I've been married coming up on 9 years this fall. I in no way claim to know it all or have all the answers to make a marriage perfect or even work. I just know what works for us & how we've kept it together. There's no secret, no magic word or phrase & I'm certain no perfect marriage out there. I'm always interested in how people's marriages look from the outside & then later on you find out something you never knew. Whether it's infidelity, lies or just plain unhappiness.
Amazing what you see isn't always what you get even in the marriages you "see" the most of.
Today I watched a little of Oprah. I rarely watch Oprah but I'll post the link because I truly did just watch a little of it. In case some of you saw it differently. I was sort of frustrated between bus comings & goings & phone calls I couldn't watch it all. It was a stirring episode for me. I'll preface this by saying what I heard may have been on track or not. I couldn't tell. But what it got going inside me is the point of this blog. Lance Armstrong’s ex-wife was on as well. She talked of trying to do it all & just be the happy wife. When she couldn’t keep up anymore she divorced him & is happily finding herself & making herself happy now. Whether Oprah & Dr. Robin meant it this way-this is what I gleaned & started me thinking.
Dr. Robin says marriages today are a lot of times built on lies. Lies to ourselves & the person we are marrying. Whether it's blindness by the carets on our fingers or to faults of the person we love, most of us go into marriage unaware we are doomed. Their point was we make vows or promises we can't keep or just about kill ourselves trying to. We die inside while trying to make the other person happy and supposedly loose our individual person. So when we aren’t happy or living this “lie”, we divorce so we can “find ourselves”. Women especially feel the need to be superwoman & do it all. And never say we can't or need help. Dr. Robin shared her story of marring her sweetheart "young" and then after 5 years she had “lost” herself & was so unhappy, they divorced. I did agree with her statements about being ourselves throughout marriage. How we need to stand up for ourselves. Essentially we know who we are or at the very least (depending how young you are) what you want when we marry. We just get lost in the "fairy tale" of marriage & forget to put forth our own views & opinions. The not upsetting the applecart theory. I agree with a lot of this, MOST of the time in society that it does happen this way.
This is where I may fall away from their points & got angry. And when I say angry I mean I was steamed. How dare you! How dare YOU who are divorced, you who don't want to be married because of the fear of restrictions it would place on yourself, tell ME how & why my trip to the altar could be based on lies. Now, I realize what a lot of you will say that saw the whole episode or see it "differently". This is where you tell me that Oprah is a wonderful world example & wonderful mentor to women everywhere is just trying to help & that there ARE a lot of women who marry thinking this way. That's fine, you can stop reading now. But my point & issue is with those of us who are Christian women in good marriages.
The following is a true soapbox rant.
I may have missed the boat on today's episode or the well meaning of it, but let me tell you why I'm steamed.
I may indeed not be the same person that married at 22 years old. I would say few are. That's life, see? That's what life DOES. It's purpose is to shape us & mold us-turn us to God, in my humble opinion.
So I have an opinion on issues, world & life values. As does any person, male or female-married or not. If you can't SPEAK your opinion to whether the drapes should be green or blue, or whether or not you like Chinese food, you probably can't stand up for yourself in the big issues like money, whether or not you want children & if you believe in spanking. I don't buy Oprah & Dr. Robin's excuse of the majority of us losing ourselves in marriage. She says we are afraid to upset the image we see & believe to be marriage. We do this until we "lose ourselves" and resent the other person & the institution of marriage & end it all in divorce.
I personally think this is a cop out & a load of crap. I know a lot of us have different ideas of what marriage will be going in, then what actually marrriage is. But come on! I'm sick of society thinking divorce at any sneeze, hiccup or burp is acceptable. Let’s HOPE you are at least adult enough to have a few conversations before you marry or even propose to that special someone about what you DO expect out of life & marriage. Let’s hope you aren’t stupid & really talk about how you grew up & how you want to see your kids raised. And for pity’s sake, let’s hope & pray you had a conversation about your faith, values & morals before you ever got the I Do’s out your mouth. If not, it’s YOUR own damn fault. You’re doing it to yourself & your marriage. Do you think the other person will read your mind & just assume you’re not being forthcoming & honest? I’d like to think MOST of us who love someone would assume & take for granted the other person in your marriage is being honest & straightforward about issues that matter. Isn’t that what marriage IS? The person that’s got the security code & clearance to have those discussions with you & know what you think on those all important issues?
So to sit & tell me we as women, are just letting ourselves get “lost” & not standing up for ourselves, is a bunch of BS. You as a woman, are allowing that to happen to yourself. YOU are doing it to YOU. Get it? Then you take the cop out of divorce because “he just doesn’t know me anymore”. Well how the heck could he?
Did you once talk about things that weren’t superficial? Did you just ask him what he wanted for dinner & not in the bedroom? Did you even think to ask if he’s HAPPY or what MAKES him happy? So your husband plays golf & he’s gone a lot. Stand up for yourself. Tell him that you’re okay with it most of the time, but not XYZ. Compromise! If you need time alone or without the kids, find yourself a sitter & make the time. Stop whining about it & just go. If it’s important & needs aren’t getting met, sit down, tell him how serious it is to you & MAKE it important. You might just hear some stuff back you had no idea he was thinking or feeling too. COMMUNICATE. You live together don’t you? Would you let a girlfriend get away with not knowing how you felt about something? Women are good at letting it bottle up & then exploding at the littlest thing later. Let it out like a pressure valve-a little at a time.
This IS what makes my marriage good. Oh yeah God has a hand in it, but the cheesy answer of communication is true. What do people think will happen? You’ll have a fight? An argument? So? That’s what happens in just about any relationship so why would it be different in marriage. You just have to be strong enough to forgive & get over the little things to see the big picture. I’m not calling women to unite & I’m not condemning Oprah & her army. But I’m sick of this issue being a Kleenex moment. Get over it. Stop having the pity party & stand up for yourself & your marriage. I just want it known, we as women wuss out a lot of times & it needs to stop. So marriage is hard. And? You think that diamond was free? You think those children are free? Heck no! You’re working for them baby! Working your way through your own life & marriage is a part of that. Just be glad you’ve got someone that’s on your team. The more I’m in the world today, I’m not so sure there’s anyone else out there rooting for me except my husband. So help each other out. You’re not there to just please yourself. (step down off soapbox)
I don’t want to sound like I don’t believe there are just causes for divorce, because I do. Or that all women are in a bad marriage. But that’s my point, stop being silent. Marriage is a good thing for those it’s meant for & we need as Christian Americans need to be much more “pro-marriage”. “Pro-keeping it together”. Stop thinking as a woman you can’t be yourself & happy AND be a mom. Do it. Do whatever it takes. Why can’t you? Who’s stopping you? You can have a life outside of being a mother. Like I said, I don’t claim to know what will make your marriage work. I have no secret key or magic word. For us, we communicate-we aren’t afraid to say ANYTHING to each other. We share the same faith, values & goals. And most importantly, before we ever got married we knew the D word wasn’t allowed here. And ya know what? We’ve never once needed to use it as a threat, question or way out. In my house we aren’t quitters & the blame game is not welcome. We do what works for us, but I in no way think that makes my marriage better or worse than yours. I just know what works for mine.
http://www2.oprah.com/index.jhtml
7 comments:
http://www.glamour.com/sexmen/feature/articles/2006/07/10/kristinarmstrong06may
The link above is to Kristin Armstrong's article in Glamor magazine that caught Oprah's attention.
After reading it, I think Ms. Armstrong pretty much agrees with Julie's take that communication is important before and during marriage for it to be successful.
"I became a prisoner to my own inability to say uncle when life squeezed me too hard. The warden was pride, and I remained in maximum security."
Now, it wouldn't surprise me if Dr. Robin and Oprah tried to spin this in a feminist way. Maybe they didn't. Ms. Armstrong was not advocating a "me-first" lifestyle, but stressing that a woman (or anyone) needs to be themselves to be happy. Maybe this was actually HELPFUL to Oprah, letting her know she can be herself and a dedicated spouse as long as she goes communicates her intentions.
Some people go into marriage thinking they can mold their spouse into a prince or princess. Others assume they landed a prince or princess and it's smooth sailing from there. Ms. Armstrong (and my lovely wife) agree the reality of marriage is that you have two individuals that shouldn't HAVE to change a lot for each other. Sure, there are some compromises to be made -- but not to the point where spouses are forced to become different people.
It didn't sound like Ms. Armstrong put a lot of thought into the idea of marriage or what it entailed before she agreed to it.
Divorce is WAY WAY WAY too easy in the United States. I'm not exactly sure why she had to bail out of her marriage in order to right her sense of self. That makes her look extremely selfish, but maybe that's just my take. Did Lance Armstrong say, "No, you can't be yourself."? I wonder if she regrets divorcing him.
As you said in your first paragraph, it's impossible to know everything that was going on behind the scenes in the Armstrongs' marriage (or anyone's, for that matter.) A marriage is a complex organism, and many of the divorces that I have been witness to as a close friend have been the culmination of multiple contributing forces on both sides. The problem rarely fits into a neat package with one cause or one solution.
I think you hit on the key, Julie, when you mentioned not allowing the "D" word to be countenanced in your marriage. That solid sense of commitment no matter what is what's missing in this era of throw-away marriages where feeling good is the highest moral authority.
There are a lot of resources out there, too, to help those who are stuck in destructive relationship patterns. Sometimes outside eyes see what's going on so much more clearly.
Sticking around is important, but so is not settling for less than what God wants your marriage to be, and we can all have that!
Right on, Jules!!! Wonder what Oprah's afraid of?
As an interested "outside" observer of many marriages that have worked and failed, it seems like a die-hard committment to making it work is a key ingredient.
I've seen friends throw it all away because they weren't happy, and I've seen those who are in it but ensure it's a miserable experience for all concerned because they refuse to communicate with their spouse.
Your words are really timely, Jules.
As a divorcee I know first hand how it feels to have failed- whether or not it was my own failure I'm not sure- I did lose myself in the ex and I did let him call the shots and that was my own weakness. But, for my part, even when I realized that things weren't going so well (about a month before we split) I knew that I was in it for life and I had better find a way to make things work- funny thing was I was totally focused on making him happy. I would fix his favorite meals, get up and fix him breakfast before he went off to work, bring him foot baths when he got home and sat in the recliner (also bringing his beer). My situation was unique in that he wanted me to be completly dependent and devoted but didn't want to feel smothered. Even when I knew he had cheated I was willing to do ANYTHING to work it out. A year later we reconciled briefly only (on my part) out of my commitment to marriage and my belief that I had to give it one more try if the chance was there. Of course it didn't work out and I am a much happier independent woman who truly knows herself and what she wants. All of that though, is a result of the divorce, not the cause of it.
Wendy
(Start Rant) Clearly, today we do not have the commentment shown to all of us by loving parents that have worked their way through their 50+ years of marriage. So, many have seen the easy way out and have been taught that this is the way life is and it is easier (for them) this way. I was taught that when I married is was for life and there is no question about it. If it gets tought, deal with it together and get stronger.
The new marrage vows for today should read:
I (fill in the blank) take you in only when you are health, for all the good times, for all your money until things get to hard or something better comes along.
Many do not want the sick times, the times that are not all fun and games, or when you have no money in the bank and have a pile of bills on the table. And a life time with someone well, that is just to long to be with only one person. There is no sicking together, no supporting each other in your marrige, no superglue that holds us together. And guess what, it is because we still are being selfish.
God should be the superglue that is there holding our marriges together. Through is love and our love for Him and each other this is nothing that can seperate us. We where made to be together with another person to help us be whole, but we can't be whole until we give ourselves full to God and our mate. (end rant)
Thanks for you insights into you life Jules. You pen what we are all feeling at times and somethings you share with us that we may never experience otherwise.
Jason
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