Messy Hair, Messy Life

                                         50 days since I have seen my favorite 15 year old.

In those 50 days Tahlequah has stopped some meds, and started others. Some I don't agree with at all--like the drug they give alcoholics so if they drink they'll vomit. He has sent FIVE of their staff to the hospital. Yes five. Carson has been to the ER three times.He's been banned from the psychiatrist's office. Tahlequah has put up two staff in hotels for extended periods of time to bring in extra staffing. That's a lot for them and for him in 50 days.
So today, this is how I found my baby.

Barefoot, outside, swinging like he loves. But he was so sad.
He hadn't had a shower. He had messy, greasy hair & his shirt was inside out.
This is how he greeted me.

He is my "we". We are so tired. We are so tired of fighting everyone. We are so tired of being in survival mode. And we are so very tired of the stress of not being able to fix this.

Change is hard even under the best of circumstances.  I explained to Son#1 like this:
It has taken you (Jack) almost 30 days since starting school to be okay with your schedule, new teachers/aides, new classroom, new bus driver & route.
Carson has been in Tahlequah 50 days. After being at RoseRock almost 1,095 days/3yrs.
This is a new place, new people, new routine, new rules, new schedule and new room.
I hate that it's taking Car-Car this long to settle down, but I don't think we can say that's ridiculous.

When you can't tell someone you have a headache, there's a smell you don't like, that your elbow hurts--don't touch you there, that you're scared or you don't want to eat fish sticks--you want Whataburger---there's gonna be frustration at your lack of control.  And it's going to manifest itself in a variety of ways. A lot of them not-so-pretty ways.

Just when I think as a mom that there can't possibly be many more of these Mt.Olympus sized hurdles left, there are.
This one is waiting for him to find his rhythm and settle into the newness of it all. With my hands tied. Waiting. Without a true direction to turn towards other than my faith. Waiting for when I hear the direction I need to be moving.

I've lost my sense of direction in this fight. Just trying to survive day-to-day and not think about my lack of control. I am quite aware and have been for some time that I have no real control & I'm usually fine with that. It's why I can seem so removed.
However, right now, my lack of participation is wearing on me. I'm a do-er. I don't sit and I don't dawdle. With school starting and the slew of other normal people issues, I am floating in my boat and I can't hear much over the loud waves. I'm slowly regaining my focus. It's taken a lot. Six days without leaving the house. Letting myself not answer the phone or texts when I just don't have the energy to deal with anyone elses stuff other than my own. To just concentrate on taking care of the brothers.  And me. I have benched myself. Trying to rest The Julie. Trying to take care of me a little more, so that I can come back & fight another day.  It's what Carson and I both need---rest.

Aunt Grandma Betty

I'm going to start with the obvious--our family has some extremely strong women in it--if you know us, that's probably not a surprise. Today I get to tell you about one of the special ones, who I feel blessed to say, contributed to who I am today.

It just so happened, lucky enough for me, God placed me in the same family as Betty Casey Stafford. My beginning with this family began in her house & I have felt at home every visit since. Whether it was sitting around the table for holidays or scattered around the fireplace to visit with all my cousins.

She made me my first doll--Raggedy Ann--which prompted me to request a Raggedy Andy. And I got it. Mine was the first Christmas stocking she knit to start the tradition for the grandkids. She came to see me sing in college at Spring Sing. And she helped me recover my couch & chair when I got married.

I have fond memories of all of us sitting on the board in the haircut chair with our heads in the shampoo bowl and her smiling/laughing down at us. And every time any of us slept over, we knew she was going to let us have a bowl of ice cream at the end of the night before bed.

Aunt Betty never missed sending me a birthday card, and even mailed me a card when I was baptised where she wrote about how proud she was of me.
I got to work at her shops in the summer when I would come to stay.

That's probably my favorite time I spent with her. Just the two of us. We'd ALWAYS start our day with a bowl of Honeynut Cheerios, head to the shop and at lunch, we ALWAYS had a Dr. Pepper & she ALWAYS had her Bible. She'd take it out & read to herself while we ate our lunch.

It takes a strong woman with an even stronger faith to push through life when there are heart aches like loosing parents & children. Aunt Betty had that fortitude. She was able to do the hard things, like telling me what she thought God expected from me and what was right & wrong. And I don't think she would had done all of that if she didn't love me. She could say one word, "Well..."  And you knew she expected you to do the right thing.
That's love. It's more than just the "I love yous".

It's amazing to me how often a heart can break & how many pieces it's composed of.
My Aunt Betty was a Casey AND a Stafford. Those are two families that have generations of loving, family oriented, strong minded women. That gave her an extra large heart, for her extra large family. I know without a doubt she was extremely proud of every single one of us that were lucky enough to be part of that circle.

Doubt

 James 1:5-8
 "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without
finding fault, and it will be given to him.
 But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a
wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.
 (Doesn't doubt feel like that??? You get seasick!)
 That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord;
 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. "
To me Doubt is a rebellious boy child that sometimes gets out of hand--it's opposite and
perfect little sister, is faith.
There are points in our life when our faith is strong, and we believe without a doubt.
Everything is going peachy. No need to doubt or worry--all is well!
But then we also have times where doubt creeps in, and we cry out to the Lord to
“help our unbelief"--like the New Testament father who's child was possessed by the evil spirit.
 Don't we find the doubt creeps in when we feel overwhelmed, and have begun to
assume WE will be the solution to all our own problems? When is God going to fix this?
When will this be over?

We get too busy worrying ( the cousin to Doubt) that we forget where we put our faith.
 The good news is that God answers prayers, and He is waiting to reward our faith. In
fact, He commands us to "not doubt, but believe," because He knows how much more
abundant our lives will be when we are full of faith.
God created us with free will. With the purpose being that we choose to serve him
not because He commanded us to, but because we wanted to.
As a Christian you choose each & every new day, to believe in God and that Jesus is
His Son.
And you choose every day, how much of your life you will GIVE to them, as they ask.
That is choosing to doubt whether or not God can handle your "stuff" or if you think
you've got it all under control.

A friend once taught me a very important lesson. She said sometimes we have to allow
others to help us, not for ourselves, but so they can serve God.  My pride & I have tried
to remember that. Sometimes it's not about us.
The apostle Paul’s prayer and desire for Christians everywhere was that their lives
would be full of prayer and worship, so that there is no room for wrath or doubting.
Both of those are opposite to God’s will for his children. His heart for us is that we
would be faith-filled worshippers that are passionate for our God and King, because
He knows that we will then have the capacity to live abundant, joyous, and purposeful
lives.

I want to share something that has given & continues to give me great comfort. It may
be nothing new in thought to you, but I have taken great strength from it myself.
Sometimes it doesn't feel right to admit we doubt. Seems a wrong or difficult thing for
Christians to admit to. I mean, we're perfect coming up out of the water after baptism
right? We'll never doubt again!
Jesus was human. We know we are to use him as example of human emotions he too
has felt just like us! Jesus was sorrowful to the point of death in the Garden after the
Last Supper. Think about that.
This perfect human explains to his closest friends, as much as he can of what he's
going to be going through, and he prays for them and with them. He is exhausted and
goes for a moment alone with His father. He is feeling overwhelming sadness and
anguish. And in his talk with his Father, he doubts God's plan for Him.
He does! He says if there's any way, let this cup pass from me.
He did not want to go through with God's plan. Is there any other way? Are you sure
Father?  We don't have a plan B on the books?? Please?

But He knew there wasn't. Yet he asked anyway. It's okay to ask God if there's another
way. It is okay. As long as we go to our Father & fellow brothers and  sisters in Christ
and restructure our faith.
God our Father gave us free will---and wants us daily to choose with that free will, to
take up our own cross daily---and follow Him. To cast our doubts aside.
Sometimes we need a day or two to cope with our doubt. That's perfectly fine. Just
don't unpack and live there.
We as Christians need to feel comfortable enough to express our doubts to one
another. Allow and let other Christians  help us build our faith back up.  And hopefully
make us turn to God.  We can help ourselves by staying in the Word so we can hear
the Holy Spirit when it's guiding us. And reach out to keep reaffirming. There's nothing
wrong with doubt that faith in God can't fix.

1 Peter 5:7-9
"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
 Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion
looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you
know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of
sufferings."