Oh I was looking forward the closer I got to the store for the peace & quiet, the scent of coffee wafting about & the rustling of newspapers from the few people in overstuffed chairs. A faint melody of classical music in the background, the warm feeling of seeing that many books in one place could at one time bring tears to my eyes. It still was a rich memory & one I was looking forward to more after each stoplight I passed. I was really going to be in an atmosphere to let go of the kids voices in my head, giving into the indulgence of reading more than just the blurb before I bought the book & sitting somewhere to just soak in the ambiance.

Well, it seems in the year or so since I've been, Barnes & Noble has become more of a hotspot for an ecceletic group of people & more of them than I had anticipated. There were hardly any parking spots, and after I pushed my way in, the amount of people & chaotic noise from the "coffee bar" was rather off-putting. By the laughs coming from over there I was wondering to myself if they had replaced the coffee with a tad harder beverage. Not one to be discouraged I plowed through the discounted books, found a couple & kept browsing. There WERE a rather quite a few of chipy happy to help sales people that became annoying after awhile but I did press on.

The Christianity section was very mislabeled & contained books on politics, there were hardly any chairs & what were there were piled with the most toothless, half clothed people I've seen in a bookstore in awhile. That along with the blaring Bob Dylan music wasn't promoting a comforting atmosphere in the least. Oh and the children! What crazy people take children and let them RUN around the store while they browse & ignore them. Yes, things have changed and I AM old. In my day you didn't have to take children everywhere just because you gave birth to them and if you did, they had to behave or you left. Now people don't hesitate to drag their kids ANYWHERE & EVERYWHERE. And no one seems to care what the kids do or don't do. But that's a different blog for a different day.

As I wondered around some more I came across a book I wanted to look through extensively. But the only place I could find to sit & peruse this book was a stepstool. One with rubber indentations that eat into your butt & make it go numb after about 3 minutes. Payless shoes has more comfy footstools! As I'm sitting there thumbing through the book, I get to see the gaggle of people (mainly men) flowing in & out of the restrooms. One young man carried a book in. I don't think he saw me as he went in, but when he came out 15 minutes later, I KNOW he did. He seemed pretty smug till he saw me. We exchanged the "I know where you just took that book" look. At least he had the sense to look embarrassed. (In that moment I had a George Castanza/Seinfeld flashback. He was in plaid pants, I was pretty sure security could track him down to flag the book.)

My mood bubble busted I put my book back & started over to my favorite & last section, the mysteries. I saved this for last like you would a dessert you'd been craving. This was supposed to be the cherry & whipped cream of my venture out to relax. However, my hot fudge cake experience was melting all over the place so far. I would have made it fine except for the "gang" of four "goth" boys that were playing TAG down the aisles & kept almost knocking me over, yet having the decency to say excuse me every time. Thank God for small favors, is that how the saying goes? After one of them "passed gas", I was done.

I think I had gleaned all I could from this experience & what it had to offer. I was done. I couldn't say it had been relaxing but it HAD been an experience. Next time I'll just go get a drink at Sonic, buy my book at Wal-Mart & sit in the library parking lot. More peace & less gas.

It's A Miracle!

There are exactly 7 days until school starts up again. My children have been out of summer school for 3 weeks so far. 3 VERY LONG weeks. I know I sound rather wimpy but I had grown accustomed to having some time each day while the baby slept & the big kids were at school, to just have complete & utter quiet at my house. I don't ask much, my husband & I don't get dates really. We don't get to attend church, we don't get too much time away from the house in general. But I'm really really happy with my life. And I rarely spend time thinking of what I might possibly missing out on.
I've turned into quite the homebody & more often than not, I'd rather be home than anywhere else. But the quiet times get me through. It rejuvenates me to another level of being able to cope with the chatter & constant repeated questions & squabbles.

This being said, I haven't had quiet in 3 weeks or more. The times I HAVE been out of the house they've been to stores where someone elses child is doing the exact things I'm trying to escape hearing. And this brings me to my vices. I'm not proud but I am in no way embarrassed by them.

Cable television. I love me some tv people! I will watch just about anything. My soaps are the only adults I see during most days & I love getting into the ridiculous dramas. They make my life look SO tame in comparasion. We have a very ecelectic viewership. It's not odd in one night for us to be on the Discovery channel, Bravo, & Sci-Fi. (when we still got it-curses down on those Cox people) I love the reality shows & I am up on American Idol & LOST. I still need to catch up on Prison Break & 24 before the new seasons start though. So I do have some homework coming.

Another vice is the computer. Everything from surfing the net, IM-ing my husband all day & finding out where Chachi (you may have seen him on Arrested Development most recently) is to what time Project Runway reruns. I email constantly, run a scrapbooking website & check bulletin boards daily. Okay, some hourly. And I do dabble in the occasional online computer game. There's nothing like transporting yourself to a place where your body is cartoon curvy & you're outnumbered by men 24 to 1.

Now, this brings me to my last & favorite vice. Caffeine. I'll take it any form. I'm not too picky. I prefer to start off with 2-3 cups of coffee in the morning. Then gravitate in the afternoons to 2-3 Diet Dr Peppers. If it's been extremely hard week (PMS perhaps) or I feel the need to indulge myself, I'll drink a regular Dr Pepper or two.
So today I had already had my coffee, even one Diet Dr Pepper. But I was getting a headache & decided I'd chase my Excedrin with another one. When I reached into the fridge my 12 pack was EMPTY. Now there was not TOTAL panic. I knew I had another 12 pack in the garage but hot Dr Pepper of ANY variety SUCKS & it doesn't really help to try it over ice. When it's hot, there's no fizz. And the ice waters it down much too quickly. My favorite way to drink it is COLD from the fridge & then pop it back into the freezer & let it get SLUSHY! OH yeah! Just saying it makes my mouth water! (yep that's an addiction alright!)
Going back, I peek down into the empty box, no cans. A tear almost seriously escapes my eye....as did a few choice words I kept in check. But I went out to the garage, got the new 12 pack & as I pulled out the old, empty box, one single can of Diet Dr Pepper rolled out.

JOY! I can't explain the joy & utter amazement I felt! Not having to drink the hot Dr Pepper over ice. Not having to wait for one to get cold in the freezer. Ahhh bliss. It was just like the Bible talks about in John chapter 6. The loaves & fishes. This was my miracle of loaves & fishes. I needed & God provided. God is good people, God is good!

Where Have All the Brain Cells Gone.....Long Time Passing

I went to take a paying survey the other day & I barely got there in time. I remember I used to never be anywhere late, I was always on time. Now I have three kids to get settled before I can leave the house to do ANYTHING. My oldest will stand at the door asking where I'm going, what I'm gonna do when I get there & if I'm bringing him anything back. Somehow I don't really think this is all Autism related.

As soon as I get there I sign in & see there are about 5 adults including me. I answer my questions trying to remember the SAME answers I gave over the phone 3 days earlier. (this let's them know you're you) If you don't get it right, you don't get to take the $75 survey. You'd think being a college graduate I could easily recall 5 simple answers I gave to someone a few days earlier. There was sweating & not just from the 100 degree weather we're having. I usually do NOT sweat. It takes full on physical activity for me to sweat & I avoid said activity with everything in my being. Did I mention it's quiet in there? The other four are sitting there waiting on me & listening to my answers. I'm convinced with every child I've had, there are numerous brain cells lost during pregnancy AND child birth. I think brain cells must gravitate to the placenta during pregnancy & when you give birth & they push the placenta out-all 9 months of accumulation of little grey cells go too. Could be why it's so painful.

So anyway, I finally get all answers correct, finding out later one dumb guy had to be told one of his answers because he couldn't remember either. Maybe men lose brain cells through hair follicles? Just a theory. We go into a conference style room & sit down with something I haven't seen in years. A scantron. Not even one sheet, this was a booklet! A memory of tests taken long ago in college start coming back to me. Coloring in the correct bubble or if you don't know, making a pretty picture. Surely this can't be too hard! I'm home free-an easy $75 bucks right? HA! I've been out of college almost 10 years. I DO still know how to use a pencil & color in the dot, but there is a certian finesse to it I had forgotten.

We are there to listen to song sound bytes. Right up my alley! I love music & this is one of my favorite two stations. (oh & the guy that missed that one question in the pre-test, it was what was his favorite radio station....I was looking smarter by the minute)
Okay so what you realize pretty quickly is, there's only a couple seconds to fill in your answer, you have multiple combinations of anwers, and not just one. You can choose: DK for don't know, 1-7 of rating the song, and NA if the song doesn't fit your station. They complicate things by telling you that you CAN color in up to 4 bubbles for each song. Of course I can! In seconds I'm sure that's plenty of time, because I know a lot of songs. After years at home & just working off & on with children, it's nice to know that someone is asking for me to put forth some brain power. I can do this, easy $75 bucks! Oh & don't ask me what the fourth option I can color is, it's been a week & I'm sure I've already lost the brain cell that recalls that information.
I did feel smart once by having to help the "dumb guy" write in what radio station we were doing this for. It'd only been 5 minutes since he'd been told in the check in process. (I did notice later dumb guy colored his hair-badly. I would contemplate hair color sucking his brain cells out but I'd have to fess up to some loss too then.)

Okay back to the survey. Let me just say, I went through 6 pencils. We had ONE break that was 10 minutes & that was only after we listened to the first 348 songs. Yes, you heard me, 348 SONGS! Granted they were sound bytes. In case you're wondering, your hand does lose muscle tone after college if not kept in peak scantron form. There was cramping I won't lie. It was embarrasing since I was the youngest person there & the guy next to me was missing a couple of fingers. Okay knuckles but the finger part was GONE. My neck hurt, my back hurt from hunching over trying not to let dumb guy copy. But THE hardest part was NOT singing along with the songs or continuing. That really WAS a rule! You just THINK you've got a song stuck in your head right now. Try listening to 825 songs in 3 hours. I CAN still remember the last song I listened to was "Straight Tequilla Night". I think.

What's To Come

In the recent weeks & month I've had the opportunity to get back in touch with several old acquaintances & friends. Out of nowhere I've spoken to, received calls from & gotten emails from an ex-boyfriend, college roomates, cousins, friends & even a best friend from 6th grade.
My life is usually rather plain & boring. Just the perfect speed for me & the laid back life-style my husband & I lead. I like my life in it's comfortable bliss.

But I think my comfort zone of life is having a shift is causing confusion. I think my mind is grappling with the switch back to people I haven't seen since college or my wedding. It's hard to know what feelings to have. You're happy to see that person & you have good memories there, but neither of you are the same person. There aren't the same conversations really. You've both moved on to more in your life. It's not too difficult to pick back up where you left off, but the feelings come with the memories. Then you start to realize those feelings & memories don't really fit this part of your life now. The people DO, but you have to start over with the friendship almost. There IS history but there ISN'T the same bond over day-to-day things anymore.


So we all go off & get married, or don't, start jobs, careers & children. We grow up essentially.
My question is why are all these people back in my life all the sudden? What purpose does God have? Is it just the internet age connecting us all finally or is it a purpose that only God knows for what's to come. Maybe there will be a time or situation that we'll need those people from our past. Will only those people truly understand or remember what we were & are now. Maybe those are the people that know our true selfish selves. After catching up with all these family members & friends, I've decided to let God worry about why they are in my life & just go with the flow & enjoy the friendships I've reconnected with. I don't want to come across as not enjoying the reconnection with friends, I just started to wonder what was to come when 10 came out of nowhere. It's hard not to think God placed these people here to help me through the rough spots of this year. Maybe I should consider these blessings & not ask questions. One lesson I've learned is a good friend is worth starting over with no matter when they come back into your life.