Fighting Moms

I had lunch today with a friend. A fellow Fighting Mom friend.
Her son is with Carson at Rose Rock, in the same cottage even.
No two children are alike there but these boys have quite a few similarities.
She and I met by random chance on my birthday last year.
We've struck up a unique friendship that will last us for years to come I'm sure.

My friend was at Rose Rock yesterday & said there are some changes they are implementing since the Oklahoma Health Care Authority investigated last week.
They went in & checked out the kids rooms, checked on their cleanliness, clothes they wear and even talked to some of the children even.
So this week Rose Rock made some changes. Giving the kids haircuts & also they put up some cameras around the campus. Shocked? I know I am. There are now cameras in the cafeteria, by the basketball court, by the gate where people go in/out and in the kids cottages. This is all terrific news, but what I want to know is who is monitoring these cameras. And after all the administrators go home, who is monitoring them?

Don't get me wrong, I am so very happy that the pressure we applied & asked for at the Capitol meeting, is being demonstrated.
But, DHS is coming this next week to auit Rose Rock and to keep it completely real with you, I'm wondering how closely they'll be looking. It's like dirty cops trying to investigate the mob in my eyes. So I'm cautiously optimistic, because my God can use anyone. I look forward to hearing what changes Rose Rock will make after this next audit. Any changes for the positive at that facility, effect my son & therefore please me.

My friend & I go together tomorrow to see Peoples Inc. in Talequah to see their set up for our boys. Supposedly, there will be a child who turns 18 yrs old in May and ages out of the system, leaving an opening for one child.
Even though there are two kids ahead of Carson on the list, somehow they are saying he would probably get this slot. We have plenty of questions & concerns going in. I've heard it's fabulous & she's heard from someone, it's horrible. I'll be shooting for my own hand--as Princess Merdia says in the movie "Brave".
We'll keep ya posted. Thanks for any prayers you want to throw our way tomorrow. I couldn't really tell you if we are wanting it to suck or be terrific. This is Carson's last chance in Oklahoma. I struggle because if he is moved here & fails, I will need an immediate Plan B because the door to Rose Rock will be closed. Which is good---but being in Talequah is the last stop in the state for him---we either have to rule it out before he even goes & save him any extra moving/changes. Or, we have to send him & wait and see how he does. All while holding a plan B in my back pocket waiting on the sidelines to see how it all plays out.

This is exactly why I have until April/May to check out Peoples Inc---see if it even has a fence or if they even WANT a kid like Carson. And why I have until May to make a plan B and get it lined up.
Which looks like perhaps another trip to Texas is on the horizon to meet with a super secret lady who I think may just be the KeyMaster in Texas & know the GateKeeper in Oklahoma.
Have I mentioned how tired I am? Yeah I'm kind of tired. Your prayers & encouragement have kept me going when I wanted to lay down & nap. Or watch Netflix. Thank you for that. Really. If I'm not returning your calls or answering your emails or texts---please forgive me. I'm sort of really sick of myself right now & always being in business mode.  Where did January go?

The Gatekeeper & The Keymaster

This post is a of a highly personal nature. I hope I feel brave enough to post it. But it feels like I'll be baring a bit of my inner tickings to you if I do.
I woke up this morning scared. It's like those scenes in movies where the people wake up in bed sweating & out of breath--that kind of scared.
My faith today was suddenly as tiny as the mustard seed the Bible talks about. Satan had me by the throat with a choke hold.
A friend let me know, believing I'd fail today is a lie from the enemy and so I needed to speak truth to that lie.

So I started my day with son#3 in bed snuggling him because he asked. (the one I'm yelling to be quiet & quit repeating things 17 times--that one)
 I slowed down the whole hectic morning, got in under his covers, threw my leg over him & snuggled in. I lay there listening to him softly giggle at his cartoon and just enjoyed that he is mine & in my care. My mind was stilled.
After I drove him to school I decided a good run/walk might work off some of that nervous energy I had before court & then I comforted myself with my favorite playlists and my favorite "comfort clothes".  My body was now calm. Time to quiet the spirit.
The best little phrase I ever heard was years ago when I was a teenager: "The best way to get back on your feet, is to get down on your knees."
So I did. Which is what I do before each court date. Alone. On my knees, talking out loud to Jesus.
Asking for things, begging for others, some tears, some sentences I can't find the words to express. Worrying about other people. About my worthiness to ask for such things for them or myself. Thanking him for his sacrifice & grace. Thanking him for letting me have Carson for 13 years in my care.  Spirit quieted.

If you don't have close friends who will speak truth to you, you need to find yourself some fast.
I have a few & feel quiet lucky that I do.
I texted one and said, I felt like Moses. Her words---"But just like Moses you have friends to hold up your hands to help defeat the enemy when you get tired." (Exodus 17)
Oh boy did I.
Another one sent me a text to remind me "It Takes Two To Make A Thing Go Right"---a song stuck in my head lately--me & God. I smiled.
Her daughter sent me a scripture & such encouraging words, that I teared up.
One had a great idea to take a scripture & write it down on a piece of paper & put it in my shoe----to stand on the promises of God to help me be strong. So I did it.
And then two of my friends came to court with me today. That is some kind of love. My heart was full.

The DHS case worker & our lawyer all had plenty of time to sit & talk to us as we waited for our turn on the judge's docket. We discussed my trip to Texas and how the places/slots at the Autism Center of Dallas were full, but there are spots open in their sister location in San Antonio. Not my first choice.
I also told them I received a phone call from a woman who'd been in my meeting at the Capitol. She works for Child Welfare Services & is Specialized Placement. She was very interested in how Carson was being taken care of. That's a plus, but she seemed very into the idea of San Antonio. Not that Texas isn't Texas, but every time she said it, I said, "Dallas" in a corrective tone. Just making myself plain.

I talked SO much in Texas last week. Saying the same things over & over. I was very sick of my own voice. Turns out today in court I didn't have to talk to much. After I caught the lawyer & DHS worker up on all the amazing bits that make up the Dallas program, I guess the lawyer went into the court room & gave them a heads up. Because when we were called & brought in, I hadn't been sitting there 15 seconds and a man to my right, who whispers like Jackson, says, "She went to Texas last week all by herself & visited the place."
I glanced over my shoulder at him, caught his eye, gave him a dimpled, polite smile.
Which turned out to be a smart move. On the tip of my "Texas attorney" whom I spoke with last week, it was in my game plan today to speak to Carson's attorney while I was there. Befriend him & make it known I wanted to keep in touch with him so we could stay on the same page. I need to figure this man out---see if he is just doing his average best on this case or if he's really understanding where I'm coming from & on the same page as we are. And make sure he understands what IS in the best interest of Carson since he informs the judge what he thinks.
Turns out--this portly gentleman who can't whisper is Carson's attorney.

The judge very quickly wanted to know where we were at on moving him to Texas--I let our attorney address that issue & bought my time. Our DHS worker spoke up right away to let the judge know that DDSD has Carson 3rd on a list for placements. They're thinking this spring a child will be aging out of a group home type place in Talequah, OK. And that Carson can have that spot.
However, I pointed out, although math is assuredly not my strong suit, how does he take this spot, with two other children ahead of him on this list?
We all had a chuckle & she went on to discuss that these other children will have to decline this placement themselves or it will have to not fit their needs. So it may be a moot point saying this spring or we're missing something. The Judge even wondered aloud if People's Inc. (the name of the place) could HANDLE Carson. Our attorney pointed out that Carson is a flight risk.  The DHS worker pointed out apparently Rose Rock sent another kid like Carson to People's Inc. No word on how they're handling him. I've met some kids similar to Carson, but never one with all the same behaviors.

The judge looked at me & told me straight up: "I'm sorry that you asked the state for help, and we're now all relying on you to get the information for us."
Me:  "It's fine. It's my job. He's MY son."

She also told me that she only knew of them moving one kid out of state before.  (it was to Austin--TX Neuro) I told her that I met children in TX that were from Oklahoma & currently the place in San Antonio, HAD a kid from OK. That the intrastate compact was just closed right now. Our contract with Texas was no longer open. Then we all looked around the room at each other asking WHO has the authority to re-open it.
Turns out to be Oklahoma Health Care Authority/medicaid/DHS---shocker.
So the judge tells me I'll need to prove that People's Inc cannot meet his needs to exhaust Oklahoma's options. And she told me  to stay in close contact with People's Inc & document like crazy. 

As I left the court room I stopped by the table with Carson's attorney at it---introduced myself---gave him my contact info & a big ol' smile. I told him I sure would like to stay in touch. He gave me his card & as I walked out I heard him say he'd never met Carson & driving to The City was pretty far for him. As we got outside & our attorney turns to leave, he is more engaged than even last time & I'm slightly surprised by his interest. He tells me, "Keep working on it & keep me in the loop doll."

New plan---FIELD TRIP! I'll just go see People's Inc next week. See if it has a fence, how many staff. And maybe take some picture of Carson along to show them. Oh and take the DHS worker (who offered to go) and Carson's jolly attorney who can't whisper, with me. Even if I have to go by his house & drive him myself, he's going.  I might just make People's Inc cry uncle before Carson ever packs a bag.

Now---can you see the dilemma yet? Can you see the double edged sword? I want him out of Rose Rock as soon as humanely possible. I want him fed, bathed, hair combed, nails clipped & him protected from himself. But---that may mean a small move to People's Inc, knowing it's not long term. Or it could "work" and turn into long-term. Change & shake up for Carson---just because--never my first choice.
OR--wait & leave him in with people who can't meet his basic needs when they KNOW I'm coming & who's version of  "therapeutic holds" involves a kid sitting on the ground limp looking like someone is doing the freaking Heimlich on him, until a place in Texas is approved.
Rock, hard place--meet doubly hard place.
 I will also be calling the Texas people & asking---who signed off on those kids you have from Oklahoma? What was the person's name in Oklahoma that can reopen the contract with Texas? These names are protected like National Security secrets!  Who are the Gatekeeper & the Keymaster???

Heaven

Son #3, my 8 yr old,  comes to me 15 minutes after being put to bed. Says he has a question. I tell him to get in my lap where the best answers are.

He snuggles up & with tears forming in his eyes, tells me he wants to go to heaven but he doesn't want to die. I ask him what made him start thinking on all this.

Son#3: "Well, I mean, I wanna go but I don't wanna die one day. I'm scared to die."

Me: "What if I told you I was scared of dying too?"

Son#3: "But you're a mom. Mom's aren't scared!"

 Me: "Oh there's plenty that scare moms. But, our job is to protect you so you live a long, healthy life 

and you don't have to worry about things like dying until you're an old, gray grandpa."

Son#3: "What happens if I die and I'm still just a kid?" 

(Tears keep leaking out one by one after each question & I kiss my finger as I wipe away each tear. He's trying to keep a small smile, bless his heart.)

Me: "I'm pretty sure it's automatic you get to be in heaven with Jesus. He likes little kids a lot. He even talks about that in the Bible."

Son#3: "Well, what about if I have a friend & he dies and goes to uh, the...(points & whispers) the place down there. You know H--E--BLANK--L. What happens to him?"

Me: "I think it's a place no one wants to stay & it's pretty hot. I promise you don't need to think about any of this just yet baby."

Son#3: "So what happens if I die when I'm old?"

Me: "Well, at some point you're going to be old enough to understand what God's asking of you in the Bible. And if you want to do what He asks of you to do to get to heaven, then I believe you're good. But that's all up to God. He loves every single person, even when we aren't making good choices. And he shows mercy a lot. Just like I will ALWAYS love you, even if you don't make a good choice. It's going to all be fine, I promise. You need to just keep being exactly who He created you to be. Grayson, with your big, giant, caring heart. Just you. Nobody else. And what do I tell you when you leave for school EVERY day??"

Son#3: "MAKE GOOD CHOICES!"

(last tear wiped)

Me: "Baby, I want you to know, you can come & sit on my lap when you're any age, and you can always come & ask me ANY question, about ANYTHING.  I may not have the answer but I will always love you, and we can always talk about it no matter what it is baby."

Son#3: "Okay Mommy. Hey Mommy?"

Me: "Yeah baby?"

Son#3: "Can I get that app we were talking about for the iPad now?"

Sigh!