I was just with you. My time with you is always so precious & it goes so very fast baby. I will never forget every detail of this visit.
I came in with my guard down. I was more focused on somewhere I was going afterwards. On the big picture, not on this visit.
I was complacent. Extra complacent. The therapist told me your arms had healed. That I would be surprised at how good you looked. And because of that, I wasn't expecting to see you torn into. A piece of you literally missing. A piece that we'll never get back. Just a hole. A new scar one day.
Blood all over your shirt. Your blood on my shirt. You were so calm. I was calm.
No one had answers. We walked to the nurse. I was so quiet. I don't think I said three words in 20 minutes.
Carson there was a lump in my throat the size of a golf ball and Mommy couldn't hardly breathe much less swallow. Did you feel me shaking? You had to. My hands never stopped touching you.
I brought you there for your safety, the family's safety and I let you down baby.
We walked for quite awhile today and I talked to you telling you all about your brother's birthday party, his basketball camp. I told you how much we missed you, and loved you. You are missed baby. Every day. I couldn't bear it if you thought because we weren't with you we forgot you. When I dropped Grayson off for his playdate so I could come see you, he reminded me to take pictures and tell him all about you when I got home.
I can't show Grayson these pictures Carson. They would scare him. He would be so sad to think someone was mean to you.
I called your therapist on the drive home. I asked if they found out what had happened.
He said some other kid just hit you out of nowhere & then you were upset and bit yourself.
Baby, I don't believe them. Mommy has been too trusting. I've taken their word for it that you've been biting your own arms & I don't believe them anymore.
This had JUST happened, I know it. You were calm, not angry. This was a bite---a hard, knotted, swollen bite mark. The only mark on you at all. That's not how you are when you're upset. There was no blood on your mouth, but there was peanutbutter from lunch. And if this happened before lunch, why hadn't you been to the nurse before I took you?? More questions than answers.
Baby--with every fiber of my being I do not believe you did this to yourself. And I'm no longer believing you did all the other bites that will leave scars all over your arms. Your arms and mine have all those white lines don't they? Battle scars from autism. I don't want mine to ever go away.
I used to try and hide them. I'd wear long sleeves to church so no one would ask me what happened.
So I didn't have to worry about anyone thinking less of you.
You know what? Now I don't care who sees them. I want them to be seen. I wish I had more. I wish I had every single scar off your arms put onto mine. I would take them for you if I could.
I hate that I've let this happen to you. I hate that I am forced to trust anyone with your care that isn't me. It makes me so angry.
Car-Car I keep that anger bottled up. I have learned to not let that out. It's a powder keg of emotions waiting to explode on a daily basis.
I don't know what a normal reaction to this type of thing is anymore. I wish to God I did. What's okay to feel and act on? I've played the game too long haven't I? All I know is I felt so disgusted. I wanted to throw up. I had to keep myself together for you. You didn't want me to leave. You had such a grip on me to not leave you, I have a couple bruises on my arm from your grip. You tried to talk to me. You kept making a noise over & over. Staring me in the eyes. Imploring me to know what you were saying. It broke my heart in half. All I could say was I know baby. What kind of mother leaves their child after that??
How horrible am I to walk away--to leave you there??
I sat in the car baby and hot tears leaked out. I was shaking trying to keep myself together. Sick to my stomach and I was paralyzed. I couldn't leave the parking lot.
I felt helpless. So much stress. How do I hold up my own body? How did I let this happen?
I was numb and feeling overwhelmed with emotion all at the very same time.
I work so hard at keeping a lid on this powder keg Carson. I try every day to keep all my emotions in check when it comes to you. It won't help you if I unpack them all from the powder keg and have a pity party. But baby, today they lit the fuse.
Honey--mommy is going to a place she can't come back from. I think they think I'm stupid Carson.
The mom in me cannot let them take advantage anymore of my patience and the barrel they think they have me over. My job is to do as much as I can for you every single day. It wasn't enough today baby. I'm so so sorry.
Hurting a vulnerable person has lit the powder keg that contains my mommy soul & I will not rest until you are out of this hell hole and everything they do & don't do is brought under a magnifying glass to be gazed on by the world.
People have to see our arms Carson. They HAVE to look and be disgusted. They have to be made to feel uncomfortable and they have to not be able to not forget those images. THEN, they will help.
You can't speak. You never have. My voice is yours and although you've been away from me, more than with me the past 3 years of this journey--I WILL not let this voice be quiet any longer.
Yes my focus was on a bigger picture--and has hard as it is for me to admit, I think this will be good for the outcome of your journey. I think this was a key turning point.
I hate with every thing in me, that this happened to you. But I know with just as much inside of me, that this is IT baby. We will get you out of there and we will not be going back. I will make this place a place that no one who sees it's disgusting laziness, will be able to look away from.
Your story will be heard and as long as I breathe you will have me to fight your battles baby. Consider the fuse lit.
~Mommy
