I've been married coming up on 9 years this fall. I in no way claim to know it all or have all the answers to make a marriage perfect or even work. I just know what works for us & how we've kept it together. There's no secret, no magic word or phrase & I'm certain no perfect marriage out there. I'm always interested in how people's marriages look from the outside & then later on you find out something you never knew. Whether it's infidelity, lies or just plain unhappiness.
Amazing what you see isn't always what you get even in the marriages you "see" the most of.
Today I watched a little of Oprah. I rarely watch Oprah but I'll post the link because I truly did just watch a little of it. In case some of you saw it differently. I was sort of frustrated between bus comings & goings & phone calls I couldn't watch it all. It was a stirring episode for me. I'll preface this by saying what I heard may have been on track or not. I couldn't tell. But what it got going inside me is the point of this blog. Lance Armstrong’s ex-wife was on as well. She talked of trying to do it all & just be the happy wife. When she couldn’t keep up anymore she divorced him & is happily finding herself & making herself happy now. Whether Oprah & Dr. Robin meant it this way-this is what I gleaned & started me thinking.
Dr. Robin says marriages today are a lot of times built on lies. Lies to ourselves & the person we are marrying. Whether it's blindness by the carets on our fingers or to faults of the person we love, most of us go into marriage unaware we are doomed. Their point was we make vows or promises we can't keep or just about kill ourselves trying to. We die inside while trying to make the other person happy and supposedly loose our individual person. So when we aren’t happy or living this “lie”, we divorce so we can “find ourselves”. Women especially feel the need to be superwoman & do it all. And never say we can't or need help. Dr. Robin shared her story of marring her sweetheart "young" and then after 5 years she had “lost” herself & was so unhappy, they divorced. I did agree with her statements about being ourselves throughout marriage. How we need to stand up for ourselves. Essentially we know who we are or at the very least (depending how young you are) what you want when we marry. We just get lost in the "fairy tale" of marriage & forget to put forth our own views & opinions. The not upsetting the applecart theory. I agree with a lot of this, MOST of the time in society that it does happen this way.
This is where I may fall away from their points & got angry. And when I say angry I mean I was steamed. How dare you! How dare YOU who are divorced, you who don't want to be married because of the fear of restrictions it would place on yourself, tell ME how & why my trip to the altar could be based on lies. Now, I realize what a lot of you will say that saw the whole episode or see it "differently". This is where you tell me that Oprah is a wonderful world example & wonderful mentor to women everywhere is just trying to help & that there ARE a lot of women who marry thinking this way. That's fine, you can stop reading now. But my point & issue is with those of us who are Christian women in good marriages.
The following is a true soapbox rant.
I may have missed the boat on today's episode or the well meaning of it, but let me tell you why I'm steamed.
I may indeed not be the same person that married at 22 years old. I would say few are. That's life, see? That's what life DOES. It's purpose is to shape us & mold us-turn us to God, in my humble opinion.
So I have an opinion on issues, world & life values. As does any person, male or female-married or not. If you can't SPEAK your opinion to whether the drapes should be green or blue, or whether or not you like Chinese food, you probably can't stand up for yourself in the big issues like money, whether or not you want children & if you believe in spanking. I don't buy Oprah & Dr. Robin's excuse of the majority of us losing ourselves in marriage. She says we are afraid to upset the image we see & believe to be marriage. We do this until we "lose ourselves" and resent the other person & the institution of marriage & end it all in divorce.
I personally think this is a cop out & a load of crap. I know a lot of us have different ideas of what marriage will be going in, then what actually marrriage is. But come on! I'm sick of society thinking divorce at any sneeze, hiccup or burp is acceptable. Let’s HOPE you are at least adult enough to have a few conversations before you marry or even propose to that special someone about what you DO expect out of life & marriage. Let’s hope you aren’t stupid & really talk about how you grew up & how you want to see your kids raised. And for pity’s sake, let’s hope & pray you had a conversation about your faith, values & morals before you ever got the I Do’s out your mouth. If not, it’s YOUR own damn fault. You’re doing it to yourself & your marriage. Do you think the other person will read your mind & just assume you’re not being forthcoming & honest? I’d like to think MOST of us who love someone would assume & take for granted the other person in your marriage is being honest & straightforward about issues that matter. Isn’t that what marriage IS? The person that’s got the security code & clearance to have those discussions with you & know what you think on those all important issues?
So to sit & tell me we as women, are just letting ourselves get “lost” & not standing up for ourselves, is a bunch of BS. You as a woman, are allowing that to happen to yourself. YOU are doing it to YOU. Get it? Then you take the cop out of divorce because “he just doesn’t know me anymore”. Well how the heck could he?
Did you once talk about things that weren’t superficial? Did you just ask him what he wanted for dinner & not in the bedroom? Did you even think to ask if he’s HAPPY or what MAKES him happy? So your husband plays golf & he’s gone a lot. Stand up for yourself. Tell him that you’re okay with it most of the time, but not XYZ. Compromise! If you need time alone or without the kids, find yourself a sitter & make the time. Stop whining about it & just go. If it’s important & needs aren’t getting met, sit down, tell him how serious it is to you & MAKE it important. You might just hear some stuff back you had no idea he was thinking or feeling too. COMMUNICATE. You live together don’t you? Would you let a girlfriend get away with not knowing how you felt about something? Women are good at letting it bottle up & then exploding at the littlest thing later. Let it out like a pressure valve-a little at a time.
This IS what makes my marriage good. Oh yeah God has a hand in it, but the cheesy answer of communication is true. What do people think will happen? You’ll have a fight? An argument? So? That’s what happens in just about any relationship so why would it be different in marriage. You just have to be strong enough to forgive & get over the little things to see the big picture. I’m not calling women to unite & I’m not condemning Oprah & her army. But I’m sick of this issue being a Kleenex moment. Get over it. Stop having the pity party & stand up for yourself & your marriage. I just want it known, we as women wuss out a lot of times & it needs to stop. So marriage is hard. And? You think that diamond was free? You think those children are free? Heck no! You’re working for them baby! Working your way through your own life & marriage is a part of that. Just be glad you’ve got someone that’s on your team. The more I’m in the world today, I’m not so sure there’s anyone else out there rooting for me except my husband. So help each other out. You’re not there to just please yourself. (step down off soapbox)
I don’t want to sound like I don’t believe there are just causes for divorce, because I do. Or that all women are in a bad marriage. But that’s my point, stop being silent. Marriage is a good thing for those it’s meant for & we need as Christian Americans need to be much more “pro-marriage”. “Pro-keeping it together”. Stop thinking as a woman you can’t be yourself & happy AND be a mom. Do it. Do whatever it takes. Why can’t you? Who’s stopping you? You can have a life outside of being a mother. Like I said, I don’t claim to know what will make your marriage work. I have no secret key or magic word. For us, we communicate-we aren’t afraid to say ANYTHING to each other. We share the same faith, values & goals. And most importantly, before we ever got married we knew the D word wasn’t allowed here. And ya know what? We’ve never once needed to use it as a threat, question or way out. In my house we aren’t quitters & the blame game is not welcome. We do what works for us, but I in no way think that makes my marriage better or worse than yours. I just know what works for mine.
http://www2.oprah.com/index.jhtml
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Once Upon A Time
Something I love but don't get to do often is go to the bookstore. I'd really rather just check books out at the library than go buy them but it is nice to once in awhile treat yourself & go buy a couple paperbacks & relax in the quiet of a Barnes & Noble. So I thought.
Sunday night I decided I had really better take a break before Ithe Mommy broke & couldn't be fixed. Since not much is open at 7pm on a Sunday night & I'm begining to hate trips to Wal-Mart in my old age, I thought I'd venture out to the bookstore. I hadn't been there in a year or so. It was rather appealing with it's aisles & aisles of self-help books, mystery novels, biographies, & discounted books about things you just never thought you needed until it was marked down to $5.
Oh I was looking forward the closer I got to the store for the peace & quiet, the scent of coffee wafting about & the rustling of newspapers from the few people in overstuffed chairs. A faint melody of classical music in the background, the warm feeling of seeing that many books in one place could at one time bring tears to my eyes. It still was a rich memory & one I was looking forward to more after each stoplight I passed. I was really going to be in an atmosphere to let go of the kids voices in my head, giving into the indulgence of reading more than just the blurb before I bought the book & sitting somewhere to just soak in the ambiance.
Well, it seems in the year or so since I've been, Barnes & Noble has become more of a hotspot for an ecceletic group of people & more of them than I had anticipated. There were hardly any parking spots, and after I pushed my way in, the amount of people & chaotic noise from the "coffee bar" was rather off-putting. By the laughs coming from over there I was wondering to myself if they had replaced the coffee with a tad harder beverage. Not one to be discouraged I plowed through the discounted books, found a couple & kept browsing. There WERE a rather quite a few of chipy happy to help sales people that became annoying after awhile but I did press on.
The Christianity section was very mislabeled & contained books on politics, there were hardly any chairs & what were there were piled with the most toothless, half clothed people I've seen in a bookstore in awhile. That along with the blaring Bob Dylan music wasn't promoting a comforting atmosphere in the least. Oh and the children! What crazy people take children and let them RUN around the store while they browse & ignore them. Yes, things have changed and I AM old. In my day you didn't have to take children everywhere just because you gave birth to them and if you did, they had to behave or you left. Now people don't hesitate to drag their kids ANYWHERE & EVERYWHERE. And no one seems to care what the kids do or don't do. But that's a different blog for a different day.
As I wondered around some more I came across a book I wanted to look through extensively. But the only place I could find to sit & peruse this book was a stepstool. One with rubber indentations that eat into your butt & make it go numb after about 3 minutes. Payless shoes has more comfy footstools! As I'm sitting there thumbing through the book, I get to see the gaggle of people (mainly men) flowing in & out of the restrooms. One young man carried a book in. I don't think he saw me as he went in, but when he came out 15 minutes later, I KNOW he did. He seemed pretty smug till he saw me. We exchanged the "I know where you just took that book" look. At least he had the sense to look embarrassed. (In that moment I had a George Castanza/Seinfeld flashback. He was in plaid pants, I was pretty sure security could track him down to flag the book.)
My mood bubble busted I put my book back & started over to my favorite & last section, the mysteries. I saved this for last like you would a dessert you'd been craving. This was supposed to be the cherry & whipped cream of my venture out to relax. However, my hot fudge cake experience was melting all over the place so far. I would have made it fine except for the "gang" of four "goth" boys that were playing TAG down the aisles & kept almost knocking me over, yet having the decency to say excuse me every time. Thank God for small favors, is that how the saying goes? After one of them "passed gas", I was done.
I think I had gleaned all I could from this experience & what it had to offer. I was done. I couldn't say it had been relaxing but it HAD been an experience. Next time I'll just go get a drink at Sonic, buy my book at Wal-Mart & sit in the library parking lot. More peace & less gas.
Sunday night I decided I had really better take a break before Ithe Mommy broke & couldn't be fixed. Since not much is open at 7pm on a Sunday night & I'm begining to hate trips to Wal-Mart in my old age, I thought I'd venture out to the bookstore. I hadn't been there in a year or so. It was rather appealing with it's aisles & aisles of self-help books, mystery novels, biographies, & discounted books about things you just never thought you needed until it was marked down to $5.
Oh I was looking forward the closer I got to the store for the peace & quiet, the scent of coffee wafting about & the rustling of newspapers from the few people in overstuffed chairs. A faint melody of classical music in the background, the warm feeling of seeing that many books in one place could at one time bring tears to my eyes. It still was a rich memory & one I was looking forward to more after each stoplight I passed. I was really going to be in an atmosphere to let go of the kids voices in my head, giving into the indulgence of reading more than just the blurb before I bought the book & sitting somewhere to just soak in the ambiance.
Well, it seems in the year or so since I've been, Barnes & Noble has become more of a hotspot for an ecceletic group of people & more of them than I had anticipated. There were hardly any parking spots, and after I pushed my way in, the amount of people & chaotic noise from the "coffee bar" was rather off-putting. By the laughs coming from over there I was wondering to myself if they had replaced the coffee with a tad harder beverage. Not one to be discouraged I plowed through the discounted books, found a couple & kept browsing. There WERE a rather quite a few of chipy happy to help sales people that became annoying after awhile but I did press on.
The Christianity section was very mislabeled & contained books on politics, there were hardly any chairs & what were there were piled with the most toothless, half clothed people I've seen in a bookstore in awhile. That along with the blaring Bob Dylan music wasn't promoting a comforting atmosphere in the least. Oh and the children! What crazy people take children and let them RUN around the store while they browse & ignore them. Yes, things have changed and I AM old. In my day you didn't have to take children everywhere just because you gave birth to them and if you did, they had to behave or you left. Now people don't hesitate to drag their kids ANYWHERE & EVERYWHERE. And no one seems to care what the kids do or don't do. But that's a different blog for a different day.
As I wondered around some more I came across a book I wanted to look through extensively. But the only place I could find to sit & peruse this book was a stepstool. One with rubber indentations that eat into your butt & make it go numb after about 3 minutes. Payless shoes has more comfy footstools! As I'm sitting there thumbing through the book, I get to see the gaggle of people (mainly men) flowing in & out of the restrooms. One young man carried a book in. I don't think he saw me as he went in, but when he came out 15 minutes later, I KNOW he did. He seemed pretty smug till he saw me. We exchanged the "I know where you just took that book" look. At least he had the sense to look embarrassed. (In that moment I had a George Castanza/Seinfeld flashback. He was in plaid pants, I was pretty sure security could track him down to flag the book.)
My mood bubble busted I put my book back & started over to my favorite & last section, the mysteries. I saved this for last like you would a dessert you'd been craving. This was supposed to be the cherry & whipped cream of my venture out to relax. However, my hot fudge cake experience was melting all over the place so far. I would have made it fine except for the "gang" of four "goth" boys that were playing TAG down the aisles & kept almost knocking me over, yet having the decency to say excuse me every time. Thank God for small favors, is that how the saying goes? After one of them "passed gas", I was done.
I think I had gleaned all I could from this experience & what it had to offer. I was done. I couldn't say it had been relaxing but it HAD been an experience. Next time I'll just go get a drink at Sonic, buy my book at Wal-Mart & sit in the library parking lot. More peace & less gas.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
It's A Miracle!
There are exactly 7 days until school starts up again. My children have been out of summer school for 3 weeks so far. 3 VERY LONG weeks. I know I sound rather wimpy but I had grown accustomed to having some time each day while the baby slept & the big kids were at school, to just have complete & utter quiet at my house. I don't ask much, my husband & I don't get dates really. We don't get to attend church, we don't get too much time away from the house in general. But I'm really really happy with my life. And I rarely spend time thinking of what I might possibly missing out on.
I've turned into quite the homebody & more often than not, I'd rather be home than anywhere else. But the quiet times get me through. It rejuvenates me to another level of being able to cope with the chatter & constant repeated questions & squabbles.
This being said, I haven't had quiet in 3 weeks or more. The times I HAVE been out of the house they've been to stores where someone elses child is doing the exact things I'm trying to escape hearing. And this brings me to my vices. I'm not proud but I am in no way embarrassed by them.
Cable television. I love me some tv people! I will watch just about anything. My soaps are the only adults I see during most days & I love getting into the ridiculous dramas. They make my life look SO tame in comparasion. We have a very ecelectic viewership. It's not odd in one night for us to be on the Discovery channel, Bravo, & Sci-Fi. (when we still got it-curses down on those Cox people) I love the reality shows & I am up on American Idol & LOST. I still need to catch up on Prison Break & 24 before the new seasons start though. So I do have some homework coming.
Another vice is the computer. Everything from surfing the net, IM-ing my husband all day & finding out where Chachi (you may have seen him on Arrested Development most recently) is to what time Project Runway reruns. I email constantly, run a scrapbooking website & check bulletin boards daily. Okay, some hourly. And I do dabble in the occasional online computer game. There's nothing like transporting yourself to a place where your body is cartoon curvy & you're outnumbered by men 24 to 1.
Now, this brings me to my last & favorite vice. Caffeine. I'll take it any form. I'm not too picky. I prefer to start off with 2-3 cups of coffee in the morning. Then gravitate in the afternoons to 2-3 Diet Dr Peppers. If it's been extremely hard week (PMS perhaps) or I feel the need to indulge myself, I'll drink a regular Dr Pepper or two.
So today I had already had my coffee, even one Diet Dr Pepper. But I was getting a headache & decided I'd chase my Excedrin with another one. When I reached into the fridge my 12 pack was EMPTY. Now there was not TOTAL panic. I knew I had another 12 pack in the garage but hot Dr Pepper of ANY variety SUCKS & it doesn't really help to try it over ice. When it's hot, there's no fizz. And the ice waters it down much too quickly. My favorite way to drink it is COLD from the fridge & then pop it back into the freezer & let it get SLUSHY! OH yeah! Just saying it makes my mouth water! (yep that's an addiction alright!)
Going back, I peek down into the empty box, no cans. A tear almost seriously escapes my eye....as did a few choice words I kept in check. But I went out to the garage, got the new 12 pack & as I pulled out the old, empty box, one single can of Diet Dr Pepper rolled out.
JOY! I can't explain the joy & utter amazement I felt! Not having to drink the hot Dr Pepper over ice. Not having to wait for one to get cold in the freezer. Ahhh bliss. It was just like the Bible talks about in John chapter 6. The loaves & fishes. This was my miracle of loaves & fishes. I needed & God provided. God is good people, God is good!
I've turned into quite the homebody & more often than not, I'd rather be home than anywhere else. But the quiet times get me through. It rejuvenates me to another level of being able to cope with the chatter & constant repeated questions & squabbles.
This being said, I haven't had quiet in 3 weeks or more. The times I HAVE been out of the house they've been to stores where someone elses child is doing the exact things I'm trying to escape hearing. And this brings me to my vices. I'm not proud but I am in no way embarrassed by them.
Cable television. I love me some tv people! I will watch just about anything. My soaps are the only adults I see during most days & I love getting into the ridiculous dramas. They make my life look SO tame in comparasion. We have a very ecelectic viewership. It's not odd in one night for us to be on the Discovery channel, Bravo, & Sci-Fi. (when we still got it-curses down on those Cox people) I love the reality shows & I am up on American Idol & LOST. I still need to catch up on Prison Break & 24 before the new seasons start though. So I do have some homework coming.
Another vice is the computer. Everything from surfing the net, IM-ing my husband all day & finding out where Chachi (you may have seen him on Arrested Development most recently) is to what time Project Runway reruns. I email constantly, run a scrapbooking website & check bulletin boards daily. Okay, some hourly. And I do dabble in the occasional online computer game. There's nothing like transporting yourself to a place where your body is cartoon curvy & you're outnumbered by men 24 to 1.
Now, this brings me to my last & favorite vice. Caffeine. I'll take it any form. I'm not too picky. I prefer to start off with 2-3 cups of coffee in the morning. Then gravitate in the afternoons to 2-3 Diet Dr Peppers. If it's been extremely hard week (PMS perhaps) or I feel the need to indulge myself, I'll drink a regular Dr Pepper or two.
So today I had already had my coffee, even one Diet Dr Pepper. But I was getting a headache & decided I'd chase my Excedrin with another one. When I reached into the fridge my 12 pack was EMPTY. Now there was not TOTAL panic. I knew I had another 12 pack in the garage but hot Dr Pepper of ANY variety SUCKS & it doesn't really help to try it over ice. When it's hot, there's no fizz. And the ice waters it down much too quickly. My favorite way to drink it is COLD from the fridge & then pop it back into the freezer & let it get SLUSHY! OH yeah! Just saying it makes my mouth water! (yep that's an addiction alright!)
Going back, I peek down into the empty box, no cans. A tear almost seriously escapes my eye....as did a few choice words I kept in check. But I went out to the garage, got the new 12 pack & as I pulled out the old, empty box, one single can of Diet Dr Pepper rolled out.
JOY! I can't explain the joy & utter amazement I felt! Not having to drink the hot Dr Pepper over ice. Not having to wait for one to get cold in the freezer. Ahhh bliss. It was just like the Bible talks about in John chapter 6. The loaves & fishes. This was my miracle of loaves & fishes. I needed & God provided. God is good people, God is good!
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