With Shade & Without Incendent

I've been up 14 hrs so bear with me if I ramble. I can feel myself loosing brain cells by the minute.

I took pictures of all his belongings I was taking to him. I kept thinking it must be like this when someone goes to jail. You keep a record of what they go in with.
I remember changing my earrings so I wasn't wearing dangly ones in case there was a fight & they got ripped out. Whether with Carson or HHT, I was prepared.
I was remembering the last transfer Carson did was in a police car in handcuffs the whole two hours.

I left at 6am with the Greenhorn DHS worker who had never done a transfer. And I'll be honest I was totally cynical and thinking, "Bring your coloring book and crayons chick, and you can sit in the backseat with Carson. I'll share his sippy cup and gummies with you."
And it turned out, she isn't as green as I had thought. A wonderful surprise & God-fearing ally.
 I like her. a 14 hr day together in a car will bond you.

We got to Rose Rock without incident and wouldn't you know it, they weren't ready for us.
Carson was ready--HHT had him packed up, but the very vital paperwork we needed that we could not get into Tahlequah with-- wasn't ready. The doctor hadn't filled it out.
Really hard to write 10 prescriptions I guess. We had to wait for her to get to work.
Of course, HHT passed that buck right to the doctor---I think as a paid, neuro-typical adult, perhaps you could have seen to that small detail in the week you've had to prepare OR maybe just before the close of the business day yesterday. Just a thought.
So we waited. An hour and a half total I think.
See HHT wanted us to come at 11:30am. We said no. Tahlequah said no. HHT says he had group to get through at 10am and couldn't possibly do it before 11:30.
I say, the reason is more likely that they get paid $400 a day for Carson, if he stays past noon. If he leaves before---zero dollah. 

I had this whole thing in my head I wanted to say to HHT. I wanted to go all Julia Sugarbaker of "Designing Women" on him.
Remember the Ray Don episode?????

I wanted to say how as a father of two, I really hoped his children were never put in a vulnerable position as my son was. And how if they were, I would  pray that they had caregivers, with more humanity, compassion and concern than he EVER showed for my son.
I wanted to say it and walk out of the room like Delta Burke. But the opportunity never arose.
However, I do believe what goes around comes around so I can relish in the delight that I will not ever have to deal with his sorry, disappointing soul again.

The crux of the trip was it went as well as could be expected. Carson got to sit in the shade. He had some snacks he loves. He watched his favorite movies and Greenhorn and I got to sing Veggie Tales with him. After his "birthday lunch" at McDonalds and his birthday chocolate chip cookies, he fell asleep the last 20 minutes of the trip. God gave us shade and no major issues with Carson or the vehicle. Prayers answered.

His new place has workers I like already. An ex-Marine who came to me & offered to wash Carson's bags of clothes and give him a shower. And a house mom we'll call Mrs. Garrett.
I wish I could tell you Carson was happy as a clam at his new place, but the reality is, even with his impaired knowledge of some of what is going on---he still understands a lot.
He wailed and weeped for about 45 minutes. Prostrate on his bed. Wailing with big crocodile tears.
I closed the door and sat stroking his back, trying to breathe around the huge lump in my throat. I couldn't cry. This was his turn. I sat rubbing his back, whispering to him every so often.
Even if your environment is filled with people who don't care as much as they should, or people who don't take care of you as they should--they are your normal after 2 years of living with them.
THEY are what you know.
THEY are who you recognize. Change is hard at any age. And to be completely alone in a new place without a soul you recognize or know---that's tough.

There are pros and cons here. The columns are tied for me. Am I happy--I wouldn't choose that word. I am satisfied. He is safe and in trusting hands.
But that doesn't change the cons. They still exist. Today was the first & last day I can be in that house or his room. I felt like this must be what a college mom sort of feels like.
I can call once a week and check in. I can bring things or take him out, but not go into the house or his room. Not snuggle on his bed or hold him when he cries. It's the HEPA laws that protects the other kids. The kids who have no parents to come & visit them.
Life is hard. Change is hard. Carson & I are survivors, but just because it's a better choice, doesn't mean it will come easy. We'll adjust. Just not quickly.