I've been tagged (just the thing to jumpstart my blogging again) by my sister-in-law to confess 5 weird things you probably don't know about me.
#1-I'm an old person trapped in a 31 yr old body. I like to watch Golden Girl reruns, hate going to the grocery store, tell everyone to shhhh. I think the Nike shoes today are atrocious & the clothes people wear are down right freaky. I eat cottage cheese, hate the large amounts of pepper that have taken over all food in resturants & I love to knit & read at night. There, I said it. I used to joke about Matt having robbed the cradle with me being 4 yrs younger than him, but now my secret is out. He married an old woman. But you know what they say about younger men & older women. ;)
#2-I love Steven Segal movies. Yes, I realize this may mean I need to see a therapist. Do they have a television therapist that analyzes what shows you watch/like & why??
My two favorites are Under Seige I & II. I could watch them over & over & over. Some other of my favs are, "Hard to Kill"& "The Patriot" . There are tons of famous people in them like, Michael Caine, Tommy Lee Jones, Gary Busey, Marg Helgenberger, Jerry Orbach & Billy Bob Thorton. When his movies come on USA, I'm hooked. I get giddy & excited. I don't find him particularly attractive, so I can't tell you what it is. Maybe the same cheesy factor I find fun & intriguing about Mr. David Caruso.
#3-I like to stay home. I mean I love my house. It's cozy. I'm not an agoraphobe. I don't MIND leaving the house at all & there are times I have to get out & away from kids. But until I got married I didn't realize I was a home-body. I enjoy my bedroom the most. It has my scrapbook table & cabinet of supplies, my sewing machine, walk-in closet with knitting stuff & books, king sized bed, tv & computer. I could pretty much live in this room. Did I mention there's a lock on the door?
#4-And like Katrina, I've been lured by my husband & the beautiful graphics into the computer gaming of World of Warcraft-better known as WoW. I play online with my husband sometimes & my family. It's a fun way to burn off some stress & get away from life as you know it. And how flattering to have some level 40 Warrior hit on you, or kicking his butt. It depends on my mood that day. I'm not an expert by any means & haven't quite taken it to the level of computer geek/nerd YET-but there's still hope as my husband says.
#5-I love having boys. I do not & have not wanted a girl child much to my mother's tears & frustration. When pregnant, many strangers & friends tried to understand. They would cock their head to the side & say "awww" when I told them I was having my third boy. I called it the pity sigh. However, I have never felt that longing to have a girl. I'm perfectly content & thrilled with all boys. Give me a couple more & I'd be fine. That's ONE of the things stopping me from having another kid, odds aren't in my favor for four boys. I have neices, friends with girls & I don't need the drama. I remember not liking my mother from ages 11-18 or so. I don't care to live through that again. Or the hormones. I have enough stress with broken bones, computer games, sports equipment & black eyes. I don't want the fights about mini skirts, make-up, dating, sex & paying for a wedding. I'd much rather wear beige & keep my mouth shut.
There you have it-I'm not sure I'm TOO weird, but we'll see what YOU all post. Tag your it!
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
August
With August gone I wanted to mark it as an important time in my life with just few paragraphs. 6 months have gone by since my dad died. I'm not pointing it out as 6 months ago he died, as much as I'm telling you I'm different now.
If you've ever lost someone close to you or your family, you know that people will ask you all the time if it's getting any easier or if you're doing better. People mean well & it does show their concern for you & your well-being. However, when you aren't doing well or it's a hard day, you really can't say that out loud. Most of us aren't going to blurt out the trouble with processing it all or the odd emotional times that come & go. Anyone who asks you most always wants to hear you are doing fine or better so they can become more comfortable & move on to a different subject in conversation.
The other common question & response is usually closer to the time you've lost the loved one. It's more along the lines of when things will get easier or comments about time healing everything. It's a pat answer or thing to say when you know someone is still hurting or you really just don't know what to say to the person suffering the loss. That's okay but I think we all know there's different times of healing for each person and time WILL make things better...eventually.
It was in August that I knew things were getting better. Not great, but better. My life is still empty in many places and there are still moments I can't stop thinking of my dad & what I want to tell him or show him. Mostly about my sons. But in general, life. I miss sharing life moments with him. I realize wherever he is, he isn't missing anything. But I feel like he's missing things in my life. I wanted him to see Carson do better with medication, I wanted him to see this baby & how wonderfully brillant & beautiful he is. I wanted him to see Jackson's new front tooth. For him to see our new couch & watch football on it with us. I wanted him to be there to help me fix the weedeater and ask about buying a new minivan. I wanted him to see the season finale of LOST with me so we could talk about how crazy that show is. And I wanted to buy him a birthday present & Christmas present one last time.
There are moments when he doesn't seem to be gone & others are so lonely & empty without him. It used to be VERY hard for me to drive down the street that took me to his house or past the hospital where he was for the days before he died. I'd cry every time. Certian songs on the radio would make me collapse in tears on the way home from Wal-Mart. I'd have to sit in the garage waiting to get a grip on myself to go in & resume my life. Baseball was exceptionally rough this summer. I couldn't watch really. Those St. Louis Cardinals just aren't the same without him. And football this Sunday, well that wasn't as fun either. No fantasy football games against each other to spur us on, no telling him T.O. was with our Cowboys. Just not as much fun.
Now there are less of those times. I can drive by the hospital & not have to look the other way. I can think of him without tears welling up EVERY time. Now it's just once in awhile. I still get misty-eyed over soft hearted commercials or things my kids do I know he would enjoy. I still carry some things on my sleeve, but most of the time I have can keep my emotions in check. No one says I have to, no one has asked in a really long time how I'm doing with it, but the resolution & closure was inside me anyway. I've learned not to depend on the outside world, or even some close to you, to take care of you. That's best left to you & your God. He's the best caretaker anyway.
Sometimes when it's really quiet or I'm alone driving in the car, those times still hurt. Those quiet times when your life stops being so crazy & hectic and your brain & heart have time to talk to each other. Those conversations still hurt, but I'm not convinced that they won't always hurt.
If you've ever lost someone close to you or your family, you know that people will ask you all the time if it's getting any easier or if you're doing better. People mean well & it does show their concern for you & your well-being. However, when you aren't doing well or it's a hard day, you really can't say that out loud. Most of us aren't going to blurt out the trouble with processing it all or the odd emotional times that come & go. Anyone who asks you most always wants to hear you are doing fine or better so they can become more comfortable & move on to a different subject in conversation.
The other common question & response is usually closer to the time you've lost the loved one. It's more along the lines of when things will get easier or comments about time healing everything. It's a pat answer or thing to say when you know someone is still hurting or you really just don't know what to say to the person suffering the loss. That's okay but I think we all know there's different times of healing for each person and time WILL make things better...eventually.
It was in August that I knew things were getting better. Not great, but better. My life is still empty in many places and there are still moments I can't stop thinking of my dad & what I want to tell him or show him. Mostly about my sons. But in general, life. I miss sharing life moments with him. I realize wherever he is, he isn't missing anything. But I feel like he's missing things in my life. I wanted him to see Carson do better with medication, I wanted him to see this baby & how wonderfully brillant & beautiful he is. I wanted him to see Jackson's new front tooth. For him to see our new couch & watch football on it with us. I wanted him to be there to help me fix the weedeater and ask about buying a new minivan. I wanted him to see the season finale of LOST with me so we could talk about how crazy that show is. And I wanted to buy him a birthday present & Christmas present one last time.
There are moments when he doesn't seem to be gone & others are so lonely & empty without him. It used to be VERY hard for me to drive down the street that took me to his house or past the hospital where he was for the days before he died. I'd cry every time. Certian songs on the radio would make me collapse in tears on the way home from Wal-Mart. I'd have to sit in the garage waiting to get a grip on myself to go in & resume my life. Baseball was exceptionally rough this summer. I couldn't watch really. Those St. Louis Cardinals just aren't the same without him. And football this Sunday, well that wasn't as fun either. No fantasy football games against each other to spur us on, no telling him T.O. was with our Cowboys. Just not as much fun.
Now there are less of those times. I can drive by the hospital & not have to look the other way. I can think of him without tears welling up EVERY time. Now it's just once in awhile. I still get misty-eyed over soft hearted commercials or things my kids do I know he would enjoy. I still carry some things on my sleeve, but most of the time I have can keep my emotions in check. No one says I have to, no one has asked in a really long time how I'm doing with it, but the resolution & closure was inside me anyway. I've learned not to depend on the outside world, or even some close to you, to take care of you. That's best left to you & your God. He's the best caretaker anyway.
Sometimes when it's really quiet or I'm alone driving in the car, those times still hurt. Those quiet times when your life stops being so crazy & hectic and your brain & heart have time to talk to each other. Those conversations still hurt, but I'm not convinced that they won't always hurt.
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