To Whom It May Concern

I just wanted to take a minute to elaborate on some of the things your team and I touched on Friday in our session about Carson.  As a mother, of course I love my child and wish to see him excel at every single thing he is capable of doing in life. As someone who has attained her BS in Child Development, worked in residential treatment facilities and worked with autistic kids---I want to see Carson achieve every single, possible thing he is capable of, so he can have as much fulfillment and satisfaction that he is able to have in life.

Knowing my son won't live with me for the rest of his life is never something I will have control in because it's not enough for him, but God knows what I can control is how happy Carson can be in his life. And that will forever be my goal. I know we discussed how Carson will take direction and understands more than most people think he does. But of course as any person on the autism spectrum---we have a few rungs missing every so often, on our ladder.

Carson grew very aware of time in school and used to know when to go and take down the bucket of lunch bags and stand next to the classroom door waiting for the lunch bell. He has looked around for people, before opening his teacher's desk drawer and taking a large sip out of her Sonic drink before carefully replacing it and shutting the drawer to her desk. One time he was trying to pull me to the kitchen to start dinner and I told him to be patient and wait---we were ordering pizza that it would be here soon.  Later I got a call from the delivery guy who said he was in our driveway, but there was a naked kid with a paper plate standing at the front door. (This was quite awhile ago in our naked phase.) So although we may not score so high on an IQ test, our thinking reasoning skills have been in practice for 15 years and food is a great motivator for Carson.

Carson has really come back to himself since he has been in the hospital and the wonderful team here has adjusted his medicines. I've seen his attention span lengthened more than it has been in years, clear eyes and I love his affectionate nature has returned, only lashing out when in pain or his personal space has been invaded after he has shown to not be able to do what is asked in that moment.

He has really loved the attention and time so many loving, attentive nurses, sitters and doctors have given him here. It really has proven my theory that he was not really situated before in places with good staff who cared to help him do better. He has felt safe here almost from the moment he got here to the hospital and I have seen him respond to this trust by allowing them to take blood, cast his arm and remove the cast and numerous other actions I would never have thought he would be brave enough to allow. All because of feeling safe with trustworthy people.

Seeing Carson return to the kid I know, who loves to laugh, who can put his own shoes on the correct feet and is happy---has been worth this horrible journey that brought us to the hospital. Carson isn't interested in hurting his own arms, he was always trying to communicate that the bites from another child, were not feeling well. Instead of acting out, I see what I call "Toddler Tactics" now. If you're asking him to do something he doesn't want to do, he squints his eyes closed and will slowly open one eye to see if you're still there--waiting for him to complete his task. He will sometimes make us laugh when he slaps his leg (which is just like a child stomping their foot) when you aren't giving him what he wants. I love that he will rock happily in his rocking chair and watch a cartoon--he loves PBS Kids. His attention span seems longer with the more outside time he gets---he loves to walk/pace. When his pacing circles get tight, we know we're having some anxiety issues and he may end up in his bed making his little dolphin squealing noise. Carson loves his classical music and low lights to soothe himself and his weighted blanket has seen him through many painful moment with his arms while we've been here.

I really just wanted to make you aware that Carson is more than the numbers and diagnosis on the papers you received. He has more to learn with communication, taking care of himself and just how to make good choices. What Carson needs I can no longer offer all on my own. He needs a village of good people with caring souls who want to engage what skills he has, and motivate him to get more from life than he's been offered before. I hope and pray you get the privileged to get to know my son, because I know he has just as much to teach you as you can teach him.

~Julie Hall Swaim

The Christian's Bugle Blast

While finishing some work stuff up this morning and getting ready to go to the hospital-- this hymn popped into my head from my childhood. No clue where it came from. That's how these things happen. But I couldn't stop singing it once it got in there. Such a peppy ditty.
We used to sing it a lot in my church and it was sung at a really good pace.
(As a kid you notice anything that isn't quiet in church services.)
We absolutely had to stand up, Jerry Carpenter didn't allow you to sit and sing Soldiers of Christ, Arise! And I remember there were quite a few verses to it as well.

So this morning I started singing it to myself and wouldn't you know, I remembered every verse. (Too bad I can't remember that password I set up last week for Walgreens on the interwebs)
Usually when these things pop into my mind out of nowhere, I try to give them some thought, trying to figure out what the big HS is trying to say to me.
And so I did what anyone in 2016 does with questions in today's day and age--I googled it--like a boss.

Not surprisingly, one of the usual hymn authors, Charles Wesley wrote this hymn. But I did not know that he had it originally titled it "The Christian's Bugle Blast"---which I feel is much more hip and happenin'. He was a little before his time perhaps with this title.
So with the music added in, it turned into "Soldiers of Christ, Arise". A call to arms for Christians that he and his brother were held to some physical punishment in some places for this type of rally cry.

Then it gets published in "A Collection of Hymns for the Use of the People Called Methodists" (yep--for reals) with all 12 verses.
Later in the hymn, down into verses I have never heard, the words "adamant and gold" are used. This is said to be Wesley making reference to John Milton's poem, Paradise Gold where it says, “Satan, with vast and haughty strides advanced, Came towering, armed in adamant and gold.”. They think this suggests that Wesley intended for the hymn to be for Christians to use Satan's ways against him.
I like that--using Satan's ways against him.
So this got me thinking about all the verses I sang as a kid. So as I sang them through this morning and wrote them down, and this is where I knew the big HS was speaking to me.

Soldiers of Christ, arise,
And put your armor on,
Strong in the strength
Which God supplies
Through his beloved Son. 

You're getting nowhere good without Jesus. Main sentence, theme of the piece, forever and ever, amen, the end.

Strong in the Lord of Hosts,
And in his mighty pow’r,
Who in the strength of Jesus trusts
Is more than conqueror. 

 Exactly---I have to remember if I trust God, I am more than conquerors--we are over-comers in this life.

 Stand then in his great might,
With all his strength endued;
But take, to arm you for the fight,
The panoply of God. 
The panoply of God---I admit I looked this up. Amazing what you sing and have no clue what you're saying. Every definition is good but I really like "a complete or impressive collection of things". I have a panoply of  Prayer Warriors. I like it. I may start throwing it out into every day's conversation like my dad used to do with plethora.
                             

Leave no unguarded place,
No weakness of the soul;
Take ev’ry virtue, ev’ry grace,
And fortify the whole.
This one got me.  Boil it down to brass tacks. Well, you know what I mean.
This is where we are people. This is where the journey currently resides.
We have left no stone unturned, there is no room left for weakness in faith or soul. And God help me if it's not taking "every virtue" and "every ounce of grace" I have in my body to not throat punch someone daily. My mom from the time I was little, tried to call me a "young lady"---and I would get so mad and tell her I was NOT a lady. I'm sure because I was too fidgety to stand very long in line when God handed out grace.
In all seriousness, I  have all of you, my Prayer Warriors to help pray Carson and I through this journey. God is fortifying the whole lot of us.

Last verse. One day.

 That, having all things done,
And all your conflicts passed,
You may o’ercome through Christ alone,
And stand entire at last.


These verses I have never heard and am even more in love with.
To keep your armor bright,
Attend with constant care;
Still walking in your Captain’s sight,
And watching unto prayer. 

From strength to strength go on;
Wrestle and fight and pray;
Tread all the pow’rs of darkness down,
And win the well-fought day.

Just something to think about next time you sing it.

Light At The End of the Tunnel

Carson's arms are doing VERY well! His right arm is completely healed. And it is a sock on his arm--brace--another sock over the brace. Small set back on the left/original arm where someone changed the dressing and did not replace a bandage so it was an ACE bandage today that was stuck to the wound---not nice. He needed some pain pills and was shaky for most of the day but he was perking up when I left today.

The left now has bandage--sock--brace--sock. Hopefully before he leaves the hospital he will be in socks/braces only. And I have decided as a measure of comfort to him for anxiety, we will keep socks/braces for the move and while adjusting to a new facility.

I believe this will also protect him from any chance of re-injury.

But I am sure one day in the future he will move past this anxious and desire to keep his arms covered. I just have no real problem letting him have them as a security blanket for as long as he needs, to never go backwards.

This morning Carson's DHS worker called me on my way to the hospital. This is some encouraging news. I am finally letting myself be excited and hopeful.

New Mexico is pretty much off the table because their type of facility is for psych patients meeting short term goals---and I guess the OKHCA finally got something right--because he doesn't need short term. Carson needs long term goals and placement--in what is called a ICFID--Intermediate Care Facility for Intellectually Disabled.

So I am pleased NM is finally off the table!!! Thank you God!

The DHS worker said yesterday evening, her supervisor finally got ahold of the director for the San Antonio Autism Treatment Center the sister facility to the Dallas Autism Treatment Center.

(Which I will from here forward abbreviate SA ATC)

The Director for SA ATC, Dr. Z, said they have 7 houses there in SA, and 2 are especially for kids from out of state.

She has 2 spots open in the out of state house and 3 kids applying.

Dr. Z said it's hard to contract with them out of state but they do have some kids from Colorado, so it can be done. 

Dr. Z also said she would like to Facetime with Carson soon. I think this is a stellar idea! And a better way to get to know the real Carson that isn't on paper.

Maybe even as early as Monday.

The funding issue with SA ATC is probably going to involve educational dollars.

SO--here's what we're going to pray on Prayer Warriors:

1. Pray for Carson's arms to continue to heal & for his anxiety to lessen. Please God.

 I have struggled with the drs/psychiatrist horribly with that fight for weeks now.

2. Pray for San Antonio to work out. Please. Getting him INTO Texas is 90% of the battle I have fought for almost 3 yrs now.

 Pray for the funding to come through---however it needs to come through---educational dollars etc.

And pray they see him as the gloriously, smart, funny boy that he truly is. Pray they'll want to foster those qualities and help him continue to grow past any issues of communication and behavior, that he needs.

3. Pray for God-speed. We need things to work smoothly, quickly and for the greater good.

I am quite aware I will need to actually follow through and contact my Pit Bull Lawyer soon and perhaps plan a field trip to the state capital again. They are the only ones who can put the beat down on OKHCA. I am praying I have the energy for that if and when it comes.

4. Pray for all involved--we're all so tired--the Judge, the lawyers, the doctors, my  fantabulous nurses, the exceptional sitters, Ruby the Red  and especially for Carson's DHS worker. I told her today I could hear the exhaustion in her voice. I could be wrong but she sounded a little like emotions were maybe brimming in her eyes.

I knew what she felt and how frustrating it was. I know how it feels like you're purposefully putting your head through a wall each day. And the stupid hamster wheel that is OKHCA--riding that daily is a nauseating trip. I told her today that she was doing what I did by myself for 3 yrs. And I told her I had people that would pray her through this last little bit. She is doing the bulk of this fight.

A couple of friends pointed out to me this week-- something I just couldn't see---I've come a long way. I can't see it because I'm so close & my head is looking down  really concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. In my eyes if I haven't gotten him into TX, I'm not there. I'm not at my goal to see him happy.

Anything else is failure. But I am starting to see what they're saying. I guess it's been so long I've truly forgotten how far of a road I've walked down in all this.

The DHS Worker is tired. I recognize the sound of it well.

Please help me lift her up in prayer. I know with God's help we can keep her going.

Handicap Or To Handicap: We All Have One (Or Two Or Three)

(This is a lesson I taught in my home congregation ladies class at the beginning of the year, so it is written as such. I had people ask me to post it in written form.)

The definition of a handicap is:
a) a circumstance that makes progress or success difficult
b) to act as an impediment to 

These are very different--one works at keeping you from things, and the other, YOU, are the thing impeding someone or something else.

I will say now, I do not have all the answers to every question I'll ask, rhetorical or otherwise. But I think that's healthy for us. And humbling.
God doesn't bestow all knowledge on us because our human egos would be quick to succumb to bloat.

With most physical or mental impairments people ask, "why?"
As I mentioned previously speaking on Doubt---questioning is okay.
In my opinion, it's a healthy part of our God given free will. And even God's son took time to pray to his Father to ask for clarification in the garden before he went to the cross.

As a realist, my mind doesn't hover over the why. I don't care. Maybe that's shocking, but I don't.
I have absolutely no problem caring with you over your "why"; but I don't really care about my "why".
 For me what matters is what I'm supposed to do with it. I'm a pleaser, a doer and I want to just jump to the part where we find solutions or accommodating resources.

Examples were given throughout the Bible on handicaps. Anywhere from the skin conditions of Naaman, Jonathan's lame legged son, Moses--did the most humble man have speech issues or was he an introvert?  The handicap of who you're matched up against, like David. And I don't want to forget my spiritual mentor, Job, who has too many impediments to name.
Then all the way to the New Testament where Paul speaks in 2 Corinthians 12:7 of his "thorn".

2Cor 12:7--" or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me."

Of course none of us know what his thorn was specifically but there's quite a bit of evidence pointing to Paul's thorn being lingering blindness or eye issues after his road to Damascus encounter. 
In Galatians 4:15 where he says he knows the Galatians would have torn out their own eyes and given them to him. 
Galatians 6: 11 Paul talks of writing in his own handwriting to them, but with large letters and writing.
Paul pleads with God three separate times  to remove this thorn, but God instead used His power & grace through Paul's weakness.
(I personally think Paul struggled with other "thorns" like maybe nightmares & guilt over the persecution he participated in. Humans do struggle with guilt & letting go of our sins and the sins of others that have touched our lives.) 

I think we're lucky at this congregation to get to see such huge God moments or displays of power, and control and His ability to overcome anything.
We are lucky to be constantly shown through Gavin, Gage, Coleman and Carson.
But through each of these children's unique lives, we are able to really see God's power at work in some impossible circumstances.

Remember I said Job was one of my spiritual mentors. He looses his money, livelihood, even his children and was afflicted with boils from Satan.
Satan claimed that good people like Job love God only because of the good things He provides.
Remove these and his faith would melt away.
Chapter one tells us Job has done nothing to deserve this.
Sooner or later we find ourselves in Job's type situations where our world seems to crumble, and nothing makes sense--our faith is put on trial.
For me, I see him as the example of anyone going through suffering, to hold steadfast to your faith.

James 1:1-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Another interesting, human part of Job's story is when God gets upset with Job's friends as they try to talk him through the things handicapping his life. 
Lesson #1 in NOT being like Job's friends:

HEAR THAT.
Do you know what I personally want to do when I feel frustrated and feel like I got shoved down to the bottom rung of the ladder of life??
I want to throw a good, old-fashioned hissy fit at how hard it will be.
I want to lie in the floor kicking and screaming and say not nice words.
You don't know what it feels like to live my life, so don't think you know how I should feel about this development! Maybe instead, you should ask the person,"How do you feel about this newest information?"

For example--a friend's child gets into Harvard.
Terrific! What fantastic news! It surely is. Their child is smart. Their child did something impressive. Here's what we as friends say, "You have to be SO happy to hear that!"
Umm no I don't.
I can be exasperated, sad and frustrated or want to lie down in the floor and throw a ring-tail hissy. Trust me, there will be a few other emotions for a mother to process before she gets to elation.

 Give her time. She's thinking, "My child is going far away from me, won't come home but a few times a year & this will change our dynamic, our relationship and our lives forever."
 Is it the worst news--no. As a mother does this bring forth a plethora of emotions on many different levels-- yes. Have you had this exact human experience?  So let them process it all in however long it takes them.
Please don't be like that child that sticks their hand under the door while you're in the bathroom, asking if you're done yet, fifty times.
Encourage when they reach out. Everyone needs that--but you can usually sense the tone of someone's emotions. If you aren't one of those people who can--watch the people you know can. I'm dead serious. Just like Job's "handicapping" friends, you could be right or wrong, but that's not what we always wanna hear even when we know it's the truth.

This brings up the other handicap definition--"Are you acting as a handicap..."
--in a situation with someone dealing with physical or mental hurdles in their life.
--in a situation where we feel we know best---for example, raising kids.
---in a situation where someone has wronged us and we're using that to keep us from continuing to work for the greater good
If you are--then you are allowing a seed Satan has sown, to handicap you from furthering God's kingdom.  

Handicaps come with sacrifices.
SO:
*Where's the justice?
*How did this happen or how did I get here?
*Why???
*I thought God wouldn't give me more than I can handle?
*Who did this to me--God or Satan?
*This isn't fair!!
*Why do bad things happen to good people?

Remember I told you I don't claim to have answers. All I can tell you is what I believe--which is--
IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!!
What matters is we are given these trials & then we show God we trust Him to know more than us by staying steadfast in our faith.
We show the world we trust Him to navigate us through life.
Even in seasons of disappointments and trials, God is there with us. Even if He's silent like he was with Job. Yes silent.
Our imperfections are a reminder we need to rely on God and each other.
We need to try and be open to helping those who we see sacrificing for their handicaps. It may not be easy or in the way we want to assist, but we aren't called to "easy helping" just because we're Christians.

Hebrews 12:7-12
"Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?  If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all.  Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness.  No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees."