Hold to God's Unchanging Hand

 Change is happening.  And like it does more often than not, it's happening swiftly.
I was involved in an hour and a half conference call this afternoon, where about 10-12 of us involved with Carson 's case discussed & planned his discharge from Rose Rock Academy NEXT WEEK. 
And it looks like it's actually going to happen folks.

It will NOT be to Texas, and I've struggled for the few days I've known that. Really struggled.
Before you get all unicorns & rainbows on me about finding the happy in this whole thing---I see it.
Trust me, I see it vividly. I see that my child being safe is of the utmost importance. Yet with this knowledge of Carson moving out of RR, comes with new issues. New doesn't automatically mean better for him. There are still major issues that will be at play. One will be him being left there until he is 18 yrs old & will this transfer make him less likely to be moved out of state before he turns 18.
The number one thing in my head is, this was not my end goal. 
You don't play football to put field goals on the scoreboard. You play football to score touchdowns.
Seven point TD's. And this folks, is a field goal. You're still on the board, but you'd rather be ahead by 7 than 3 points. Know what I mean Vern?

Now, all that said--there is a great relief in him leaving RR. No more HHT!!! That right there makes me do a happy dance, I won't lie.
No more worrying about neglect. And most of all, once he leaves RR, the door is shut. No more going back & forth. They most likely will NEVER take him back. I will sleep easier with that knowledge. And to be frank, I take great pride in knowing this has happened so rapidly BECAUSE I filed my two child abuse claims on the bites on his arms in March & April. And the nail in the coffin was when I took him to the Children's Hospital  a few weeks ago and the social worker took pictures while the doctor filed charges against them. Rose Rock is DONE with me. Probably more than they are with Carson.
And that, I can live with.

I will go down to this group home in Tahlequah this next Tuesday  to set up his new room. Which is very surreal to even contemplate.
Then Thursday the 23rd, I will leave very early and head to OKC with the greenhorn DHS worker. We'll get him packed up, checked out. Next is the scary part---a 3-1/2 hr drive with him to Tahlequah. Then get him checked in, unpacked there. It will be an entirely all day process.
I'm dreading it in ways you can't even fathom. The last time I took a 2 hr trip with Carson, we ended up by the side of highway 36 in OKC where my day ended with 10 State Troopers, 2 OKC motorcycle cops, an ambulance, firetruck, a news crew I screamed at, and my son's feet and hands handcuffed. I really don't care to repeat that.

Change is scary is a lot of ways. Most of me is terrified and can't even fathom this being good change, but it is. All I can figure is, because I'm so competitive, because I've been so focused the past year on one thing, because I'm like a dog with bone for my child--this feels like I've lost. Like I'm settling. Like I didn't come through for him.
I know I did.
I did. Right?
I know this is better.
But God help me, I hate to settle.

"Time is filled with swift transition,
Naught of earth unmoved can stand,
Build your hopes on things eternal,
Hold to God’s unchanging hand. "

There's an old hymn I loved as a child, I thought of today after this conference call. It just popped into my head. I loooooved to hear my dad sing it at church. Sit next to him. He never sang loudly except in the car with our family, but I enjoyed his rumbly bass notes in this song.
I looked that hymn up today wondering why it jumped to mind. It was written by a woman who was turned invalid at the age of four years old being forever bound to a wheelchair and her bed.
 I like that the author had known a different than average life as a child.

"Trust in Him who will not leave you,
Whatsoever years may bring,
If by earthly friends forsaken
Still more closely to Him cling."

She turned to her love of poetry/music and began writing lyrics for songs & hymns. Once the lyrics to the song "Hold to God's Unchanging Hand" were written, Miss Jennie Wilson turned the words over to a songwriter.
So this man wrote the tune to this hymn I love, while sitting under a shade tree on his property, just west of Fort Worth in Palo Pinto County Texas.
 Discovering that, gave me a warmth in my soul. I felt it was God saying,
"Texas, I haven't counted y'all out yet."

"Build your hopes on things eternal,
Hold to God's unchanging hand."