August

With August gone I wanted to mark it as an important time in my life with just few paragraphs. 6 months have gone by since my dad died. I'm not pointing it out as 6 months ago he died, as much as I'm telling you I'm different now.

If you've ever lost someone close to you or your family, you know that people will ask you all the time if it's getting any easier or if you're doing better. People mean well & it does show their concern for you & your well-being. However, when you aren't doing well or it's a hard day, you really can't say that out loud. Most of us aren't going to blurt out the trouble with processing it all or the odd emotional times that come & go. Anyone who asks you most always wants to hear you are doing fine or better so they can become more comfortable & move on to a different subject in conversation.

The other common question & response is usually closer to the time you've lost the loved one. It's more along the lines of when things will get easier or comments about time healing everything. It's a pat answer or thing to say when you know someone is still hurting or you really just don't know what to say to the person suffering the loss. That's okay but I think we all know there's different times of healing for each person and time WILL make things better...eventually.

It was in August that I knew things were getting better. Not great, but better. My life is still empty in many places and there are still moments I can't stop thinking of my dad & what I want to tell him or show him. Mostly about my sons. But in general, life. I miss sharing life moments with him. I realize wherever he is, he isn't missing anything. But I feel like he's missing things in my life. I wanted him to see Carson do better with medication, I wanted him to see this baby & how wonderfully brillant & beautiful he is. I wanted him to see Jackson's new front tooth. For him to see our new couch & watch football on it with us. I wanted him to be there to help me fix the weedeater and ask about buying a new minivan. I wanted him to see the season finale of LOST with me so we could talk about how crazy that show is. And I wanted to buy him a birthday present & Christmas present one last time.

There are moments when he doesn't seem to be gone & others are so lonely & empty without him. It used to be VERY hard for me to drive down the street that took me to his house or past the hospital where he was for the days before he died. I'd cry every time. Certian songs on the radio would make me collapse in tears on the way home from Wal-Mart. I'd have to sit in the garage waiting to get a grip on myself to go in & resume my life. Baseball was exceptionally rough this summer. I couldn't watch really. Those St. Louis Cardinals just aren't the same without him. And football this Sunday, well that wasn't as fun either. No fantasy football games against each other to spur us on, no telling him T.O. was with our Cowboys. Just not as much fun.

Now there are less of those times. I can drive by the hospital & not have to look the other way. I can think of him without tears welling up EVERY time. Now it's just once in awhile. I still get misty-eyed over soft hearted commercials or things my kids do I know he would enjoy. I still carry some things on my sleeve, but most of the time I have can keep my emotions in check. No one says I have to, no one has asked in a really long time how I'm doing with it, but the resolution & closure was inside me anyway. I've learned not to depend on the outside world, or even some close to you, to take care of you. That's best left to you & your God. He's the best caretaker anyway.

Sometimes when it's really quiet or I'm alone driving in the car, those times still hurt. Those quiet times when your life stops being so crazy & hectic and your brain & heart have time to talk to each other. Those conversations still hurt, but I'm not convinced that they won't always hurt.