Dear Boys~
One day you'll be reading this as grown men, and I felt I should let you in on the reality of how a day in the life of your mother feels.
Today, in this time of your life, you think I play games and watch T.V. all day. As much as I'd like this to be true, a lady of leisure I'm not.
I just had a very trying few days lately as your mother and felt it might help your future selves and your children to understand me better if I write it all down now.
Jackson, I really worry about your adjusting to high school. You still seem so immature to me, yet your deep voice & leg hair suggest different. I know, you don't want to talk about that.
You tell me you want to live with me forever & won't even contemplate spending the night with someone else, but you talk to me with such rudeness sometimes. I realize no matter how much autism there is in your make up, there is just as much "normal teenager" in there as well.
I worry about kids offering you drugs or making fun of you and you not knowing it. I worry about you not feeling the need for friends, but you tell me that you like doing what you want by yourself. I'm happy you & Noah are talking computer games & starting to want to "hang out". Who knew it'd be 14 years before you wanted a play date? I love how when you hug me or give me a kiss, you have to bend down to do it. My big boy. Your daddy always asks me don't I want you all to become men one day. I always look at him like he's grown three heads--Umm NO I DON'T! Men have their own lives that moms aren't privy to most of the time. Who will help you? Who will see the situation UN-literally & guide you through it? Who else will call me Julie like you do?
It's one thing to leave my own life up to God. To realize my part in His plan and allow my control over my life to be usurped. But I carried YOU in my body. I prayed and talked to you before you ever left my body. You were all I had when Daddy & I started out. Just you and me alone all day waiting for him to come home. I've been there when no one else was. I talked you out of meltdowns, snapped at people who stared too long, and I explained your behavior to others in a way to help them understand you better. I helped set your course in the way I felt God might want it to be. But to have you grow up, means I have to give up steering your course and turn it over to God. That is much, much more difficult for me than giving my own life over to Him. To pray from afar? I have to let you go little by little and it's hard for a mommy. I guess that's better than ripping the band-aid off all at once though.
That band-aid brings me to you Carson. You are my baby that I brought home & I wanted ten more right then. You are so perfect in my eyes. Your laughing spirit makes me so happy your middle name is Isaac. This week I've been working on school things here for when you come home from camp. And it's not been easy son. I'm finding answers I didn't want, nothing is as easy as I hoped it would be if I was organized and I just want to hurry up and have you here. All my chickies in the nest. Daddy is there at camp with you right now. He said you saw him and were all smiles.
I know you realize you're coming home this weekend. I'm not even stressed like usual. I'm just waiting patiently for you to get here. I need you to be where I can keep you from scraping your knees up constantly. I need to be the one who puts medicine on your owies and who knows what your cry means you need. I hope you learned things while you were at camp. I pray when you get back things are better for you & for us as a family.
We love you so much CarCar.
So many things will change here Carson, but I'm ready. I'm ready for God to give me the reigns back. I've learned how to get to the peace that passes understanding. You being gone for a year, you being hurt either by someone else or their stupidity, it was a direct message from God that I have no control over this. He has this. Your mommy is a realist, and she hardly does anything without putting an efficient twist on it. If I had no control, than 99% of the time I knew this was ALL God's plan. That even if you were hurt when I had left you somewhere, God had plans for that event. Godly things would come of it. And I would never, ever in my mommy mind know what that could be, so I left the big stuff up to Him and concentrated on what He asked of me. To love Him with all my heart, mind, soul and spirit.
Carson, people have asked me and my friends all year, "How is Julie this calm?"
I was never happy you were away. But over the years I've learned to be happy wherever I am. It's all relative. On the side of a highway, you find the bad that didn't happen. When your child was hurt, you find relief in that someone found it and reported it.
I don't have all the answers Carson, and you and I will butt heads when you come home, I'm sure of it. There will be hard days, I'm sure. Days we both cry. You, Daddy & I have many, many years together still. But that's my job. God asked me to be in charge of helping you be the best you that you can be. So I want you to know, that I'm on it. I will NOT fail you. And when I can't be there, God has you. I'm so excited that while things won't be much different with you home than before, that God says it's time. So that tells me, there are plans to prosper you my baby.
Grayson Matthew--boy were you a surprise. And you continue to be one. Who knew that God had been holding you back waiting all those years to give you to our family when you were needed the most?
Papa died suddenly the month before you were born. You were such a gift from God. Nana cried a lot when she held you at first. She was so sad that Papa would never know you. But I told her that Papa met you before any of us did. You are such a ball of happy energy that never stops wondering and trying to please us all. Your spirit was sent from God to our family.
You're in your first week of first grade when I'm writing this letter. New school, new teacher and getting ready to share your bedroom with Carson.
You two have always been buddies. Since you were born Carson has stuck pretty close to you. He was always & still is, so very easy with you. Your prayers for him every night to keep him safe are like music to my soul. Your brothers are both lucky to have you. One day they'll need you ,but I know right now they give you a hard time. Just know that they love you and how different you are from them and how you are always so loving with them.
I see all that you will have to know for school and your Daddy & I see how different of a world this will be for us. Right now I worry that you don't know anyone at your new school & at church you only have one or two friends. You love people so much that I hate to see you left out or struggling for friends to include you. I love the little man you are right now. You started out so shy and wouldn't talk and now you're volunteering to lead prayers in your Bible class! You're so smart Gray, and your mind sees things as being so easy. You're eager to learn and we know you'll one day want to play sports. We've never been in that parenting world yet of soccer moms & dads but we know you will open new doors to our family with your smile and personality that people love.
One day I would bet we have a house full of your friends & while I'm feeding them huge amounts of food, you'll be including your brothers in the fun. Your heart is so tender & so big and full of love. You light up the room son, and one day I know all my worries will be for nothing and you'll be king of all the playgrounds! It's hard to imagine that as you start first grade, Jack is starting his freshman year in high school. Or that Jackson will be 18 yrs old in 4 years. That Carson is taller than me and weighs what my drivers license says I do.
The last few days were tough, but the twinkle in your eyes, all of your big, brown, mommy eyes, give me the strength to get back up and do the whole mommy thing again tomorrow. Even when I have a headache, or you're sassy, annoying or loud, I still always want to be your mommy. So remember that forever when you're reading this my three sons.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
To Do List
My "To DO List" is getting longer instead of shorter.
I keep thinking of things I need to do before son#2 comes home for good. Or even before his next visit on Aug 31.
I ordered the new seat belt locks for both cars--$25 on Amazon.
http://www.amazon.com/Buckle-Guard-Seat-Safety-Black/dp/B002XUYF9C/ref=pd_bxgy_ba_img_c
We'll probably order the fridge lock after payday. It was rated rather high, especially by people with Alzheimers keeping their significant other out of the fridge--sounds promising.
I'm cleaning out a closet for son#2 today. This house has the smallest closets I've ever seen and there's no way he can share a closet with son#3. We had bigger ones in college in our first apartment!
I need to get a 3 wide drawer rolling cart for his clothes & several things of hangers. We only have one dresser in this house--ours. Long story short, it has saved floor space for kids to have more room to play--hence the Rubbermaid drawers in the closet.
I have door knobs that we've taken off & turned around so I need to get those changed back. I really need to find a carpenter & get a quote ASAP on building a small pantry for us so that it's done before September 26th.
I have a million phone calls of people to notify, school papers to fill out for transferring him back etc.
I've made doctor appointments for the 27th already to transfer handling of meds.
I need a new trashcan that has a lid that swings but mostly stays shut so I can leave it in the house & not have to put it in the garage as well. I could use a new can opener so that lids/cans don't have the sharp edge that have caused calls to 911 in the past with son#2.
I'll probably need some more Rubbermaid that fits under the beds for toy storage when we unbunk them this weekend. (Lord, a small prayer that our backs hold out during that.)
I need to either find new, happy homes for all my plants or see if realistically they are safe on top of the fridge.
I've really enjoyed having plants again, but son#2 loves to tear the leaves off and eat the dirt.
I probably need to let our not so loving landlord know that the gate on the fence is sagging and since son#2 is a flight risk, so is the gate. And I need to let her know there is something wrong with the garage door--we have to manually make it go up & down.
While all this sounds overwhelming (and that's not even buying a truck load of diapers/wipes & gloves) I am trying in the midst of all this prep, to take into consideration how sons#1 and #3 start school in two days. Getting their supplies ready, make sure they have enough clothes/shoes and talking them each down from nervousness as they each start a brand new school.
Signed--
Looking Forward to Finding My New Normal ASAP
I keep thinking of things I need to do before son#2 comes home for good. Or even before his next visit on Aug 31.
I ordered the new seat belt locks for both cars--$25 on Amazon.
http://www.amazon.com/Buckle-Guard-Seat-Safety-Black/dp/B002XUYF9C/ref=pd_bxgy_ba_img_c
We'll probably order the fridge lock after payday. It was rated rather high, especially by people with Alzheimers keeping their significant other out of the fridge--sounds promising.
I'm cleaning out a closet for son#2 today. This house has the smallest closets I've ever seen and there's no way he can share a closet with son#3. We had bigger ones in college in our first apartment!
I need to get a 3 wide drawer rolling cart for his clothes & several things of hangers. We only have one dresser in this house--ours. Long story short, it has saved floor space for kids to have more room to play--hence the Rubbermaid drawers in the closet.
I have door knobs that we've taken off & turned around so I need to get those changed back. I really need to find a carpenter & get a quote ASAP on building a small pantry for us so that it's done before September 26th.
I have a million phone calls of people to notify, school papers to fill out for transferring him back etc.
I've made doctor appointments for the 27th already to transfer handling of meds.
I need a new trashcan that has a lid that swings but mostly stays shut so I can leave it in the house & not have to put it in the garage as well. I could use a new can opener so that lids/cans don't have the sharp edge that have caused calls to 911 in the past with son#2.
I'll probably need some more Rubbermaid that fits under the beds for toy storage when we unbunk them this weekend. (Lord, a small prayer that our backs hold out during that.)
I need to either find new, happy homes for all my plants or see if realistically they are safe on top of the fridge.
I've really enjoyed having plants again, but son#2 loves to tear the leaves off and eat the dirt.
I probably need to let our not so loving landlord know that the gate on the fence is sagging and since son#2 is a flight risk, so is the gate. And I need to let her know there is something wrong with the garage door--we have to manually make it go up & down.
While all this sounds overwhelming (and that's not even buying a truck load of diapers/wipes & gloves) I am trying in the midst of all this prep, to take into consideration how sons#1 and #3 start school in two days. Getting their supplies ready, make sure they have enough clothes/shoes and talking them each down from nervousness as they each start a brand new school.
Signed--
Looking Forward to Finding My New Normal ASAP
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Progress
prog·ress
noun
1.
a movement toward a goal or to a further or higher stage: the progress of a student toward a degree.
2.
developmental activity in science, technology, etc., especially with reference to the commercial opportunities created thereby or to the promotion of the material well-being of the public through the goods, techniques, or facilities created.
3.
advancement in general.
4.
growth or development; continuous improvement: He shows progress in his muscular coordination.
5.
the development of an individual or society in a direction considered more beneficial than and superior to the previous level.
We're gonna go with definition 5 today folks.
Son#2 *has* made some progress since being at Camelot. He can keep his clothes on, the majority of the time. He can put his own shoes on himself. He will use a fork or utensil while eating. His outbursts are less frequent. He's getting better at waiting, unless it involves food. And while son#2 hasn't mastered his anger, the higher powers at Camelot are talking discharge. He will have been there ONE YEAR on September 26th.
The "powers that be" (PTB) will be doing his annual review on that date, and we've been given a heads up by Lolly the therapist that they probably can't find a reason to keep him. We were told if we start to come to therapy once a week, (4 hr total round trip) OR take him on overnight passes more often, we might be able to draw out the time he can stay. Hubby & I feel we logistically & financially we can't play the game that way.
There have been changes at Camelot that make it difficult for me to feel as comfortable with him being there as well. The director is now in a different job & I truly felt she had the kids best interest at heart. While I don't know the new director & can't question her motives, I feel less comfortable than I did.
Toya, son#2's main, favorite of all people, staff---was let go. She was put on leave after a director of a different cottage observed her with son#2 and felt she was being too rough. I wasn't there but can tell you, I'm sure that wasn't the case. Toya has been out with our family on outings & for meals, I've always felt she was helping son#2 & forever patient with him. Not to mention the fact that she has a mentally challenged sister that is an adult now that she helped raise.
Camelot found her not-guilty, but because of this person's wording in her report, a complaint went to OCA. (Oklahoma Child Advocacy) So now, Toya has been on un-paid leave since first weeks of July, and she recently got a letter terminating her from Camelot. Which is very disappointing to me since in December when son#2 had such horrific bruising & OCA was called in, they couldn't pin down who was negligent or who caused the bruising so those workers were allowed to stay on.
I called OCA myself & left messages saying I'd testify to how I felt Toya did with son#2. And I sent her a character letter, notarized and ready to go. Poor thing needs to clear her name to still work in this field, even if she can't get back at Camelot. We'll see how all that goes, but son#2 has adjusted really well to his new staff and seems to be doing okay. So that's a relief to me throughout all that.
Having son#2 home sounds divine in some respects & scares me in others. His anger still isn't under control completely. There are many things here that need to be addressed before he's here full time & the time clock is ON! One of which is the small problem of the fridge & pantry. And then there's not enough bedrooms for everyone to have their own. I may start a change jar to save for a house.
Life is moving on, school starts the 23rd of August here. Son#1 is a freshman, son#3 is starting at a school by our house and then it closes next year. I tried to get him transferred to one that will stay open so he doesn't have to keep switching, but the planets didn't align on that for me.
All, in all things will be changing for us. Son#2 we are 95% sure will be coming home at the end of Sept, early October. Progress has been made, we've all learned a lot and God had a plan. I love the idea of less bruises on son#2 and being able to see what he needs. But with that comes so many things I can't control. His anger is one. There's all the walks he's used to, having to stop the other kids schedule or what I'm doing to take him for a walk to calm him down is going to be new. Get him re-enrolled in school here, maybe find a place he can go half days after school. Where he'll have time alone in this house, I don't know. Keeping him from eating cleaners and putting all my knives and soap in the kitchen away, will be a step backward in adjustments. Everything locked back up, will undoubtedly drive us mad at the beginning, but this *is* progress. I'm not in on it yet, but there's plan because I have faith someone bigger than me knows what's going on.
noun
1.
a movement toward a goal or to a further or higher stage: the progress of a student toward a degree.
2.
developmental activity in science, technology, etc., especially with reference to the commercial opportunities created thereby or to the promotion of the material well-being of the public through the goods, techniques, or facilities created.
3.
advancement in general.
4.
growth or development; continuous improvement: He shows progress in his muscular coordination.
5.
the development of an individual or society in a direction considered more beneficial than and superior to the previous level.
We're gonna go with definition 5 today folks.
Son#2 *has* made some progress since being at Camelot. He can keep his clothes on, the majority of the time. He can put his own shoes on himself. He will use a fork or utensil while eating. His outbursts are less frequent. He's getting better at waiting, unless it involves food. And while son#2 hasn't mastered his anger, the higher powers at Camelot are talking discharge. He will have been there ONE YEAR on September 26th.
The "powers that be" (PTB) will be doing his annual review on that date, and we've been given a heads up by Lolly the therapist that they probably can't find a reason to keep him. We were told if we start to come to therapy once a week, (4 hr total round trip) OR take him on overnight passes more often, we might be able to draw out the time he can stay. Hubby & I feel we logistically & financially we can't play the game that way.
There have been changes at Camelot that make it difficult for me to feel as comfortable with him being there as well. The director is now in a different job & I truly felt she had the kids best interest at heart. While I don't know the new director & can't question her motives, I feel less comfortable than I did.
Toya, son#2's main, favorite of all people, staff---was let go. She was put on leave after a director of a different cottage observed her with son#2 and felt she was being too rough. I wasn't there but can tell you, I'm sure that wasn't the case. Toya has been out with our family on outings & for meals, I've always felt she was helping son#2 & forever patient with him. Not to mention the fact that she has a mentally challenged sister that is an adult now that she helped raise.
Camelot found her not-guilty, but because of this person's wording in her report, a complaint went to OCA. (Oklahoma Child Advocacy) So now, Toya has been on un-paid leave since first weeks of July, and she recently got a letter terminating her from Camelot. Which is very disappointing to me since in December when son#2 had such horrific bruising & OCA was called in, they couldn't pin down who was negligent or who caused the bruising so those workers were allowed to stay on.
I called OCA myself & left messages saying I'd testify to how I felt Toya did with son#2. And I sent her a character letter, notarized and ready to go. Poor thing needs to clear her name to still work in this field, even if she can't get back at Camelot. We'll see how all that goes, but son#2 has adjusted really well to his new staff and seems to be doing okay. So that's a relief to me throughout all that.
Having son#2 home sounds divine in some respects & scares me in others. His anger still isn't under control completely. There are many things here that need to be addressed before he's here full time & the time clock is ON! One of which is the small problem of the fridge & pantry. And then there's not enough bedrooms for everyone to have their own. I may start a change jar to save for a house.
Life is moving on, school starts the 23rd of August here. Son#1 is a freshman, son#3 is starting at a school by our house and then it closes next year. I tried to get him transferred to one that will stay open so he doesn't have to keep switching, but the planets didn't align on that for me.
All, in all things will be changing for us. Son#2 we are 95% sure will be coming home at the end of Sept, early October. Progress has been made, we've all learned a lot and God had a plan. I love the idea of less bruises on son#2 and being able to see what he needs. But with that comes so many things I can't control. His anger is one. There's all the walks he's used to, having to stop the other kids schedule or what I'm doing to take him for a walk to calm him down is going to be new. Get him re-enrolled in school here, maybe find a place he can go half days after school. Where he'll have time alone in this house, I don't know. Keeping him from eating cleaners and putting all my knives and soap in the kitchen away, will be a step backward in adjustments. Everything locked back up, will undoubtedly drive us mad at the beginning, but this *is* progress. I'm not in on it yet, but there's plan because I have faith someone bigger than me knows what's going on.
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