There are quite a few holidays throughout the year, and so many memories I have from past holidays with my boys. The memories are a mixed bag of good and some bad. Today is Thanksgiving & we've had a very good day by comparison.
This morning, I didn't get up at 4am with son#2, but I did have to pack a special lunch to take with us for son#1. Today the husband didn't have to stand outside & feed son#2 from plates that I bring in succession for them both. But I did miss the appreciation that son#2 would have had for all the terrific food we had. And how he would have "helped" me in the kitchen last night, never leaving my side while I baked.
After eating lunch today, our family got to stay & visit with family instead of immediately rushing off after meeting the threshold of sensory overload for the boys.
I remember two years ago, our after lunch plan was to take a walk. I stayed home to clean up the dishes. The husband took son#2 and #3 for a walk around the neighborhood.
I got a call in less than 10 minutes that things had gone down hill suddenly.
Son#2 was getting naked, and when the husband tried to stop him, son#2 started screaming & scratching him.
I got in the car & started driving in the direction they had taken off, looking down side streets, with no idea where I was going.
They were 2 blocks away as I barely came to a screeching halt & threw the car in park while I jumped out.
We together were able to push son#2 into the backseat, yelled at son#3 to get in the front with us, locked the doors & I took off as fast as I could.
Two blocks doesn't sound like very far to drive. Shouldn't take too long. Yet, I remember it feeling like 30 minutes was going by. Son#2 was livid by this stage and sitting behind me attacking me the entire way. Grabbing my neck, scratching my face and neck as I tried to drive without wrecking the car. Trying to keep my hands on the wheel, but defend myself. Trying to keep his hands from grabbing my eyes. Screaming. So much screaming for that short ride. Son#2 screaming, me trying not to scream so I don't scare son#3. Husband trying to hold son#2 back as much as possible, also being scratched up.
We get home & send son#3 into the house while we grab a blanket in the backseat to wrap naked son#2 in while we try to rush him into the house without all the neighbors seeing the drama.
Once inside the house son#2 really ramped up chasing us through the house & attacking us.
That, was how a typical holiday day was spent for us. The days would take so long to come to an end. Time passed incredibly slowly. Torture.
Memorial day, Fourth of July, Easter--take your pick.
Today I missed son#2. And I felt guilt at enjoying my food in peace. I couldn't sit down too much. I'm not used to sitting through the holiday days. I felt out of sorts. My other two sons entertaining themselves, just being boys--being themselves. No rush, no hurry. No worry of having to defend myself. I think it was a little taste of normalcy. Maybe a bigger bite of it than I was quite ready for. But I tried to let myself enjoy as much of it as possible. At the end of the day, being back home in my nest, I tried to really let go of the guilt that I did enjoy a day made for family---while a piece of my family was missing. I tried to slowly let myself soak it in the realization that this may be part of the new normal in my life. That calm & enjoyment of the day that how many people take for granted?
NEVER in all my time as a mother, have I had a Thanksgiving where I have eaten, sat down somewhere comfy, and taken a nap. I still haven't. But it's something I might be okay with doing one day.
