Dear Boys~
One day you'll be reading this as grown men, and I felt I should let you in on the reality of how a day in the life of your mother feels.
Today, in this time of your life, you think I play games and watch T.V. all day. As much as I'd like this to be true, a lady of leisure I'm not.
I just had a very trying few days lately as your mother and felt it might help your future selves and your children to understand me better if I write it all down now.
Jackson, I really worry about your adjusting to high school. You still seem so immature to me, yet your deep voice & leg hair suggest different. I know, you don't want to talk about that.
You tell me you want to live with me forever & won't even contemplate spending the night with someone else, but you talk to me with such rudeness sometimes. I realize no matter how much autism there is in your make up, there is just as much "normal teenager" in there as well.
I worry about kids offering you drugs or making fun of you and you not knowing it. I worry about you not feeling the need for friends, but you tell me that you like doing what you want by yourself. I'm happy you & Noah are talking computer games & starting to want to "hang out". Who knew it'd be 14 years before you wanted a play date? I love how when you hug me or give me a kiss, you have to bend down to do it. My big boy. Your daddy always asks me don't I want you all to become men one day. I always look at him like he's grown three heads--Umm NO I DON'T! Men have their own lives that moms aren't privy to most of the time. Who will help you? Who will see the situation UN-literally & guide you through it? Who else will call me Julie like you do?
It's one thing to leave my own life up to God. To realize my part in His plan and allow my control over my life to be usurped. But I carried YOU in my body. I prayed and talked to you before you ever left my body. You were all I had when Daddy & I started out. Just you and me alone all day waiting for him to come home. I've been there when no one else was. I talked you out of meltdowns, snapped at people who stared too long, and I explained your behavior to others in a way to help them understand you better. I helped set your course in the way I felt God might want it to be. But to have you grow up, means I have to give up steering your course and turn it over to God. That is much, much more difficult for me than giving my own life over to Him. To pray from afar? I have to let you go little by little and it's hard for a mommy. I guess that's better than ripping the band-aid off all at once though.
That band-aid brings me to you Carson. You are my baby that I brought home & I wanted ten more right then. You are so perfect in my eyes. Your laughing spirit makes me so happy your middle name is Isaac. This week I've been working on school things here for when you come home from camp. And it's not been easy son. I'm finding answers I didn't want, nothing is as easy as I hoped it would be if I was organized and I just want to hurry up and have you here. All my chickies in the nest. Daddy is there at camp with you right now. He said you saw him and were all smiles.
I know you realize you're coming home this weekend. I'm not even stressed like usual. I'm just waiting patiently for you to get here. I need you to be where I can keep you from scraping your knees up constantly. I need to be the one who puts medicine on your owies and who knows what your cry means you need. I hope you learned things while you were at camp. I pray when you get back things are better for you & for us as a family.
We love you so much CarCar.
So many things will change here Carson, but I'm ready. I'm ready for God to give me the reigns back. I've learned how to get to the peace that passes understanding. You being gone for a year, you being hurt either by someone else or their stupidity, it was a direct message from God that I have no control over this. He has this. Your mommy is a realist, and she hardly does anything without putting an efficient twist on it. If I had no control, than 99% of the time I knew this was ALL God's plan. That even if you were hurt when I had left you somewhere, God had plans for that event. Godly things would come of it. And I would never, ever in my mommy mind know what that could be, so I left the big stuff up to Him and concentrated on what He asked of me. To love Him with all my heart, mind, soul and spirit.
Carson, people have asked me and my friends all year, "How is Julie this calm?"
I was never happy you were away. But over the years I've learned to be happy wherever I am. It's all relative. On the side of a highway, you find the bad that didn't happen. When your child was hurt, you find relief in that someone found it and reported it.
I don't have all the answers Carson, and you and I will butt heads when you come home, I'm sure of it. There will be hard days, I'm sure. Days we both cry. You, Daddy & I have many, many years together still. But that's my job. God asked me to be in charge of helping you be the best you that you can be. So I want you to know, that I'm on it. I will NOT fail you. And when I can't be there, God has you. I'm so excited that while things won't be much different with you home than before, that God says it's time. So that tells me, there are plans to prosper you my baby.
Grayson Matthew--boy were you a surprise. And you continue to be one. Who knew that God had been holding you back waiting all those years to give you to our family when you were needed the most?
Papa died suddenly the month before you were born. You were such a gift from God. Nana cried a lot when she held you at first. She was so sad that Papa would never know you. But I told her that Papa met you before any of us did. You are such a ball of happy energy that never stops wondering and trying to please us all. Your spirit was sent from God to our family.
You're in your first week of first grade when I'm writing this letter. New school, new teacher and getting ready to share your bedroom with Carson.
You two have always been buddies. Since you were born Carson has stuck pretty close to you. He was always & still is, so very easy with you. Your prayers for him every night to keep him safe are like music to my soul. Your brothers are both lucky to have you. One day they'll need you ,but I know right now they give you a hard time. Just know that they love you and how different you are from them and how you are always so loving with them.
I see all that you will have to know for school and your Daddy & I see how different of a world this will be for us. Right now I worry that you don't know anyone at your new school & at church you only have one or two friends. You love people so much that I hate to see you left out or struggling for friends to include you. I love the little man you are right now. You started out so shy and wouldn't talk and now you're volunteering to lead prayers in your Bible class! You're so smart Gray, and your mind sees things as being so easy. You're eager to learn and we know you'll one day want to play sports. We've never been in that parenting world yet of soccer moms & dads but we know you will open new doors to our family with your smile and personality that people love.
One day I would bet we have a house full of your friends & while I'm feeding them huge amounts of food, you'll be including your brothers in the fun. Your heart is so tender & so big and full of love. You light up the room son, and one day I know all my worries will be for nothing and you'll be king of all the playgrounds! It's hard to imagine that as you start first grade, Jack is starting his freshman year in high school. Or that Jackson will be 18 yrs old in 4 years. That Carson is taller than me and weighs what my drivers license says I do.
The last few days were tough, but the twinkle in your eyes, all of your big, brown, mommy eyes, give me the strength to get back up and do the whole mommy thing again tomorrow. Even when I have a headache, or you're sassy, annoying or loud, I still always want to be your mommy. So remember that forever when you're reading this my three sons.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
To Do List
My "To DO List" is getting longer instead of shorter.
I keep thinking of things I need to do before son#2 comes home for good. Or even before his next visit on Aug 31.
I ordered the new seat belt locks for both cars--$25 on Amazon.
http://www.amazon.com/Buckle-Guard-Seat-Safety-Black/dp/B002XUYF9C/ref=pd_bxgy_ba_img_c
We'll probably order the fridge lock after payday. It was rated rather high, especially by people with Alzheimers keeping their significant other out of the fridge--sounds promising.
I'm cleaning out a closet for son#2 today. This house has the smallest closets I've ever seen and there's no way he can share a closet with son#3. We had bigger ones in college in our first apartment!
I need to get a 3 wide drawer rolling cart for his clothes & several things of hangers. We only have one dresser in this house--ours. Long story short, it has saved floor space for kids to have more room to play--hence the Rubbermaid drawers in the closet.
I have door knobs that we've taken off & turned around so I need to get those changed back. I really need to find a carpenter & get a quote ASAP on building a small pantry for us so that it's done before September 26th.
I have a million phone calls of people to notify, school papers to fill out for transferring him back etc.
I've made doctor appointments for the 27th already to transfer handling of meds.
I need a new trashcan that has a lid that swings but mostly stays shut so I can leave it in the house & not have to put it in the garage as well. I could use a new can opener so that lids/cans don't have the sharp edge that have caused calls to 911 in the past with son#2.
I'll probably need some more Rubbermaid that fits under the beds for toy storage when we unbunk them this weekend. (Lord, a small prayer that our backs hold out during that.)
I need to either find new, happy homes for all my plants or see if realistically they are safe on top of the fridge.
I've really enjoyed having plants again, but son#2 loves to tear the leaves off and eat the dirt.
I probably need to let our not so loving landlord know that the gate on the fence is sagging and since son#2 is a flight risk, so is the gate. And I need to let her know there is something wrong with the garage door--we have to manually make it go up & down.
While all this sounds overwhelming (and that's not even buying a truck load of diapers/wipes & gloves) I am trying in the midst of all this prep, to take into consideration how sons#1 and #3 start school in two days. Getting their supplies ready, make sure they have enough clothes/shoes and talking them each down from nervousness as they each start a brand new school.
Signed--
Looking Forward to Finding My New Normal ASAP
I keep thinking of things I need to do before son#2 comes home for good. Or even before his next visit on Aug 31.
I ordered the new seat belt locks for both cars--$25 on Amazon.
http://www.amazon.com/Buckle-Guard-Seat-Safety-Black/dp/B002XUYF9C/ref=pd_bxgy_ba_img_c
We'll probably order the fridge lock after payday. It was rated rather high, especially by people with Alzheimers keeping their significant other out of the fridge--sounds promising.
I'm cleaning out a closet for son#2 today. This house has the smallest closets I've ever seen and there's no way he can share a closet with son#3. We had bigger ones in college in our first apartment!
I need to get a 3 wide drawer rolling cart for his clothes & several things of hangers. We only have one dresser in this house--ours. Long story short, it has saved floor space for kids to have more room to play--hence the Rubbermaid drawers in the closet.
I have door knobs that we've taken off & turned around so I need to get those changed back. I really need to find a carpenter & get a quote ASAP on building a small pantry for us so that it's done before September 26th.
I have a million phone calls of people to notify, school papers to fill out for transferring him back etc.
I've made doctor appointments for the 27th already to transfer handling of meds.
I need a new trashcan that has a lid that swings but mostly stays shut so I can leave it in the house & not have to put it in the garage as well. I could use a new can opener so that lids/cans don't have the sharp edge that have caused calls to 911 in the past with son#2.
I'll probably need some more Rubbermaid that fits under the beds for toy storage when we unbunk them this weekend. (Lord, a small prayer that our backs hold out during that.)
I need to either find new, happy homes for all my plants or see if realistically they are safe on top of the fridge.
I've really enjoyed having plants again, but son#2 loves to tear the leaves off and eat the dirt.
I probably need to let our not so loving landlord know that the gate on the fence is sagging and since son#2 is a flight risk, so is the gate. And I need to let her know there is something wrong with the garage door--we have to manually make it go up & down.
While all this sounds overwhelming (and that's not even buying a truck load of diapers/wipes & gloves) I am trying in the midst of all this prep, to take into consideration how sons#1 and #3 start school in two days. Getting their supplies ready, make sure they have enough clothes/shoes and talking them each down from nervousness as they each start a brand new school.
Signed--
Looking Forward to Finding My New Normal ASAP
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Progress
prog·ress
noun
1.
a movement toward a goal or to a further or higher stage: the progress of a student toward a degree.
2.
developmental activity in science, technology, etc., especially with reference to the commercial opportunities created thereby or to the promotion of the material well-being of the public through the goods, techniques, or facilities created.
3.
advancement in general.
4.
growth or development; continuous improvement: He shows progress in his muscular coordination.
5.
the development of an individual or society in a direction considered more beneficial than and superior to the previous level.
We're gonna go with definition 5 today folks.
Son#2 *has* made some progress since being at Camelot. He can keep his clothes on, the majority of the time. He can put his own shoes on himself. He will use a fork or utensil while eating. His outbursts are less frequent. He's getting better at waiting, unless it involves food. And while son#2 hasn't mastered his anger, the higher powers at Camelot are talking discharge. He will have been there ONE YEAR on September 26th.
The "powers that be" (PTB) will be doing his annual review on that date, and we've been given a heads up by Lolly the therapist that they probably can't find a reason to keep him. We were told if we start to come to therapy once a week, (4 hr total round trip) OR take him on overnight passes more often, we might be able to draw out the time he can stay. Hubby & I feel we logistically & financially we can't play the game that way.
There have been changes at Camelot that make it difficult for me to feel as comfortable with him being there as well. The director is now in a different job & I truly felt she had the kids best interest at heart. While I don't know the new director & can't question her motives, I feel less comfortable than I did.
Toya, son#2's main, favorite of all people, staff---was let go. She was put on leave after a director of a different cottage observed her with son#2 and felt she was being too rough. I wasn't there but can tell you, I'm sure that wasn't the case. Toya has been out with our family on outings & for meals, I've always felt she was helping son#2 & forever patient with him. Not to mention the fact that she has a mentally challenged sister that is an adult now that she helped raise.
Camelot found her not-guilty, but because of this person's wording in her report, a complaint went to OCA. (Oklahoma Child Advocacy) So now, Toya has been on un-paid leave since first weeks of July, and she recently got a letter terminating her from Camelot. Which is very disappointing to me since in December when son#2 had such horrific bruising & OCA was called in, they couldn't pin down who was negligent or who caused the bruising so those workers were allowed to stay on.
I called OCA myself & left messages saying I'd testify to how I felt Toya did with son#2. And I sent her a character letter, notarized and ready to go. Poor thing needs to clear her name to still work in this field, even if she can't get back at Camelot. We'll see how all that goes, but son#2 has adjusted really well to his new staff and seems to be doing okay. So that's a relief to me throughout all that.
Having son#2 home sounds divine in some respects & scares me in others. His anger still isn't under control completely. There are many things here that need to be addressed before he's here full time & the time clock is ON! One of which is the small problem of the fridge & pantry. And then there's not enough bedrooms for everyone to have their own. I may start a change jar to save for a house.
Life is moving on, school starts the 23rd of August here. Son#1 is a freshman, son#3 is starting at a school by our house and then it closes next year. I tried to get him transferred to one that will stay open so he doesn't have to keep switching, but the planets didn't align on that for me.
All, in all things will be changing for us. Son#2 we are 95% sure will be coming home at the end of Sept, early October. Progress has been made, we've all learned a lot and God had a plan. I love the idea of less bruises on son#2 and being able to see what he needs. But with that comes so many things I can't control. His anger is one. There's all the walks he's used to, having to stop the other kids schedule or what I'm doing to take him for a walk to calm him down is going to be new. Get him re-enrolled in school here, maybe find a place he can go half days after school. Where he'll have time alone in this house, I don't know. Keeping him from eating cleaners and putting all my knives and soap in the kitchen away, will be a step backward in adjustments. Everything locked back up, will undoubtedly drive us mad at the beginning, but this *is* progress. I'm not in on it yet, but there's plan because I have faith someone bigger than me knows what's going on.
noun
1.
a movement toward a goal or to a further or higher stage: the progress of a student toward a degree.
2.
developmental activity in science, technology, etc., especially with reference to the commercial opportunities created thereby or to the promotion of the material well-being of the public through the goods, techniques, or facilities created.
3.
advancement in general.
4.
growth or development; continuous improvement: He shows progress in his muscular coordination.
5.
the development of an individual or society in a direction considered more beneficial than and superior to the previous level.
We're gonna go with definition 5 today folks.
Son#2 *has* made some progress since being at Camelot. He can keep his clothes on, the majority of the time. He can put his own shoes on himself. He will use a fork or utensil while eating. His outbursts are less frequent. He's getting better at waiting, unless it involves food. And while son#2 hasn't mastered his anger, the higher powers at Camelot are talking discharge. He will have been there ONE YEAR on September 26th.
The "powers that be" (PTB) will be doing his annual review on that date, and we've been given a heads up by Lolly the therapist that they probably can't find a reason to keep him. We were told if we start to come to therapy once a week, (4 hr total round trip) OR take him on overnight passes more often, we might be able to draw out the time he can stay. Hubby & I feel we logistically & financially we can't play the game that way.
There have been changes at Camelot that make it difficult for me to feel as comfortable with him being there as well. The director is now in a different job & I truly felt she had the kids best interest at heart. While I don't know the new director & can't question her motives, I feel less comfortable than I did.
Toya, son#2's main, favorite of all people, staff---was let go. She was put on leave after a director of a different cottage observed her with son#2 and felt she was being too rough. I wasn't there but can tell you, I'm sure that wasn't the case. Toya has been out with our family on outings & for meals, I've always felt she was helping son#2 & forever patient with him. Not to mention the fact that she has a mentally challenged sister that is an adult now that she helped raise.
Camelot found her not-guilty, but because of this person's wording in her report, a complaint went to OCA. (Oklahoma Child Advocacy) So now, Toya has been on un-paid leave since first weeks of July, and she recently got a letter terminating her from Camelot. Which is very disappointing to me since in December when son#2 had such horrific bruising & OCA was called in, they couldn't pin down who was negligent or who caused the bruising so those workers were allowed to stay on.
I called OCA myself & left messages saying I'd testify to how I felt Toya did with son#2. And I sent her a character letter, notarized and ready to go. Poor thing needs to clear her name to still work in this field, even if she can't get back at Camelot. We'll see how all that goes, but son#2 has adjusted really well to his new staff and seems to be doing okay. So that's a relief to me throughout all that.
Having son#2 home sounds divine in some respects & scares me in others. His anger still isn't under control completely. There are many things here that need to be addressed before he's here full time & the time clock is ON! One of which is the small problem of the fridge & pantry. And then there's not enough bedrooms for everyone to have their own. I may start a change jar to save for a house.
Life is moving on, school starts the 23rd of August here. Son#1 is a freshman, son#3 is starting at a school by our house and then it closes next year. I tried to get him transferred to one that will stay open so he doesn't have to keep switching, but the planets didn't align on that for me.
All, in all things will be changing for us. Son#2 we are 95% sure will be coming home at the end of Sept, early October. Progress has been made, we've all learned a lot and God had a plan. I love the idea of less bruises on son#2 and being able to see what he needs. But with that comes so many things I can't control. His anger is one. There's all the walks he's used to, having to stop the other kids schedule or what I'm doing to take him for a walk to calm him down is going to be new. Get him re-enrolled in school here, maybe find a place he can go half days after school. Where he'll have time alone in this house, I don't know. Keeping him from eating cleaners and putting all my knives and soap in the kitchen away, will be a step backward in adjustments. Everything locked back up, will undoubtedly drive us mad at the beginning, but this *is* progress. I'm not in on it yet, but there's plan because I have faith someone bigger than me knows what's going on.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Ten Things Wednesday
Ten Things Wednesday, Yeah WEDNESDAY--I'm thankful & it doesn't matter what day it is that I get around to writing about it.
1. MY BABY WILL BE HOME IN TWO DAYS!!!!!! Sure other stuff can happen to prevent that, *cough/Satan/cough* BUT, I chose to think positive & have faith and BELIEVE God wants it & with our faith, it will be truth.
2. I'm so thankful for air conditioning. And that includes borrowed window units.
It makes me a nicer person too.
3. Some people don't have good bus situations for their school kids, but we've been really lucky to have not good, but GREAT bus people. Some have moved, some have passed on. But we still have good ones here & they always go above & beyond. This time they stepped up letting us borrow a seat belt lock for son#2 this weekend.
4. Thank you God for terrific friends, family & church family. Listening to me whine, stress & flip-out. Always there to talk me off the ledge & help problem solve. And without all of our friends, we would never have made it through this 9 months son#2's been away.
5.I'm thankful for my boys---without them I don't think I'd smile & laugh as much. Sure three kids is more of a handful than one. But I'd rather have more the laughs & memories. They are so hilarious & make me crazy all at the same time. Life's stressful and to have them distracting me & keeping me busy helps keep me up in the happy, rather than down in the dumps.
6. I had a friend who's young 3 yr old daughter was accidently hit in the head with a golf club last week. She had surgery & has recovered amazingly well! A true miracle. It was such a scary situation to hear about & see. I'm truly very thankful that God had His hand on her & the doctors.
7. This summer has been so different already from past summers for me. It is NOT my favorite time of year. I detest it. It depresses me. Seriously.
But this year, there's a little less stress, no summer school so we set our own schedule & we have an extra car so the kids & I aren't home bound all day.
8. I have reason to also give thanks that son#1 is STILL eating homemade grilled cheese & loving it! He is saving me some money & making some other small concessions on yogurt. Baby steps---but the first baby steps since he was about 6yrs old. I'll take it.
9. We've had two elders here in our home congregation that have health scares recently. I'm excited to see them doing better & better with time and prayers. The power of prayer & an earnest heart is so wonderful.
10. Mothers are a strong breed. Mine has great endurance & when we need her, she comes to the rescue.
1. MY BABY WILL BE HOME IN TWO DAYS!!!!!! Sure other stuff can happen to prevent that, *cough/Satan/cough* BUT, I chose to think positive & have faith and BELIEVE God wants it & with our faith, it will be truth.
2. I'm so thankful for air conditioning. And that includes borrowed window units.
It makes me a nicer person too.
3. Some people don't have good bus situations for their school kids, but we've been really lucky to have not good, but GREAT bus people. Some have moved, some have passed on. But we still have good ones here & they always go above & beyond. This time they stepped up letting us borrow a seat belt lock for son#2 this weekend.
4. Thank you God for terrific friends, family & church family. Listening to me whine, stress & flip-out. Always there to talk me off the ledge & help problem solve. And without all of our friends, we would never have made it through this 9 months son#2's been away.
5.I'm thankful for my boys---without them I don't think I'd smile & laugh as much. Sure three kids is more of a handful than one. But I'd rather have more the laughs & memories. They are so hilarious & make me crazy all at the same time. Life's stressful and to have them distracting me & keeping me busy helps keep me up in the happy, rather than down in the dumps.
6. I had a friend who's young 3 yr old daughter was accidently hit in the head with a golf club last week. She had surgery & has recovered amazingly well! A true miracle. It was such a scary situation to hear about & see. I'm truly very thankful that God had His hand on her & the doctors.
7. This summer has been so different already from past summers for me. It is NOT my favorite time of year. I detest it. It depresses me. Seriously.
But this year, there's a little less stress, no summer school so we set our own schedule & we have an extra car so the kids & I aren't home bound all day.
8. I have reason to also give thanks that son#1 is STILL eating homemade grilled cheese & loving it! He is saving me some money & making some other small concessions on yogurt. Baby steps---but the first baby steps since he was about 6yrs old. I'll take it.
9. We've had two elders here in our home congregation that have health scares recently. I'm excited to see them doing better & better with time and prayers. The power of prayer & an earnest heart is so wonderful.
10. Mothers are a strong breed. Mine has great endurance & when we need her, she comes to the rescue.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Jesus Take The Wheel
Best to just jump in and rip the band-aid off.
It wasn't good people. I'll just shoot straight with ya. I wasn't stressed about son#2 coming home for a visit again, I was stressed trying to get all of the end of the school year crapola done. (Yes mom, "crapola". It rhymes with crayola.)
In fact, I was SO very happy son#2 was coming. I had big plans. I cooked all day Thursday and made his favorite casserole, veges and cookies. I had dinner ready for when we'd get home Friday. I couldn't even stop smiling if I'd wanted to Thursday.
Friday, well, first God blessed us with clouds on the trip up because it was already humid and 80 degrees. Therapy was at 10am and son#2 was looking SO good. We were all packed up, checked out around 11am, had the big bag of his meds and were on our way. We thought we'd stop at the halfway point on the way back in Stroud at their McDonalds for lunch to eat & let son#2 stretch his legs. I had *just* taken a cute picture of all my chickies in the backseat and sent it to my friends saying that my heart was singing, when "it" happened.
We blew a tire just after getting on I-35 again. The one tire that was old and original.(The Sheriff said the tire nuts were rusted on.) We had heard a "POP" sound like something hit the back end of the car but cars & trucks were passing us so fast, we assumed it was a dirt clod or something. (Apparently it was a plug in the tire and it had popped out & the tire lost air pretty fast.) As soon as we pulled over, the clouds disappeared. Of course.
I called for the auto-club, and warned the police where we were on the highway and that we had two Autistic kids in the car--3 kids total. Does that seem unwarranted to you? The dispatcher thought so & let me know they did not have the man-power to have someone come & wait with us while we were changing a flat tire. I said okay, I was just giving you a warning, and politely hung up.
BRIGHT SIDE NOTE: I have been told, the Oklahoma Highway Patrol was not happy with the way they handled the last incident we were involved in bringing son#2 back last time. SO they will all be undergoing training in how to deal with Autistic persons. I cannot tell you how happy I am to think we went through all that horrible mess, to help someone else later down the road so maybe their experience, is bettered in some way.)
I think Hubby had joked with a friend just this week that we were going to try and get the police headcount down from 12 to 2 this time around. We are nothing if not truthful.
Two uniformed officers came. One was a Sheriff & stopped to check on us after stopping a teeny, tiny, old lady in a Cadillac just to make sure she wasn't a teenager stealing the vehicle. And the other came for back up, all before the auto club guy showed. The AAA guy was impressed that the police came (it seriously IS not a good highway to change a tire on yourself and they told us this AGAIN.) and not just one but TWO.
After I had made these initial phone calls, I called Camelot immediately to let Lolly the therapist know what was going on. Just in case someone had to come get son#2. Turns out we'd passed Toya, our son's staff member/miracle worker, in the parking lot without seeing her. She heard what was going & drove out to help keep son#2 cool & calm. It was SO nice of her on her day off. She loves my baby so I love her.
After we were on our doughnut, (Which son#3 was *dying* to see for himself--envisioning a real doughnut--he is indeed my child.)we followed Toya to a nearby Wal-Mart to get a real tire. We weren't taking three kids home with a back spare for 2 hrs.
Turns out that first (yes, FIRST) WM, didn't have a tire & lube bay. We headed to the next one (#2), again following Toya, and it was just a small Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market. Fail!
We did about 20 mins more of driving, with hungry, very tired, hot kids in the backseat, and found ANOTHER WM(#3). Toya and I go in, while Hubby took the car info down about the tire. I had promised the kids McDonalds, and it turns out this specific WM, only had Subway. Damn those healthy buggers! Son#1 had a meltdown, son#2 quickly took a lady in the next booth's bun off her sandwich and scared her half-to-death. Luckily she was good-natured about it all. And about the time Toya & I started to get it under control, Hubby comes back to say, that the automotive dept computer *says* there's a tire there to fit our car, but they can't find it.
So we packed up kiddos and took off to ANOTHER WM.
Toya again leading the parade. (And adults still having not eaten or drank much yet.) But at least we're keeping son#2's demon's at bay.
2pm-ish
It's 90 degrees by now. We get to our fourth WM, and yes they have the tire, and YES they have a McDonalds. We sent poor Toya back off into her own life to enjoy her weekend off. God bless her with something. She deserved it. Second lunch for kids! Yes, we're hobbits. While Hubby was off dealing with the car/tire issue, I got the kids eating and some very nice lady came & asked me if I needed help. She looked so concerned for me. God bless her but there was nothing she could do at this stage unless she had a bag full of money and big ol' chill pill for mama bear!
We walked around in that WM for 2 hrs. Son#2 was over-stimulated and finding strange things like ladders he'd take down that tickled his fancy and the other two with giant cases of the "Gimme's".
I think we spent the majority of our time on the fan aisle. It was the warmest WM I've been inside in awhile. Of course.
(Oh and a big fat thank you, to the goobers that left a used Big Gulp on a shelf near the fans complete with nasty dried out, opened package of Whoppers. You made son#2's day & that hunger I was starting to feel went bye-bye. And whatever idiot boy came up with putting all the S'more makings like Hershey bars back by automotive---THANK YOU TOO! I owe ya big time. I thought that'd be a safe part of the store since the other food half was definitely off limits. But NOoooooooo! Thanks for that.)
We also realized during these trips to different Wal-Marts that our battery cables needed replaced because it's not a great connection. We lost the clock and the cigarette lighter. Which means no charger for the dvd player or phones or Tom-Tom. Of course.
4pm
We made a decision & called Camelot. We were going to take son#2 back to camp. There was no way in our mind that he'd get in a hot car, in prime Memorial Day weekend traffic and drive 2 hrs back home with us--eat, shower & go to bed--turning around and leaving the house Saturday by 8am again. It was too much. We had wasted our day & never left the city. It was so, utterly disappointing. I wanted to cry, puke and slap somebody all at once. I would never have been as sane as I was through all of it (and I'm pretty sure Hubby questions that.) if I didn't have my Prayer Warrior Chicks. They were on it. We were texting & they were lifting me up in prayer when I just didn't have the energy myself. God is good. It was such a long, hot day. It probably sounds pretty tame in comparison to the other incident, but you've never spent a day chasing after my three sons in a Wal-Mart. And I bet if I let you, you wouldn't or couldn't do it again. It was safe & air-conditioned.
4:30pm
We took son#2 back to camp. He was fine with us leaving then. I know he was so tired. He kept yawning & he's the Energizer bunny. I told Lolly when I handed back all his meds I'd been tempted to take the whole bag myself to calm me down. She laughed. I didn't.
The traffic was not nearly as bad as I thought it'd be on the way back to Tulsa, but the wind was causing some trucks trouble with keeping on the road. I was so jumpy and stressed with any bump or noise the car made. I think I drove my husband batty. (**see below**)
7pm
I am happy to say we were SAFELY home. Son#3 kept yipping happily when he saw things he recognized,that we "were back in Oklahoma!" and how we needed to take the subway the next time we go to see Carson. Hubby and I agreed it'd be smart to dig a tunnel for a train. I might do that this summer.
I wish I could tell you our story ended her. It didn't.
We ordered a pizza when we got home & seriously I can't even explain the drama. They called me back immediately asking for the address to confirm it was for delivery. It would be a 35-45 min wait. Sigh! But when it'd been an hour and I could peel myself off the couch I called back...
Me: "Where is our pizza South Broken Arrow Papa Johns?????"
PJ: "Umm well no one put delivery on it, it's been sitting here."
ME: "What's your name?"
PJ: "Drew."
Me: "Well, listen Drew. The reason I know this mess up is your fault is because you called me back to ASK me what address for delivery. SO, I'd like a newly baked HOT pizza that's free. Do you think you can do that Drew?"
PJ: /pause "Umm yeah I think we can. We will. I'll do that."
Me: "Thank you. I'll tell ya Drew, I just spent a very bad day in a city I didn't want to be stuck in ever again, and it's still a pretty bad day. I haven't eaten a bite of food all day and it's now 8pm. I want you to know I know it's not YOUR fault Drew but I'm yelling at you just the same. Okay?"
PJ: "Yeah okay. I'm sorry."
Me: "Thank you Drew. Now go make me a pizza."
For those of you who can't picture ME saying that & actually standing up for myself---you can bet your sweet bippy I DID say all that--100% true! It was NOT the day to mess with me. And this location had done this SAME thing to us the LAST time we got back from the highway incident with son#2. Of course.
9pm
Camelot called. After we left & son#2 was at dinner he got upset and had to be put in a hold. He knew he was supposed to get to go. But WE knew he'd never have made it for 2 more hrs in the car. It may not make sense to you, but I beg you not to judge that. My big mama heart wanted him home. I wanted to squeeze him & love on him all night long. But the day would have gotten worse. And we had two kids in the car besides him that were exhausted & desperate to get home too. They were sad too. Son#3 broke my heart writing me a note last night that I should never leave son#2 at camp again.
Camelot called again today. Son#2 bit a nurse & they had to pry his teeth off her arm. He's mad. Not the usual staff--holiday weekend. And he's not at home. He knows. I know. My heart isn't singing anymore. It's sad. Very sad. I know I've written a lot & you wanna stop reading. I know I've said this before, but it warrants repeating.
Autism can warrant pity or garner sympathy or even support. But it's not pretty day in and day out. It's the screaming child at the supermarket/McDonalds, that didn't get their way or you didn't do it the same way for. It's the child no one understands or who people stare at or find uncomfortable to be around. And difficult to even like all the time. Some people feel uncomfortable with what they can't fix. They may like you, but they just don't understand. However, it is what it is. And knowledge is power which is why I let you in on all the ins/outs sometimes. It sure isn't because I like typing it all out to relive it. Knowledge can change behavior and that excites me. I don't feel I can change the world but I can help change mine. Sometimes.
**For you church people I kept thinking of the song about "The winds and the waves shall obey Thy will, peace be still, peace be still. Whether the wrath of the storm tossed sea or demons or men or whatever it be, no water can swallow the ship where lies the Master of ocean and earth and sky. They all shall sweetly obey Thy will, peace be still, peace be still. They all shall sweetly obey Thy will, peace, peace be still."
It wasn't good people. I'll just shoot straight with ya. I wasn't stressed about son#2 coming home for a visit again, I was stressed trying to get all of the end of the school year crapola done. (Yes mom, "crapola". It rhymes with crayola.)
In fact, I was SO very happy son#2 was coming. I had big plans. I cooked all day Thursday and made his favorite casserole, veges and cookies. I had dinner ready for when we'd get home Friday. I couldn't even stop smiling if I'd wanted to Thursday.
Friday, well, first God blessed us with clouds on the trip up because it was already humid and 80 degrees. Therapy was at 10am and son#2 was looking SO good. We were all packed up, checked out around 11am, had the big bag of his meds and were on our way. We thought we'd stop at the halfway point on the way back in Stroud at their McDonalds for lunch to eat & let son#2 stretch his legs. I had *just* taken a cute picture of all my chickies in the backseat and sent it to my friends saying that my heart was singing, when "it" happened.
We blew a tire just after getting on I-35 again. The one tire that was old and original.(The Sheriff said the tire nuts were rusted on.) We had heard a "POP" sound like something hit the back end of the car but cars & trucks were passing us so fast, we assumed it was a dirt clod or something. (Apparently it was a plug in the tire and it had popped out & the tire lost air pretty fast.) As soon as we pulled over, the clouds disappeared. Of course.
I called for the auto-club, and warned the police where we were on the highway and that we had two Autistic kids in the car--3 kids total. Does that seem unwarranted to you? The dispatcher thought so & let me know they did not have the man-power to have someone come & wait with us while we were changing a flat tire. I said okay, I was just giving you a warning, and politely hung up.
BRIGHT SIDE NOTE: I have been told, the Oklahoma Highway Patrol was not happy with the way they handled the last incident we were involved in bringing son#2 back last time. SO they will all be undergoing training in how to deal with Autistic persons. I cannot tell you how happy I am to think we went through all that horrible mess, to help someone else later down the road so maybe their experience, is bettered in some way.)
I think Hubby had joked with a friend just this week that we were going to try and get the police headcount down from 12 to 2 this time around. We are nothing if not truthful.
Two uniformed officers came. One was a Sheriff & stopped to check on us after stopping a teeny, tiny, old lady in a Cadillac just to make sure she wasn't a teenager stealing the vehicle. And the other came for back up, all before the auto club guy showed. The AAA guy was impressed that the police came (it seriously IS not a good highway to change a tire on yourself and they told us this AGAIN.) and not just one but TWO.
After I had made these initial phone calls, I called Camelot immediately to let Lolly the therapist know what was going on. Just in case someone had to come get son#2. Turns out we'd passed Toya, our son's staff member/miracle worker, in the parking lot without seeing her. She heard what was going & drove out to help keep son#2 cool & calm. It was SO nice of her on her day off. She loves my baby so I love her.
After we were on our doughnut, (Which son#3 was *dying* to see for himself--envisioning a real doughnut--he is indeed my child.)we followed Toya to a nearby Wal-Mart to get a real tire. We weren't taking three kids home with a back spare for 2 hrs.
Turns out that first (yes, FIRST) WM, didn't have a tire & lube bay. We headed to the next one (#2), again following Toya, and it was just a small Wal-Mart Neighborhood Market. Fail!
We did about 20 mins more of driving, with hungry, very tired, hot kids in the backseat, and found ANOTHER WM(#3). Toya and I go in, while Hubby took the car info down about the tire. I had promised the kids McDonalds, and it turns out this specific WM, only had Subway. Damn those healthy buggers! Son#1 had a meltdown, son#2 quickly took a lady in the next booth's bun off her sandwich and scared her half-to-death. Luckily she was good-natured about it all. And about the time Toya & I started to get it under control, Hubby comes back to say, that the automotive dept computer *says* there's a tire there to fit our car, but they can't find it.
So we packed up kiddos and took off to ANOTHER WM.
Toya again leading the parade. (And adults still having not eaten or drank much yet.) But at least we're keeping son#2's demon's at bay.
2pm-ish
It's 90 degrees by now. We get to our fourth WM, and yes they have the tire, and YES they have a McDonalds. We sent poor Toya back off into her own life to enjoy her weekend off. God bless her with something. She deserved it. Second lunch for kids! Yes, we're hobbits. While Hubby was off dealing with the car/tire issue, I got the kids eating and some very nice lady came & asked me if I needed help. She looked so concerned for me. God bless her but there was nothing she could do at this stage unless she had a bag full of money and big ol' chill pill for mama bear!
We walked around in that WM for 2 hrs. Son#2 was over-stimulated and finding strange things like ladders he'd take down that tickled his fancy and the other two with giant cases of the "Gimme's".
I think we spent the majority of our time on the fan aisle. It was the warmest WM I've been inside in awhile. Of course.
(Oh and a big fat thank you, to the goobers that left a used Big Gulp on a shelf near the fans complete with nasty dried out, opened package of Whoppers. You made son#2's day & that hunger I was starting to feel went bye-bye. And whatever idiot boy came up with putting all the S'more makings like Hershey bars back by automotive---THANK YOU TOO! I owe ya big time. I thought that'd be a safe part of the store since the other food half was definitely off limits. But NOoooooooo! Thanks for that.)
We also realized during these trips to different Wal-Marts that our battery cables needed replaced because it's not a great connection. We lost the clock and the cigarette lighter. Which means no charger for the dvd player or phones or Tom-Tom. Of course.
4pm
We made a decision & called Camelot. We were going to take son#2 back to camp. There was no way in our mind that he'd get in a hot car, in prime Memorial Day weekend traffic and drive 2 hrs back home with us--eat, shower & go to bed--turning around and leaving the house Saturday by 8am again. It was too much. We had wasted our day & never left the city. It was so, utterly disappointing. I wanted to cry, puke and slap somebody all at once. I would never have been as sane as I was through all of it (and I'm pretty sure Hubby questions that.) if I didn't have my Prayer Warrior Chicks. They were on it. We were texting & they were lifting me up in prayer when I just didn't have the energy myself. God is good. It was such a long, hot day. It probably sounds pretty tame in comparison to the other incident, but you've never spent a day chasing after my three sons in a Wal-Mart. And I bet if I let you, you wouldn't or couldn't do it again. It was safe & air-conditioned.
4:30pm
We took son#2 back to camp. He was fine with us leaving then. I know he was so tired. He kept yawning & he's the Energizer bunny. I told Lolly when I handed back all his meds I'd been tempted to take the whole bag myself to calm me down. She laughed. I didn't.
The traffic was not nearly as bad as I thought it'd be on the way back to Tulsa, but the wind was causing some trucks trouble with keeping on the road. I was so jumpy and stressed with any bump or noise the car made. I think I drove my husband batty. (**see below**)
7pm
I am happy to say we were SAFELY home. Son#3 kept yipping happily when he saw things he recognized,that we "were back in Oklahoma!" and how we needed to take the subway the next time we go to see Carson. Hubby and I agreed it'd be smart to dig a tunnel for a train. I might do that this summer.
I wish I could tell you our story ended her. It didn't.
We ordered a pizza when we got home & seriously I can't even explain the drama. They called me back immediately asking for the address to confirm it was for delivery. It would be a 35-45 min wait. Sigh! But when it'd been an hour and I could peel myself off the couch I called back...
Me: "Where is our pizza South Broken Arrow Papa Johns?????"
PJ: "Umm well no one put delivery on it, it's been sitting here."
ME: "What's your name?"
PJ: "Drew."
Me: "Well, listen Drew. The reason I know this mess up is your fault is because you called me back to ASK me what address for delivery. SO, I'd like a newly baked HOT pizza that's free. Do you think you can do that Drew?"
PJ: /pause "Umm yeah I think we can. We will. I'll do that."
Me: "Thank you. I'll tell ya Drew, I just spent a very bad day in a city I didn't want to be stuck in ever again, and it's still a pretty bad day. I haven't eaten a bite of food all day and it's now 8pm. I want you to know I know it's not YOUR fault Drew but I'm yelling at you just the same. Okay?"
PJ: "Yeah okay. I'm sorry."
Me: "Thank you Drew. Now go make me a pizza."
For those of you who can't picture ME saying that & actually standing up for myself---you can bet your sweet bippy I DID say all that--100% true! It was NOT the day to mess with me. And this location had done this SAME thing to us the LAST time we got back from the highway incident with son#2. Of course.
9pm
Camelot called. After we left & son#2 was at dinner he got upset and had to be put in a hold. He knew he was supposed to get to go. But WE knew he'd never have made it for 2 more hrs in the car. It may not make sense to you, but I beg you not to judge that. My big mama heart wanted him home. I wanted to squeeze him & love on him all night long. But the day would have gotten worse. And we had two kids in the car besides him that were exhausted & desperate to get home too. They were sad too. Son#3 broke my heart writing me a note last night that I should never leave son#2 at camp again.
Camelot called again today. Son#2 bit a nurse & they had to pry his teeth off her arm. He's mad. Not the usual staff--holiday weekend. And he's not at home. He knows. I know. My heart isn't singing anymore. It's sad. Very sad. I know I've written a lot & you wanna stop reading. I know I've said this before, but it warrants repeating.
Autism can warrant pity or garner sympathy or even support. But it's not pretty day in and day out. It's the screaming child at the supermarket/McDonalds, that didn't get their way or you didn't do it the same way for. It's the child no one understands or who people stare at or find uncomfortable to be around. And difficult to even like all the time. Some people feel uncomfortable with what they can't fix. They may like you, but they just don't understand. However, it is what it is. And knowledge is power which is why I let you in on all the ins/outs sometimes. It sure isn't because I like typing it all out to relive it. Knowledge can change behavior and that excites me. I don't feel I can change the world but I can help change mine. Sometimes.
**For you church people I kept thinking of the song about "The winds and the waves shall obey Thy will, peace be still, peace be still. Whether the wrath of the storm tossed sea or demons or men or whatever it be, no water can swallow the ship where lies the Master of ocean and earth and sky. They all shall sweetly obey Thy will, peace be still, peace be still. They all shall sweetly obey Thy will, peace, peace be still."
Monday, April 30, 2012
New Med Trial
I wanted to give you all a little update on son#2's latest issues at "camp".
Since the incident on the highway with son#2, Hubby and I have discussed what we think we need to see in son#2 before he comes home to us.
He has to be able to control those impulses to harm himself & others when he gets upset, doesn't get his way or gets uncomfortable.(Too hot, hungry or diaper issues.)
He's been on his "good med" since 2006. Unfortunately the main side effect is it causes him to be thinking of food continually. Which leads to weight issues. With him having lost so much weight at camp, we felt that was a good sign it was controllable.
However, the inability to control his other impulses when he doesn't get his way, isn't healthy for him or anyone else around him. And the "good med" doesn't seem to be able to curb all of those. So Hubby & I decided to talk to his therapist about trying something new to take the place of the "good med" while he is in a controlled environment like camp. In the past we've been able to see within one day if a pill/med would work or not for him. But this time the doctor didn't wean him off the "good med", she just jumped in cold turkey off one, and onto the "bad med" starting little by little increasing it's dose.
There has been no change in his behavior for the good. It's all been steps backwards and if anything has caused more damage in progress. He is taking his clothes off again, the holds were more frequent & for longer periods of time. And the first three days he barely slept at all. I was ready to abandon ship last Sunday night when during a hold son#2 banged his head on the floor and split open his eyebrow area. Of course he wouldn't allow them to apply pressure to stop the bleeding. But once he calmed down & went to sleep, the nurses could see it didn't need stitches. That incident just set the tone of the entire week. It's been one phone call after another; every day bringing more phone calls & worse incidents involving his anger and aggression. One of the hardest weeks during his 8 months away for me. (That's right folks, it's been 8 months!)
We went to see him on this Saturday the 28th, and he was so happy to see us. He smiled, laughed and held tight to me. He walked us around the courtyard lap after lap, holding on to my hand or arm. And sometimes just smiling & jabbering up a storm. It was so great to see him happy. He even let us redirect him verbally when he veered off course or tried to duck into the cafeteria early. But because of his behavior that week he lost the privilege of going on a pass with us. As we left, the director stopped us for a brief chat. During that time, I guess son#2 got upset with us leaving after lunch & he was in another 20 min hold. Later that night they called to tell us he had shattered a window in his bedroom with his head. He was actually fine, but the window had to be repaired Sunday. We've had an average Fri/Sat/Sun of four phone calls a day/night.
This morning they called a little before 9am to tell me that he had been in a hold at 1am and again that morning after he woke up. BUT, the saving grace is this morning the doctor is taking him completely off of the "bad med" and putting him back on the "good med"!! Thank God!
What I believe has happened on this "bad med" is a placebo effect. It's as if he has had no medicine in his system at all. As the reserve of the "good med" has leeched out of his body, we're left with the behaviors we've seen when we've taken him off all meds once or twice in the past. Carson Raw. And it ain't pretty people. Autism can be an ugly beast when it's in the buff.
It's difficult as a mommy in those situations to be far away from your children. Especially when they can't speak for themselves. Part of the conversation we had with the director Saturday was about the continued bumps to the head in the same spot. Which in other kids with the same issues as son#2, has gone on to cause a seizure disorder. So it's important we get the aggression under control, especially since the obvious end result we want to see is him home with us. It's been a tough 10 days but I'm happy and so very relieved to think we're over this hill. I got another call this afternoon that son#2 was in a hold, but the "good med" should start building up in his system soon and hopefully with that will come less and less meltdowns. I thank God & hope that we are on our way down the other side of that hill. Prayers are welcome & appreciated.
Since the incident on the highway with son#2, Hubby and I have discussed what we think we need to see in son#2 before he comes home to us.
He has to be able to control those impulses to harm himself & others when he gets upset, doesn't get his way or gets uncomfortable.(Too hot, hungry or diaper issues.)
He's been on his "good med" since 2006. Unfortunately the main side effect is it causes him to be thinking of food continually. Which leads to weight issues. With him having lost so much weight at camp, we felt that was a good sign it was controllable.
However, the inability to control his other impulses when he doesn't get his way, isn't healthy for him or anyone else around him. And the "good med" doesn't seem to be able to curb all of those. So Hubby & I decided to talk to his therapist about trying something new to take the place of the "good med" while he is in a controlled environment like camp. In the past we've been able to see within one day if a pill/med would work or not for him. But this time the doctor didn't wean him off the "good med", she just jumped in cold turkey off one, and onto the "bad med" starting little by little increasing it's dose.
There has been no change in his behavior for the good. It's all been steps backwards and if anything has caused more damage in progress. He is taking his clothes off again, the holds were more frequent & for longer periods of time. And the first three days he barely slept at all. I was ready to abandon ship last Sunday night when during a hold son#2 banged his head on the floor and split open his eyebrow area. Of course he wouldn't allow them to apply pressure to stop the bleeding. But once he calmed down & went to sleep, the nurses could see it didn't need stitches. That incident just set the tone of the entire week. It's been one phone call after another; every day bringing more phone calls & worse incidents involving his anger and aggression. One of the hardest weeks during his 8 months away for me. (That's right folks, it's been 8 months!)
We went to see him on this Saturday the 28th, and he was so happy to see us. He smiled, laughed and held tight to me. He walked us around the courtyard lap after lap, holding on to my hand or arm. And sometimes just smiling & jabbering up a storm. It was so great to see him happy. He even let us redirect him verbally when he veered off course or tried to duck into the cafeteria early. But because of his behavior that week he lost the privilege of going on a pass with us. As we left, the director stopped us for a brief chat. During that time, I guess son#2 got upset with us leaving after lunch & he was in another 20 min hold. Later that night they called to tell us he had shattered a window in his bedroom with his head. He was actually fine, but the window had to be repaired Sunday. We've had an average Fri/Sat/Sun of four phone calls a day/night.
This morning they called a little before 9am to tell me that he had been in a hold at 1am and again that morning after he woke up. BUT, the saving grace is this morning the doctor is taking him completely off of the "bad med" and putting him back on the "good med"!! Thank God!
What I believe has happened on this "bad med" is a placebo effect. It's as if he has had no medicine in his system at all. As the reserve of the "good med" has leeched out of his body, we're left with the behaviors we've seen when we've taken him off all meds once or twice in the past. Carson Raw. And it ain't pretty people. Autism can be an ugly beast when it's in the buff.
It's difficult as a mommy in those situations to be far away from your children. Especially when they can't speak for themselves. Part of the conversation we had with the director Saturday was about the continued bumps to the head in the same spot. Which in other kids with the same issues as son#2, has gone on to cause a seizure disorder. So it's important we get the aggression under control, especially since the obvious end result we want to see is him home with us. It's been a tough 10 days but I'm happy and so very relieved to think we're over this hill. I got another call this afternoon that son#2 was in a hold, but the "good med" should start building up in his system soon and hopefully with that will come less and less meltdowns. I thank God & hope that we are on our way down the other side of that hill. Prayers are welcome & appreciated.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Happy Mother's Day...Early
I've wanted to write this post for a long time now. I've been sitting on it, mulling it over and trying to find just the write words to convey the picture I wanted to share.
Today seemed right because a very sweet family we know, is in San Diego today with their 5 yr old son, who is getting a pacemaker put in. Gavin is strong and his mama is even stronger.
Another child in our church got to come home from the hospital where he's been for months in Ohio. It was so sweet to see him with his whole family Easter Sunday. Gage is strong and Kris is even stronger.
When it was time for us to make the decision to let son#2 go away to "camp" and get help, everyone asked me how I could handle such a thing. All I know, is that God's good. Good enough to help me when I surely couldn't help myself.
When I went to the Bible to look for an example of my inner turmoil, I saw God's sacrifice of His son on the cross, I saw Job and his suffering of loosing his wife & children. Surely my own situation could not compare to the gravity of those specific examples. My child wasn't going to die, but it sure felt like I might. Then one day while talking to a family member, the realization hit me like a ton of bricks.
SARAH.
Have you ever noticed or thought about Genesis chapter 22 where God calls Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, how we don't hear one peep from Sarah, the mother? I feel relatively sure one of two things occurred in their little tent home that day. Either Abraham took Isaac with him and did not tell Sarah what God had asked him to do, OR Abraham and Sarah had some words.
I would think, that should the later be the case, there would be a few more chapters in Genesis if God felt that was helpful to us, but it's not in there. I double checked.
God asks the FATHER, to take Isaac and use him as a sacrifice. Kill him. And the next morning Abraham sets out with his son. So that means Abraham had to sleep on it. (And possibly talk to his wife about it.) Assuming he could sleep.
It took THREE days to reach the location to be used for sacrifice. That's a lot of thinking time. As most of us know, the story goes along that God stops Abraham from sacrificing his only son. Not ONCE is Sarah mentioned in the story or the 22nd chapter of Genesis.
What about this, what if Sarah knew what Abraham was doing? What God had asked him to do with Isaac. What if she had peace, faith and trust? That she just knew God would take care of her son. She was human. There had to still be tears and turmoil over all of that. Sarah waited SO long to have a baby--to give him up? Second guessing--"Did Abraham hear God right? He is getting older. They say the hearings the first thing to go..."
Mary the mother of Jesus had quite a job requirement--Mother to the Messiah, virgin mother, let him go to the temple and be with his Father, when I bet all she wanted was to hold him close and keep him with her. Fast forward, and she was at the foot of the cross, watching her son suffer a horrible death at the hands of others. Was this what God chose her for? To watch her child suffer? Why would God think she could do this?
Maybe He chose Mary & Sarah--and other countless strong moms like Elizabeth and Hannah and women I know today--because they had tremendous FAITH. He had a hard job that needed to be done, and he knew man usually likes to think they can do everything on their own, but these women, THESE WOMEN, would turn humbly to God. They'd seek him in prayer, thanksgiving, question AND doubt. And they would give Him, the glory and adoration.
Amazing! As a Christian we strive to be as Christ-like as we can. Far, far from perfect, we just don't make him proud some days. I cannot get over what a privilege and a blessing for a woman's faith to be picked to handle such extraordinary things! I'm humbled by Faith, Kris, Kim and countless other moms I watch and know. That God saw to it, that your spirit was so specially made for this difficult job. A job that sometimes makes you feel alone, angry, confused, worried and thrilled beyond any measure--usually all in one day. Being a mom is certainly not the most important job in the world, and it is not everyone's cup of tea. It doesn't make us better than any other woman and it doesn't make us less. But even God felt Christ would need a mother for his stay here on earth.
Today seemed right because a very sweet family we know, is in San Diego today with their 5 yr old son, who is getting a pacemaker put in. Gavin is strong and his mama is even stronger.
Another child in our church got to come home from the hospital where he's been for months in Ohio. It was so sweet to see him with his whole family Easter Sunday. Gage is strong and Kris is even stronger.
When it was time for us to make the decision to let son#2 go away to "camp" and get help, everyone asked me how I could handle such a thing. All I know, is that God's good. Good enough to help me when I surely couldn't help myself.
When I went to the Bible to look for an example of my inner turmoil, I saw God's sacrifice of His son on the cross, I saw Job and his suffering of loosing his wife & children. Surely my own situation could not compare to the gravity of those specific examples. My child wasn't going to die, but it sure felt like I might. Then one day while talking to a family member, the realization hit me like a ton of bricks.
SARAH.
Have you ever noticed or thought about Genesis chapter 22 where God calls Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, how we don't hear one peep from Sarah, the mother? I feel relatively sure one of two things occurred in their little tent home that day. Either Abraham took Isaac with him and did not tell Sarah what God had asked him to do, OR Abraham and Sarah had some words.
I would think, that should the later be the case, there would be a few more chapters in Genesis if God felt that was helpful to us, but it's not in there. I double checked.
God asks the FATHER, to take Isaac and use him as a sacrifice. Kill him. And the next morning Abraham sets out with his son. So that means Abraham had to sleep on it. (And possibly talk to his wife about it.) Assuming he could sleep.
It took THREE days to reach the location to be used for sacrifice. That's a lot of thinking time. As most of us know, the story goes along that God stops Abraham from sacrificing his only son. Not ONCE is Sarah mentioned in the story or the 22nd chapter of Genesis.
What about this, what if Sarah knew what Abraham was doing? What God had asked him to do with Isaac. What if she had peace, faith and trust? That she just knew God would take care of her son. She was human. There had to still be tears and turmoil over all of that. Sarah waited SO long to have a baby--to give him up? Second guessing--"Did Abraham hear God right? He is getting older. They say the hearings the first thing to go..."
Mary the mother of Jesus had quite a job requirement--Mother to the Messiah, virgin mother, let him go to the temple and be with his Father, when I bet all she wanted was to hold him close and keep him with her. Fast forward, and she was at the foot of the cross, watching her son suffer a horrible death at the hands of others. Was this what God chose her for? To watch her child suffer? Why would God think she could do this?
Maybe He chose Mary & Sarah--and other countless strong moms like Elizabeth and Hannah and women I know today--because they had tremendous FAITH. He had a hard job that needed to be done, and he knew man usually likes to think they can do everything on their own, but these women, THESE WOMEN, would turn humbly to God. They'd seek him in prayer, thanksgiving, question AND doubt. And they would give Him, the glory and adoration.
Amazing! As a Christian we strive to be as Christ-like as we can. Far, far from perfect, we just don't make him proud some days. I cannot get over what a privilege and a blessing for a woman's faith to be picked to handle such extraordinary things! I'm humbled by Faith, Kris, Kim and countless other moms I watch and know. That God saw to it, that your spirit was so specially made for this difficult job. A job that sometimes makes you feel alone, angry, confused, worried and thrilled beyond any measure--usually all in one day. Being a mom is certainly not the most important job in the world, and it is not everyone's cup of tea. It doesn't make us better than any other woman and it doesn't make us less. But even God felt Christ would need a mother for his stay here on earth.
Monday, April 02, 2012
Weekend Visit
Well, our time with son#2 had many ups and downs. I don't regret it--I had my chickie in the nest for 23 hrs.
He was so happy to be going with us Friday. Unfortunately we could not find his seat belt lock, so he was a bit uncontainable in the backseat. But he smiled all the way home. Until about 15 minutes before our exit, when he proceeded to take off his wet diaper and disrobe entirely. Naked as a Jaybird as my mom would say.
Makes you wanna laugh I'm sure, thinking of us maneuvering through the traffic and backstreets of our town trying to keep people in SUV's and semi's from peering down into our mobile nudist colony. It was rather stressful though. And there was poo involved. Not too much, but even a little, is plenty.
My friend Joanie, who was at the house when the other two kids got off the bus, was very helpful in having a blanket ready to throw around son#2 and bring him inside. She had the shower going and wipes at the ready. I have loving and generous friends (Kim, Candice, & Elizabeth) who brought over tons of food for us for the weekend and were key in helping the weekend flow as smooth as it could. Thank you God I wasn't too proud to turn down their idea of meals to help out. Son#2 looooooves, I mean LOVES him some food, so this was an integral part of his enjoyment. And we had some pizza, salad ready for son#2 as soon as his shower was done. He was a happy camper until we tried to make him sit on the potty later & he ran me down the hallway just like a tackling dummy. Loosing 25lbs and 6 points on his BMI, just means he's a lean, mean, muscle machine.
The brothers enjoyed watching the movie "UP" with all of us and son#2 in our bed. He smiled, chattered and laughed all evening long. And we were so grateful he kept ALL his clothes on (except his socks/shoes) the whole weekend! And at bedtime he was a good little boy and stayed in bed laughing and chatting for an hour before falling asleep and sleeping in later than anyone else the next morning. A full nights sleep is never to be taken for granted at our house.
I had worked out I needed to go pick up some MORE shorts for son#2 to take back with him. He gone from XL shirts to M. And his shorts from XL to S! It's costing us an arm and a leg, but I sure can't complain--in fact I wish I had this problem myself! After rushing to two different Wal-Marts and labeling all the clothes, the other two boys went to spend the day (a much longer day than we originally thought) with our friend Melodie and her kiddos.
Son#2 did great on the ride back to camp. He watched some of his favorite videos of Veggie Tales and Elmo's World. And we had smartly packed a lunch of sandwiches & chips on the trip with some juice for him. He ate & was quite happy. Until we merged off of the turnpike onto I-35 heading south and we were 5 minutes from camp and a quarter of a mile from our exit. Our car felt like it hit a bump and we lost acceleration. Our car had power but we had to coast to the side of the interstate. And where we were, all that was available was a guardrail, not even a shoulder of the road. I immediately called for a tow truck, and then called Camelot to tell them we'd be late checking son#2 back in. I asked since we were 5 minutes away and it was about to get hot with no a/c, if they'd come get our son to keep him from being so uncomfortable. They refused, saying we had checked him out and needed to check him back in. I then called highway patrol for a trooper. I also called a cousin who lives in Norman thinking maybe he could come over & give me a ride with son#2 but he said it'd take him 40 mins but he'd head our way. Poor guy, I had to call him back (ever so slightly hysterical) and let him know the trooper was on his way. (Thanks for being a good sport Ryan & rolling with the punches--it'll make you a great dad.)
Son#2 was DONE. He had peed his diaper, he was hot and he immediately disrobed. Cars and semi's were coming so close there was no getting out of the car. This was gonna get ugly FAST. Son#2 had already started to scratch at Hubby who was sitting directly in front of him. When the trooper arrived he angled his car so we wouldn't get creamed getting out of our car & I filled him in on the situation. I asked him to please take son#2 and I down the road to camp--PRONTO. He suggested we forgo any other clothes and just try shorts. I agreed and squeezed out my side and hopped in the backseat to wrestle some clothes on our 11 year old nudist.
That didn't go so well. I stepped in gum, he kicked me into the guardrail or car door, I don't know which, but one of my butt cheeks feels like a donkey kicked me, so I landed somewhere pronounced. Then he went on the defense and started grabbing any flesh he could to pinch, scratch and fight. He grabbed my underarm flab and pinched a huge portion. And bit me on the same arm on the back of it just under my shoulder. He wasn't getting dressed without a fight and he HATES to be held down. All because he was hot. He almost pushed the trooper out into traffic and so he called for backup.
Unfortunately, that brought TEN state trooper cars, two OKC motorcycle cops, and a firetruck. Needless to say, one whole lane of traffic was blocked off on I-35 southbound. I was so worried they would hurt him & I had to keep making it known that he was 11 years old and couldn't talk! (People really never do take us seriously when we say how strong son#2 is.) They needed the TEN TROOPERS to take turns when one wore themselves out. After about 45 minutes they were able to literally hog-tie him with handcuffs on his hands and feet on his stomach in the back of a troopers car. They kept asking me if he'd been bitten by a dog, or if he was on any drugs. It was HORRIFIC to watch all this. There is no better word to describe it all. In the middle of all of this, the tow truck came for our car and their Lieutenant came in plain clothes to survey the situation and introduced himself.
I saw a news crew on the opposite side of the highway going slow & eventually making it's way across a huge grass median to us. I asked the troopers if they could please make them go away. I even told them it was fine with me if they used their guns. I saw the news crew leave and circle back around behind the long line of cop cars and then one of them got out & kept motioning me to come talk to him. I ignored him but after Hubby was done getting the car/tow truck taken care of, the reporter started on him. Poor Hubby, he thought it was a plain clothes policeman. In my husband's words, I FLEW over there after he had only 5 words out of his mouth. I yelled at him, "DON'T TALK TO HIM!" I stuck my finger in this 6'2 reporters chest & started screaming at the top of my lungs and he backed away & left. I remember saying something about did he have kids, this was none of his business, and if he knew what was good for him he better back it up. Hubby says I went from zero to 60. Mama Bear. I find it interesting the police never tried to help the guy.
After the ambulance came to bring a board to transport son#2 to the hospital, he had calmed down. The troopers mistakenly thought the ambulance could/would sedate him. They won't. I knew that from past experience. The ambulance then blocked off the other lane of the highway so our side was completely at a standstill. They got some information and then took son#2 to OU Children's ER. I called Camelot AGAIN, they again, refusing to come get him from there as well. I had by this point found a friend who would meet me at Camelot and Hubby could ride with the ambulance. Then I see another news crew that took up shop in the grassy median and started filming me getting into the trooper car. So if you saw me on the OKC news, I pray they blurred out my face.
Once son#2 got some water, and they uncuffed him at the hospital, he was fine. They still had him in the database from being there a few weeks before when he drank the rubbing alcohol. He ate two Popsicles, I showed up (A HUGE thank you to Hannah!!) with his clothes and off we went back to check him back into camp. Sweet as can be! I wasn't pleased with the treatment and unsympathetic answers I got from camp when I called.
And today I called and let Lolly the therapist know everything. She's gonna call me back later this week. I told her customer service was very unsatisfactory. I did not create the situation, and I thought they were there to be a support to son#2 and us. And to have them practically disavow any knowledge of us, was distressing and made the situation which was bad, ten times worse. I think she got my point.
A lovely, kind friend, who had already given her time the night before when we brought son#2 home, gave us more time & her gasoline, to come get us and bring Hubby & I back home Saturday night. What a very long, no good, very bad terrible day. But because God is good, it was saved from being a total loss. We had great, wonderful friends rescuing us, listening to me hysterically rant & rave and keeping the rest of our clan safe & none the wiser. Funny enough, the evening before on our drive home with son#2, we had discussed if we won the mega million lottery, what all we'd do with the money and who all we'd help in the name of God and Autism. God has such a sense of humor because we ended up not winning (I know you're shocked.) so instead of helping others, we humbly had to take, help from others. Many others. As my friend says, "It takes a village."
Hubby & I have a our battle scars. His neck looks like some cool, red tattoo of Chinese symbols. And my arms, well both sons #1/#3 keep asking if I got tattoos. Ironically, Doctor M at camp, had mentioned Friday, because son#2 didn't seem to show any progress at potty training, that maybe her work was at an end with him. Heads up lady, you can ride in the backseat the next two hour trip we take and see if maybe you find some issues you think you might be able to work on with him. Sound fair?
He was so happy to be going with us Friday. Unfortunately we could not find his seat belt lock, so he was a bit uncontainable in the backseat. But he smiled all the way home. Until about 15 minutes before our exit, when he proceeded to take off his wet diaper and disrobe entirely. Naked as a Jaybird as my mom would say.
Makes you wanna laugh I'm sure, thinking of us maneuvering through the traffic and backstreets of our town trying to keep people in SUV's and semi's from peering down into our mobile nudist colony. It was rather stressful though. And there was poo involved. Not too much, but even a little, is plenty.
My friend Joanie, who was at the house when the other two kids got off the bus, was very helpful in having a blanket ready to throw around son#2 and bring him inside. She had the shower going and wipes at the ready. I have loving and generous friends (Kim, Candice, & Elizabeth) who brought over tons of food for us for the weekend and were key in helping the weekend flow as smooth as it could. Thank you God I wasn't too proud to turn down their idea of meals to help out. Son#2 looooooves, I mean LOVES him some food, so this was an integral part of his enjoyment. And we had some pizza, salad ready for son#2 as soon as his shower was done. He was a happy camper until we tried to make him sit on the potty later & he ran me down the hallway just like a tackling dummy. Loosing 25lbs and 6 points on his BMI, just means he's a lean, mean, muscle machine.
The brothers enjoyed watching the movie "UP" with all of us and son#2 in our bed. He smiled, chattered and laughed all evening long. And we were so grateful he kept ALL his clothes on (except his socks/shoes) the whole weekend! And at bedtime he was a good little boy and stayed in bed laughing and chatting for an hour before falling asleep and sleeping in later than anyone else the next morning. A full nights sleep is never to be taken for granted at our house.
I had worked out I needed to go pick up some MORE shorts for son#2 to take back with him. He gone from XL shirts to M. And his shorts from XL to S! It's costing us an arm and a leg, but I sure can't complain--in fact I wish I had this problem myself! After rushing to two different Wal-Marts and labeling all the clothes, the other two boys went to spend the day (a much longer day than we originally thought) with our friend Melodie and her kiddos.
Son#2 did great on the ride back to camp. He watched some of his favorite videos of Veggie Tales and Elmo's World. And we had smartly packed a lunch of sandwiches & chips on the trip with some juice for him. He ate & was quite happy. Until we merged off of the turnpike onto I-35 heading south and we were 5 minutes from camp and a quarter of a mile from our exit. Our car felt like it hit a bump and we lost acceleration. Our car had power but we had to coast to the side of the interstate. And where we were, all that was available was a guardrail, not even a shoulder of the road. I immediately called for a tow truck, and then called Camelot to tell them we'd be late checking son#2 back in. I asked since we were 5 minutes away and it was about to get hot with no a/c, if they'd come get our son to keep him from being so uncomfortable. They refused, saying we had checked him out and needed to check him back in. I then called highway patrol for a trooper. I also called a cousin who lives in Norman thinking maybe he could come over & give me a ride with son#2 but he said it'd take him 40 mins but he'd head our way. Poor guy, I had to call him back (ever so slightly hysterical) and let him know the trooper was on his way. (Thanks for being a good sport Ryan & rolling with the punches--it'll make you a great dad.)
Son#2 was DONE. He had peed his diaper, he was hot and he immediately disrobed. Cars and semi's were coming so close there was no getting out of the car. This was gonna get ugly FAST. Son#2 had already started to scratch at Hubby who was sitting directly in front of him. When the trooper arrived he angled his car so we wouldn't get creamed getting out of our car & I filled him in on the situation. I asked him to please take son#2 and I down the road to camp--PRONTO. He suggested we forgo any other clothes and just try shorts. I agreed and squeezed out my side and hopped in the backseat to wrestle some clothes on our 11 year old nudist.
That didn't go so well. I stepped in gum, he kicked me into the guardrail or car door, I don't know which, but one of my butt cheeks feels like a donkey kicked me, so I landed somewhere pronounced. Then he went on the defense and started grabbing any flesh he could to pinch, scratch and fight. He grabbed my underarm flab and pinched a huge portion. And bit me on the same arm on the back of it just under my shoulder. He wasn't getting dressed without a fight and he HATES to be held down. All because he was hot. He almost pushed the trooper out into traffic and so he called for backup.
Unfortunately, that brought TEN state trooper cars, two OKC motorcycle cops, and a firetruck. Needless to say, one whole lane of traffic was blocked off on I-35 southbound. I was so worried they would hurt him & I had to keep making it known that he was 11 years old and couldn't talk! (People really never do take us seriously when we say how strong son#2 is.) They needed the TEN TROOPERS to take turns when one wore themselves out. After about 45 minutes they were able to literally hog-tie him with handcuffs on his hands and feet on his stomach in the back of a troopers car. They kept asking me if he'd been bitten by a dog, or if he was on any drugs. It was HORRIFIC to watch all this. There is no better word to describe it all. In the middle of all of this, the tow truck came for our car and their Lieutenant came in plain clothes to survey the situation and introduced himself.
I saw a news crew on the opposite side of the highway going slow & eventually making it's way across a huge grass median to us. I asked the troopers if they could please make them go away. I even told them it was fine with me if they used their guns. I saw the news crew leave and circle back around behind the long line of cop cars and then one of them got out & kept motioning me to come talk to him. I ignored him but after Hubby was done getting the car/tow truck taken care of, the reporter started on him. Poor Hubby, he thought it was a plain clothes policeman. In my husband's words, I FLEW over there after he had only 5 words out of his mouth. I yelled at him, "DON'T TALK TO HIM!" I stuck my finger in this 6'2 reporters chest & started screaming at the top of my lungs and he backed away & left. I remember saying something about did he have kids, this was none of his business, and if he knew what was good for him he better back it up. Hubby says I went from zero to 60. Mama Bear. I find it interesting the police never tried to help the guy.
After the ambulance came to bring a board to transport son#2 to the hospital, he had calmed down. The troopers mistakenly thought the ambulance could/would sedate him. They won't. I knew that from past experience. The ambulance then blocked off the other lane of the highway so our side was completely at a standstill. They got some information and then took son#2 to OU Children's ER. I called Camelot AGAIN, they again, refusing to come get him from there as well. I had by this point found a friend who would meet me at Camelot and Hubby could ride with the ambulance. Then I see another news crew that took up shop in the grassy median and started filming me getting into the trooper car. So if you saw me on the OKC news, I pray they blurred out my face.
Once son#2 got some water, and they uncuffed him at the hospital, he was fine. They still had him in the database from being there a few weeks before when he drank the rubbing alcohol. He ate two Popsicles, I showed up (A HUGE thank you to Hannah!!) with his clothes and off we went back to check him back into camp. Sweet as can be! I wasn't pleased with the treatment and unsympathetic answers I got from camp when I called.
And today I called and let Lolly the therapist know everything. She's gonna call me back later this week. I told her customer service was very unsatisfactory. I did not create the situation, and I thought they were there to be a support to son#2 and us. And to have them practically disavow any knowledge of us, was distressing and made the situation which was bad, ten times worse. I think she got my point.
A lovely, kind friend, who had already given her time the night before when we brought son#2 home, gave us more time & her gasoline, to come get us and bring Hubby & I back home Saturday night. What a very long, no good, very bad terrible day. But because God is good, it was saved from being a total loss. We had great, wonderful friends rescuing us, listening to me hysterically rant & rave and keeping the rest of our clan safe & none the wiser. Funny enough, the evening before on our drive home with son#2, we had discussed if we won the mega million lottery, what all we'd do with the money and who all we'd help in the name of God and Autism. God has such a sense of humor because we ended up not winning (I know you're shocked.) so instead of helping others, we humbly had to take, help from others. Many others. As my friend says, "It takes a village."
Hubby & I have a our battle scars. His neck looks like some cool, red tattoo of Chinese symbols. And my arms, well both sons #1/#3 keep asking if I got tattoos. Ironically, Doctor M at camp, had mentioned Friday, because son#2 didn't seem to show any progress at potty training, that maybe her work was at an end with him. Heads up lady, you can ride in the backseat the next two hour trip we take and see if maybe you find some issues you think you might be able to work on with him. Sound fair?
Monday, March 26, 2012
Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jig
January was my last blog? Wow, has it been that long really?
I've been so busy trying to make the most of my time during the days.
This type of day where I'm alone during most of the daytime hours, is something I'm just starting to feel comfortable with & see as my new normal.
This has been a better time for son#2 at Camelot since after Christmas. He's making some progress and other areas the progress didn't go as we planned so we cut some goals down to a more manageable size.
We have little update from the bruising investigation. It *is* over. But the day after the lady turned in her report, she resigned.
Lolly doesn't see that as anything too telling, just that it's such a difficult job. It's one thing to hear about things or know what happens or can happen to children. It's an entirely different matter to see it day in and day out.
I'm hoping that the report has now made it's way to the head of Camelot and that we can discuss that in our therapy session this Friday.
Our passes with son#2 have jumped from 2 hrs/4hrs and then 6 hrs one Saturday at the zoo with all the kiddos. Which other than a memorable trip to the women's restroom, went wonderfully! And now we have him for 23--TWENTY-THREE HOURS--this Friday. We have therapy from 1-2pm. Then once we get his meds & check him out, we will have a two hour drive back home. (4hrs total) Then to have him back the next day, it's another 4 hr trip. 8 hrs of driving in 23 hrs for us. With these gas prices, we may need some prayers and to pick up a money tree at Lowes on the way home!
I've known for a couple of weeks now that son#2 was coming for this visit. I'll be honest, I was SO stressed out thinking about it at first.
He's so used to his schedule at "camp". And he does, no lie, a minimum of 35 fit laps a day. What if I mess up his new meds? What if he needs to be put in a hold while he's here?
What if he slips back into his bad habits the minute he walks in the door?
We've adjusted to the house NOT being Fort Knox in the past six months, we can relax & not worry. To return to that...
Maybe this will explain it better, we have lived at a heightened state of alert with son#2 at all times over the past 6 yrs.
We called it Defcon 4. Anything bigger was pretty deep doo-doo. (No pun intended.)
So maybe you can understand, when son#2 was here one day, and gone the next, how strange it was. What an adaption to go from Defcon 4 to zero. Such a loss, like a death. What do you do with yourself when you don't have to focus so much energy on that one person 24/7?
It's rather like gaining weight as you age. You don't gain an extra 40 lbs in one day or one week. Gradually day by day, you add on to your base number, until one day you realize when you look in the mirror it's gotten to a not-so-great place.
The same goes with Autism. Our "normal" and our children, are all we know. I didn't raise anyone's kids but my own. (Thank the kind Lord!) So my life went gradually to a place where most of the time my house is locked down like Fort Knox. You may think that's a cute exaggeration but not two weeks ago, son#2 was having his nightly phone call with us, when someone had left out a bottle of rubbing alcohol in the office and he drank it.
After hours of worry & prayers from my Merry Band of PW's (Prayer Warriors) and a kind ER doctor/husband of a friend, we knew son#2 was okay even before he got home from the ER at 2am.
Now, I'm over the stress of son#2 coming home....we're literally get a chain/padlock for the fridge. Life will go on. It's 23 hrs---we're going to enjoy it, and be that exhausted happy at the end of it. I plan to drink in every second of it.
All the "what-if's" be damned. We'll go to this high, and then when he's gone back to "camp", we'll go to a low for awhile. Unfortunately, that's life. It ebbs and flows, peaks and dips. Ours is NOT the only one. I know parents who are doing heroic things like dealing with physical issues their children daily.
But he's my baby and this Friday by dinner time, all my chickies will be in the nest. I'll survive, he'll live and we'll enjoy as much as we can out of the entire thing. It won't be easy, but no great thing ever is right? Just think about planning a wedding...
I've been so busy trying to make the most of my time during the days.
This type of day where I'm alone during most of the daytime hours, is something I'm just starting to feel comfortable with & see as my new normal.
This has been a better time for son#2 at Camelot since after Christmas. He's making some progress and other areas the progress didn't go as we planned so we cut some goals down to a more manageable size.
We have little update from the bruising investigation. It *is* over. But the day after the lady turned in her report, she resigned.
Lolly doesn't see that as anything too telling, just that it's such a difficult job. It's one thing to hear about things or know what happens or can happen to children. It's an entirely different matter to see it day in and day out.
I'm hoping that the report has now made it's way to the head of Camelot and that we can discuss that in our therapy session this Friday.
Our passes with son#2 have jumped from 2 hrs/4hrs and then 6 hrs one Saturday at the zoo with all the kiddos. Which other than a memorable trip to the women's restroom, went wonderfully! And now we have him for 23--TWENTY-THREE HOURS--this Friday. We have therapy from 1-2pm. Then once we get his meds & check him out, we will have a two hour drive back home. (4hrs total) Then to have him back the next day, it's another 4 hr trip. 8 hrs of driving in 23 hrs for us. With these gas prices, we may need some prayers and to pick up a money tree at Lowes on the way home!
I've known for a couple of weeks now that son#2 was coming for this visit. I'll be honest, I was SO stressed out thinking about it at first.
He's so used to his schedule at "camp". And he does, no lie, a minimum of 35 fit laps a day. What if I mess up his new meds? What if he needs to be put in a hold while he's here?
What if he slips back into his bad habits the minute he walks in the door?
We've adjusted to the house NOT being Fort Knox in the past six months, we can relax & not worry. To return to that...
Maybe this will explain it better, we have lived at a heightened state of alert with son#2 at all times over the past 6 yrs.
We called it Defcon 4. Anything bigger was pretty deep doo-doo. (No pun intended.)
So maybe you can understand, when son#2 was here one day, and gone the next, how strange it was. What an adaption to go from Defcon 4 to zero. Such a loss, like a death. What do you do with yourself when you don't have to focus so much energy on that one person 24/7?
It's rather like gaining weight as you age. You don't gain an extra 40 lbs in one day or one week. Gradually day by day, you add on to your base number, until one day you realize when you look in the mirror it's gotten to a not-so-great place.
The same goes with Autism. Our "normal" and our children, are all we know. I didn't raise anyone's kids but my own. (Thank the kind Lord!) So my life went gradually to a place where most of the time my house is locked down like Fort Knox. You may think that's a cute exaggeration but not two weeks ago, son#2 was having his nightly phone call with us, when someone had left out a bottle of rubbing alcohol in the office and he drank it.
After hours of worry & prayers from my Merry Band of PW's (Prayer Warriors) and a kind ER doctor/husband of a friend, we knew son#2 was okay even before he got home from the ER at 2am.
Now, I'm over the stress of son#2 coming home....we're literally get a chain/padlock for the fridge. Life will go on. It's 23 hrs---we're going to enjoy it, and be that exhausted happy at the end of it. I plan to drink in every second of it.
All the "what-if's" be damned. We'll go to this high, and then when he's gone back to "camp", we'll go to a low for awhile. Unfortunately, that's life. It ebbs and flows, peaks and dips. Ours is NOT the only one. I know parents who are doing heroic things like dealing with physical issues their children daily.
But he's my baby and this Friday by dinner time, all my chickies will be in the nest. I'll survive, he'll live and we'll enjoy as much as we can out of the entire thing. It won't be easy, but no great thing ever is right? Just think about planning a wedding...
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Ten Things Wednesday
1. Son#2 is doing well lately. He hasn't had anymore incidents, knock on wood. And I've come to the conclusion that his bruises were more likely from a teeter totter or such thing that he probably did to himself. I think the negligence probably came from the newbie staff member not keeping an eye on him or reporting the accident that occurred. The investigation is still on-going, but I'm already assuming, most likely we will never know.what truly happened.
2. I'm thankful to feel 100% physically better now. You can handle things so much better mentally when you physically feel better & I'm sure not taking that for granted. Test results back, and I don't have rheumatoid arthritis or Lupus. I have some strange thyriditis. Hashimotos? Whatever it is, there's a medicine for all the spasms so I'm feeling quite good most days. I'll take it! So many people have much worse going on daily and I have bigger fish to fry. Onward & upward!
3. I am thankful that my weekly Bible study started back up last night & it was quite an interesting discussion about the book of Daniel, angels & the whole realm of heavenlies fighting around us, FOR us. I'm looking forward to the day I can read the book "This Present Darkness" to my boys out loud. I think I'm going to re-read it for myself now. That book was life changing in the way I looked at our lives here on earth & my spiritual connection to God. Thank you Luke Pyron for loaning me the book & introducing it to me many moons ago.
4. I am quite thankful to finally have talked to Dr. M. Son#2's doctor at Camelot. Although I have never met her in person, I can now say I've spoken to her. I do feel she is competent, however I did get the impression she's someone that isn't always listening to us "parental experts". (How could we not be? We lived with our kids 24/7 YEARS longer than they've known them!) But for now, she's listening enough. Last night they called to tell me she FINALLY got to look in his ears and one has some pink tinged drainage. So they wanted permission to start him on anti-biotic.
I'm glad they stopped thinking he was nicking his ear with a fingernail & listened to the Mama Bear that there was something really going on.
5. God keeps whispering to me that fear is from Satan. And if Satan tries to shake you with something new & it doesn't work, he'll go back to what he KNOWS works on you.
I wear two bracelets as reminders, every time I put on my watch. One says "EXPECT MIRACLES". And the other is Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD "plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
6. I have a cousin getting some help in a facility in Missouri for addiction & such issues. I'm SO pleased & very thankful for him to be accepting help & look forward to seeing his gentle, heart more present in his family's life.
7. We get to go do a therapy with son#2 this Saturday afternoon. It's because Lolly wants us to see son#2 working & behaving with Toya. It'll be a long afternoon/evening, but I'm looking forward to it. We've worked up to a 4 hour long pass now so we get to take him to eat dinner & we're going to try bowling. Wish us luck--first time to attempt that with the kiddos!
8. Ying & Yang. Sometimes I'm Ying & other days I'm Yang. What I appreciate without waver is that whatever kind of day I'm having, either Ying or Yang---my husband is having the other. As infuriating as our differences are to me at times, I do realize it's a "good thing" as Martha Stewart says. When I was so down about son#2---he picked me up. He was rational & all kinds of annoying logical male , while my heart was ruling my thoughts, he was able to be the strong one. I think it's kind of cool the way that works out.
9. Thank you God for entertainment like books, TV & movies/Netflix, games & puzzles. Without it, I'm not sure I would have been able to relax through the holidays as much as I was. It was a nice way to escape reality for a bit and try to take my mind off anything & everything.
10. And last but by far the very most important ---the thing I'm most thankful for, is all of my friends & family. Every single one from acquaintances, cyber buddies and lifers------THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. I would NEVER have made it through the holidays & the toughest times recently without all those prayers & kind thoughts from all of you. It's been a very touching thing when I get down in the dumps, to realize how many people have sent cards, emails, notes & in-person told me how much they care, wish us the best, spend their own time in prayer & just genuine love I've felt. I can't even begin to describe the kindness. I probably don't deserve it but I will take it as the gift from God it is and pray it continues!
2. I'm thankful to feel 100% physically better now. You can handle things so much better mentally when you physically feel better & I'm sure not taking that for granted. Test results back, and I don't have rheumatoid arthritis or Lupus. I have some strange thyriditis. Hashimotos? Whatever it is, there's a medicine for all the spasms so I'm feeling quite good most days. I'll take it! So many people have much worse going on daily and I have bigger fish to fry. Onward & upward!
3. I am thankful that my weekly Bible study started back up last night & it was quite an interesting discussion about the book of Daniel, angels & the whole realm of heavenlies fighting around us, FOR us. I'm looking forward to the day I can read the book "This Present Darkness" to my boys out loud. I think I'm going to re-read it for myself now. That book was life changing in the way I looked at our lives here on earth & my spiritual connection to God. Thank you Luke Pyron for loaning me the book & introducing it to me many moons ago.
4. I am quite thankful to finally have talked to Dr. M. Son#2's doctor at Camelot. Although I have never met her in person, I can now say I've spoken to her. I do feel she is competent, however I did get the impression she's someone that isn't always listening to us "parental experts". (How could we not be? We lived with our kids 24/7 YEARS longer than they've known them!) But for now, she's listening enough. Last night they called to tell me she FINALLY got to look in his ears and one has some pink tinged drainage. So they wanted permission to start him on anti-biotic.
I'm glad they stopped thinking he was nicking his ear with a fingernail & listened to the Mama Bear that there was something really going on.
5. God keeps whispering to me that fear is from Satan. And if Satan tries to shake you with something new & it doesn't work, he'll go back to what he KNOWS works on you.
I wear two bracelets as reminders, every time I put on my watch. One says "EXPECT MIRACLES". And the other is Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD "plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
6. I have a cousin getting some help in a facility in Missouri for addiction & such issues. I'm SO pleased & very thankful for him to be accepting help & look forward to seeing his gentle, heart more present in his family's life.
7. We get to go do a therapy with son#2 this Saturday afternoon. It's because Lolly wants us to see son#2 working & behaving with Toya. It'll be a long afternoon/evening, but I'm looking forward to it. We've worked up to a 4 hour long pass now so we get to take him to eat dinner & we're going to try bowling. Wish us luck--first time to attempt that with the kiddos!
8. Ying & Yang. Sometimes I'm Ying & other days I'm Yang. What I appreciate without waver is that whatever kind of day I'm having, either Ying or Yang---my husband is having the other. As infuriating as our differences are to me at times, I do realize it's a "good thing" as Martha Stewart says. When I was so down about son#2---he picked me up. He was rational & all kinds of annoying logical male , while my heart was ruling my thoughts, he was able to be the strong one. I think it's kind of cool the way that works out.
9. Thank you God for entertainment like books, TV & movies/Netflix, games & puzzles. Without it, I'm not sure I would have been able to relax through the holidays as much as I was. It was a nice way to escape reality for a bit and try to take my mind off anything & everything.
10. And last but by far the very most important ---the thing I'm most thankful for, is all of my friends & family. Every single one from acquaintances, cyber buddies and lifers------THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. I would NEVER have made it through the holidays & the toughest times recently without all those prayers & kind thoughts from all of you. It's been a very touching thing when I get down in the dumps, to realize how many people have sent cards, emails, notes & in-person told me how much they care, wish us the best, spend their own time in prayer & just genuine love I've felt. I can't even begin to describe the kindness. I probably don't deserve it but I will take it as the gift from God it is and pray it continues!
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
Good-Bye and Good Riddance 2011!
What a turbulent month December was! The usual busy of Christmas was afoot as well as three trips to OKC to see our boy.
In those four weeks we had three "holds" and TWO self-inflicted goose eggs on the middle of his forehead. One golf ball sized, the other (done to himself this Monday) tennis ball sized. It was shocking to see the golf ball one on Christmas Eve & scratches he had on his face from another child there in his unit. But apparently when we left something happened. Weekend help is not as up on the procedures or follow-thru. But weekend HOLIDAY help....I think is much less trustworthy.
When we came to visit this past Friday (30th) we were taken to a new administrator office to meet with the director and Lolly. Apparently the bruises on the tops of son#2's thighs were WAY worse than they mentioned in a phone call.
And they were unexplained. Nothing had been reported that weekend of Christmas. So the bruises were most likely inflicted either by son#2 or a roommate/staff. They just failed to report it so they were not discovered until Monday. The bruises were in an area that is difficult to conclude how it could have been accidental. It's almost as if he was was standing up and someone hit him across the front of the thighs with a 4x6 board.
There is an investigation going on right now & it was reported to a state agency that records these things. They are doing an in-house investigation & are interviewing all involved as well as having written up the workers that weekend for not reporting the incident.
Reality set in late Friday night (30th) and I was barely able to sleep. The reality is, as a mother my worst nightmare could possibly have happened. That we sent him there for help, and someone hurt him & he can't tell us. It breaks your heart.
It's taken this long for me to be able to discuss it whether in writing, out loud or mentally processing it, without crying.
It's rough to think because son#2 can't speak, we may never know what exactly happened. Or if it's a possibility to happen again. We trust the staff that is there 99% of the time. But sadly, I'm still hoping for some blood disorder or such thing. Which we're still looking into.
We're in the middle of discussing if his meds are interacting with one another & causing some extra aggression. It cannot be good for him to have several goose eggs in the same place, aka trauma to his forehead, in the matter of 6 months time.
It just can't. They do neuro checks afterwards, but still. I'm beginning to think we need to buy him an NFL quarterback helmet.
During all this I've struggled physically as well. With an infection that's just now over. And now a bad reaction to the latest antibiotics I'm taking. So needless to say I don't feel a hundred percent mentally or physically to deal with all of this.
I keep reminding myself, trust that God has a plan. While I do not doubt this for one minute, it's difficult to keep one's spirits up when you close your eyes & face the thoughts of the what-if's.
I'm slowly digging out of all this, but it's very overwhelming.
I still don't want to talk about it--too fresh. But thanks so much to you ALL for the thoughts, prayers & well wishes. We appreciate them all. A friend of mine keeps praying for a "hedge of protection" around son#2. I love that. That's all I want. Thank you to our friends and we appreciate the patience & perseverance you've had enduring this with us. He *is* making some good progress so I hope & pray 2012 is much better to our son.
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