Court

 #1--the DHS worker talked to the abuse hotline & they dropped the second/most recent case saying it was a repeat call/same arm. I was livid.

#2--She also saw Carson yesterday & his arm is much, much worse. She had pictures. He is unable to leave his sleeve down and wants to itch/pick at the area which is larger & more red.

#3--The state IS cutting contracts with facilities out of state because their budget got cut. And OK Health Care Authority, which funds Carson's living arrangements, "feel all Carson's needs are being met at Rose Rock. And he will soon meet the baseline of all we can expect from him goal wise in life. And we don't feel like sending him out of state."
Ooohhh really Oklahoma?! REALLY?! So they aren't interested in sending him to Tahlequah/People Inc. They think he is just fine where he is.

The judge was appalled at the new pictures from yesterday. We all agreed it's terribly infected. She asked if a medical doctor had looked at it--DHS worker said RR's dr had. I piped up that RR's only on site medical dr was a psychiatrist. The judge ordered we find an outside dermatologist/dr to come & look at Carson's arm. She later even thought of a Dr to scan/email the pictures too. And wants a report in the next weeks.Our attorney informed the DHS worker if she found people weren't moving, let him know & he'd draft a petition and have the judge sign it.

We discussed how Rose Rock doesn't even WANT Carson there. The judge's hands are tied & Rose Rock has Carson approved to stay until May 5--after that, we'll see if they try to discharge him. The next step seems obvious to me. I will need to make a trip to the capital & call a meeting. Those are the only people who have any power to free up funding for Carson & any kid like him who the state of Oklahoma, cannot meet their needs. The judge mentioned Chicago as the origin of Rose Rock and if it would be better--but should that become a real option, I plan to point out I cannot check on him/be available for him as I could in an adjoining state. But right now, I'm not worried about that. I'm thinking of ways to put the screws to Rose Rock. I cannot tell you how many agencies & people I run into who think that Rose Rock is fantastic.

The stupidity of this state amazes me. I mean, you haven't managed to care for my child--and you feel that's okay. That his physical needs or mental stimulation do not matter--not just to you, but at all!
 Let me just tell you where you went wrong Oklahoma. It would have been sooo much easier & soooo much cheaper you money hungry fools, if you had given me not only what I wanted & asked nicely for, but had actually proven you cared about my child's well-being. Because I can guaran-damn-tee you that now--NOW, it is going to cost you so much more to shut me up about your ineptitude, than it would have to give it to me when I asked nicely. Watch me play your game and beat you at it suckers!

Avalanche

Tomorrow we go to court once again. It's not a new experience anymore. But tomorrow feels important. The facility son#2 is in, wants him gone. And the facility son#2 is in isn't able to treat him in the way that is acceptable. He needs better care & he needs to be safe.
Court is always something I can't predict. I never know exactly what will be decided or what will be determined. I have an idea of what I'll say and maybe what subject will be discussed. That's it.

The main players will all be there as they always are. My son's attorney, my attorney, our DHS worker & of course the judge. It occurred to be this past week that they are all going about their lives as if tomorrow is an average day. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing special, and nothing that will impact their lives in any real way. Much like you who are reading this post.
But me, I've been counting months, weeks & days to get to this point. I've been making phone calls, sending emails, badgering people, leaving messages, traveling and just processing it all in my head. Working it all out for myself in my head. Plotting. Planning. And most importantly praying.
Tomorrow will indeed impact my life & my son's life. I don't know how yet, but I'm sure it will.

What I don't know is if tomorrow will be the beginning of a snowball or has the snowball been gaining momentum since January? Has it accumulated like I feel it has? Has the "snow"-- the issues I've been working on for my child, stacked up into a drift? To me it feels like the snow has all gathered on the edge of a cliff and it's waiting. It's waiting for one loud sound, a jostle, a shake--and it will all come down like an avalanche. Tomorrow feels like it could be the end of my world.
It doesn't mean it will be, but it feels like it could be.

There are several ways tomorrow could end up. I fully expect between the pictures I have of Carson's arms, and the DHS worker filing papers to move him out of the state--that we will all agree he cannot stay where he is currently living. That would be a relief to me.
But what if the state will not pay to send him to Texas? What if the state of Oklahoma sends him to Tahlequah where there's an opening in May & I'm afraid he'll be stuck until he's 18? What if he's IN Oklahoma when he turns 18 yrs old which will mean they will put him in a house with a worker to live the rest of his life alone?
My heart & mind ache from all the questions and worry I've felt the past month. It's been all consuming. Scary.

I've worked away for him, not thinking of anything else, and I've distracted myself in any way possible. Trying to keep my mind away from the "what ifs", knowing I have no real control. I'm a pawn in a game, pretending to be the queen. I'm doing my best to move the pieces and make them want to help me win. So many pieces to move. The facility in San Antonio lost their contract with Oklahoma. Will Oklahoma make a new one for Carson? Will this horrible decision of our state kicking those kids out, actually make room for my child? Is this God's plan to get Carson in there?

I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high. I'm a realist and I by nature, like to be prepared for the worst case scenario. But I can't seem to allow myself to consider it very long. It's upsetting.
It's debilitating. I have one other plan in my back pocket. I have kept it as an ace up my sleeve. A "just in case", "break glass in case of emergency" type scenario---the press.
I played the card game Spades in college. A lot. You kind of had to. I'm not sure I knew anyone that didn't sit down in the student center and play a hand now & then. Spades is all timing. When to play your trump cards. If you get a good partner or even just a person you know really well, you can play it all with your eyes. Time it all out, spanking tricks left & right---winning the hand--IF you have the timing right on your trumps. You don't have to have the biggest trump---the ace of spades--but you need to have your timing right. And we all know an ace never hurts either.

I need my timing to be right when and if I use the press, once I do it I can't go back. And I won't be able to play the game the same way I have before. All the rules will change & the strategy will shift.
I don't want to have to do all that. I don't want to have to start a new game. I want to finish the one I started. I want to win. I'm pretty competitive. Okay, I'm a lot competitive.
But mostly I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting & I'm tired of seeing my son unhappy. Unhealthy.
I want to see my son happy, healthy & to see him learning. I want to see the finish line and the light at the end of the tunnel.

I spent this Saturday on a farm all day. I enjoyed the peace, the quiet distraction & the nature. Feeling the breeze through my hair. After so many rainy, cloudy days lately, enjoying a blue sky with not a single cloud in it made me smile all day. I felt like God was physically granting me peace. Peace for my brain. Peace in my heart & peace for my soul. I'm trying to hold on to it. That realization that God is bigger than all of my plans, phone calls, emails & contacts. God is bigger than the state mental health budget. And God is bigger than anything I may have forgotten to do before tomorrow. God has brought Carson & I this far---and I'm not jumping off the train just because it got dark when we went through a tunnel. I'll wait. We'll wait. Carson & I have faith. Expect miracles.