Sometimes it's hard for a mommy to find all the right ways to say how she feels inside. God made us complicated creatures that have so much love, that we can't always tell you exactly what that means.
As moms we have so many people's happiness that we seem responsible for. Sometimes that's a heavy feeling to carry in a mommy heart. Especially when we can't fix everything for you or at the very least, make it better or easier for you. What do I tell you & your brothers every day before school? Make good choices. I want you all to choose things that will make you happy in the future, not just in the moment. Whether you're choosing friends, what classes to take or whether to stand & fight--I want those to be things you think about before you act. However brief it may be, it may save you from hurt in the long run.
I seem to make a lot of your decisions for you and it's difficult for me to always see the big picture.
I used to think I knew exactly where you'd be--with me. Forever.
I knew from the moment we knew we were going to be your parents, that you would be a boy. I just had this feeling of certainty. Funny enough, as you've grown into the teenager you are today, there have been a lot of moments of certainty I've had about you. Which is ironic since autism hardly ever contains certainty. But maybe that's why in the moments of floundering for answers for you, I have found myself truly scared. You came into this world on your own terms in such a hurry. You were born 30 minutes after we got to the hospital. And since then, you've done almost everything, your way. You hardly let me baby you ever. So independent. Your own person.
You'd come snuggle but only when you wanted to & for only as long as you wanted.
I was so worried the first time you stayed overnight from me. How would I let you know I'd be back? How would I let you know not to be scared? I remember just staring at you. Talking to you when you slept. Trying to will you to understand this was for the best & not to be scared.
It's been quite a year. This time last year we celebrated your birthday in town. We saw you every week & we were about to embark on a scary journey together where giving up my child, would help you more than anything else could. Help us all. I still don't know if I understand it all, but we made it every step of this year together, by the grace of God.
You have taken the past 3 years and you've been so very brave baby. I know you've been scared, you've been sad and you've not understood all of what's been going on. But, through it all, your independence has helped you stay strong & endure. God has heard me beg many days & nights to hold you in His hand. Baby, you have so many people that pray for you, that wish good things for you & want what's best for you. I know we'll survive this stage of life. It's what we do. We're the toughest ones in the family. but don't tell your dad & brothers. We're the toughest because we have the softest hearts don't we? We feel things the deepest & yet we get back up and keep going forward. You may be a daddy's boy, but we're a lot a like.
Baby, I don't know what is going to happen from here on out. I don't know if I can't make anything better for you anymore like I used to. But I know we'll just take it as it comes & survive. It's just what we do.
