I've been thinking about something that happened yesterday & thought I'd have a "thinking out loud" moment where you all could chime in on my random thoughts running in & out of my head.:)
I had what you might call a realization yesterday driving my son to school when he missed the bus. I thought I'd see what you all had to say on the subject. Maybe I was just in a dream state imagining things with this sinus infection in my head.
The youngest has taken a liking to an old Acapella tape of mine & so I play it to calm him down a lot. It's the "He Leadeth Me" album. (told you it was old) Of course those are mostly what I call "church songs" & oldies but goodies you hear less & less in services.
So, as we drove down the road, I hear my oldest son singing along with the tape. (yes it's so old it's a cassette tape) **Now, to clear this up, my sons haven't been to church on a regular basis in their lives because of their Autism. It's hit & miss for us & for years with the oldest, he'd balk at any NEW building & scream it down. When we do get to go, one or both of us is in the nursery or empty classroom because they aren't really nursery age & others don't know how to "babysit" them.**
Anyway, so he's singing along to the song "I'll Fly Away".
As many of you know the lyrics are:
"Some glad mornin' when this life is o'er, I'll fly away.
To a home on God's celestial shore, I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, oh glory, I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by, I'll fly away.
Just a few more weary days and then, I'll fly away.
To a home where joy shall never end, I'll fly away.
I'll fly away, oh glory, I'll fly away.
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by."
Now, he is almost 8yrs old. It sort of hit me, maybe because my father just died, but it struck me nonetheless, that he was singing about dying & death.
He of course only knows that Papa isn't here anymore & has gone to be an angel in heaven. He has no concept of heaven because his maturity isn't at a point where he can comprehend that yet. He gets upset when his characters die in his Star Wars computer game. That's about the extent of his experience with dying until now.
What it made me stop & think about was that as a kid being raised in the church, I guess I knew about death & dying way before my puppy died or my favorite aunt ,etc. Maybe I didn't realize it then, but don't you think there was some comfort there just from having heard the word before?? (singing about it in church) As a comprehending adult you understand the comfort of knowing where your loved one is, but as kid, do you really understand?
Think about all the songs we sang in church growing up....aren't they mostly about getting our ultimate reward as Christians? Heaven!
Even as kids we're taught heaven is a happy, good place & so do we make that connection to dying through songs like this?
My son was singing lyrics that his little photographic memory had just memorized & stored. I know that. Could have been Mary Had a Little Lamb. But how startling it was to hear such words come out of his mouth. "When I die hallelujah by & by". Maybe it's his Autism, but he seems to be less threatened (for lack of a better word) by change if he's familiar with the word & has heard it or been told before hand about something. I guess we're all that way to an extent.
He HAS taken my dad's death really well. Doesn't ask or pretend not to know or understand. Yes with kids, there is a little bit of out of sight out of mind, but not this kid. He remembers EVERYTHING & recalls it when you least expect it. I'm even more convinced now that he understands more than the rest of us probably do.
SO I guess my question is, does being raised going to church & singing like songs make us BETTER prepared for understanding death & being "okay" with it??
** I'm going to go make another cup of coffee, ya'll talk amongst yourselves.;)
Friday, March 03, 2006
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Sprinkles of OCD In My Life
Living with two Autistic children both at very different spots on the spectrum, means some interesting conversations & debates of power at our house.
My oldest son (will turn 8yrs old next month) is what is known as high-functioning but still did not talk until he was 4 yrs old.
My youngest son is 5 1/2 yrs now and displays more but not all of the classic Autistic symptoms. He still isn't forming sentences. His words he uses are on a 12 month old level or lower. At 55 lbs that's fun, let me tell ya.:)
This said, my oldest son is the one with more of the
Obsessive Complusive Disorder issues.
Most of the time I know as any parent of ANY child knows, to pick my battles.
Because of the Autism issues in our home, my husband's personality & the grace of God bestowed upon me, we're a pretty laid back household.
However, like any non-perfect person/mom, I get very frustrated by the millions of times a day I say "NO!" or "Don't sass me!".
We have all the same issues you have at your house with your kids, and then a few others sprinkled in.
I thought I'd let you see those "sprinkles" and maybe taste life at the "Smith" house.;)
Typical day of OCD & other Autistic moments: ***Please remember these happen EVERY day, rain or shine!**
*8 yr old has to say "Good Morning!" and be responded to in same manner before he can talk to you about anything else.
*He must help me make coffee-has to put in the filter in the basket, dump in the scoop of coffee, WATCH me add water, then LOOK into the water part to say it's "beautiful", then & only then can he turn it on.
He then gets spoon while I add sugar & creamer to my cup & when the coffee is done, he has to turn it off, and get a spoon full out of the cup, while I pour in coffee, then he can add his spoonful. And then the most important part, I must say (exact words) "Thank you for helping me make my coffee."
-sometimes Teddy Bear helps us & has to receive the same compliment!
*pack the exact same three things for lunch every day in 8 yr old's backpack
*every time the 8 yr old goes to restroom he has to count to 8 before he can flush the potty
*have the same routine to get on & off the bus (certian words & rituals that take about 5 min total)
* has to sit in the same spot on bus everyday
* only mommy can get him ON/OFF the bus-somtimes daddy can "help"
*must have mostly red colored items to drink out of, write with, or sit in
*if I log onto computer, he has to launch email & internet for me & gets VERY upset if he doesn't log onto my bulletin boards FOR me in a certian order of course
*if you give him a bath, must rinse hair 8 times before it's completed
*jackets & coats have to be zipped up to the TOP of the item & stay that way
* if going anywhere in the car there is a whole OCD routine of he has to be first one in the car, has to be buckled in before his brother, has to use "clicker" & push garage door opener at same time you start car, AFTER counting to 8
*certian toys ONLY go in the car & have to be present to even be MOVING in the car
*only certian french fries are acceptable to eat; in order of importance: McDonalds, Arbys & Carl's Jr.
*only Strawberry Starfruit & Strawberry Kiwi kool-aids are acceptable drinks-
unless it's lunch where Strawberry Kiwi Capri-Suns are allowed (and of course pop is always welcomed)
*bedtime holds a nice routine all it's own & thank goodness is more daddy's time-after tucking him in bed, daddy must kiss him on the lips & tummy (we're having a baby ) and then kiss Elmo & Teddy Bear is same manner. Then mommy gets kisses along with baby brother in my tummy.(where he got idea)
Then you have to say good-night to daddy over & over until he can't be seen anymore. Otherwise, you gotta come back & start over.
(sigh!) I know this sounds like indulging & quite honestly some of it is. There ARE times we be the parent & put our foot down & say "NO". But there are reasons to avoid "meltdowns" that result from not adhereing to the
OCD rules. And most of the time, it's all because we just don't have the energy to fight it. If you lived here, I bet you wouldn't either.
After all, everyone has a little sprinkle of OCD in them too.:)
My oldest son (will turn 8yrs old next month) is what is known as high-functioning but still did not talk until he was 4 yrs old.
My youngest son is 5 1/2 yrs now and displays more but not all of the classic Autistic symptoms. He still isn't forming sentences. His words he uses are on a 12 month old level or lower. At 55 lbs that's fun, let me tell ya.:)
This said, my oldest son is the one with more of the
Obsessive Complusive Disorder issues.
Most of the time I know as any parent of ANY child knows, to pick my battles.
Because of the Autism issues in our home, my husband's personality & the grace of God bestowed upon me, we're a pretty laid back household.
However, like any non-perfect person/mom, I get very frustrated by the millions of times a day I say "NO!" or "Don't sass me!".
We have all the same issues you have at your house with your kids, and then a few others sprinkled in.
I thought I'd let you see those "sprinkles" and maybe taste life at the "Smith" house.;)
Typical day of OCD & other Autistic moments: ***Please remember these happen EVERY day, rain or shine!**
*8 yr old has to say "Good Morning!" and be responded to in same manner before he can talk to you about anything else.
*He must help me make coffee-has to put in the filter in the basket, dump in the scoop of coffee, WATCH me add water, then LOOK into the water part to say it's "beautiful", then & only then can he turn it on.
He then gets spoon while I add sugar & creamer to my cup & when the coffee is done, he has to turn it off, and get a spoon full out of the cup, while I pour in coffee, then he can add his spoonful. And then the most important part, I must say (exact words) "Thank you for helping me make my coffee."
-sometimes Teddy Bear helps us & has to receive the same compliment!
*pack the exact same three things for lunch every day in 8 yr old's backpack
*every time the 8 yr old goes to restroom he has to count to 8 before he can flush the potty
*have the same routine to get on & off the bus (certian words & rituals that take about 5 min total)
* has to sit in the same spot on bus everyday
* only mommy can get him ON/OFF the bus-somtimes daddy can "help"
*must have mostly red colored items to drink out of, write with, or sit in
*if I log onto computer, he has to launch email & internet for me & gets VERY upset if he doesn't log onto my bulletin boards FOR me in a certian order of course
*if you give him a bath, must rinse hair 8 times before it's completed
*jackets & coats have to be zipped up to the TOP of the item & stay that way
* if going anywhere in the car there is a whole OCD routine of he has to be first one in the car, has to be buckled in before his brother, has to use "clicker" & push garage door opener at same time you start car, AFTER counting to 8
*certian toys ONLY go in the car & have to be present to even be MOVING in the car
*only certian french fries are acceptable to eat; in order of importance: McDonalds, Arbys & Carl's Jr.
*only Strawberry Starfruit & Strawberry Kiwi kool-aids are acceptable drinks-
unless it's lunch where Strawberry Kiwi Capri-Suns are allowed (and of course pop is always welcomed)
*bedtime holds a nice routine all it's own & thank goodness is more daddy's time-after tucking him in bed, daddy must kiss him on the lips & tummy (we're having a baby ) and then kiss Elmo & Teddy Bear is same manner. Then mommy gets kisses along with baby brother in my tummy.(where he got idea)
Then you have to say good-night to daddy over & over until he can't be seen anymore. Otherwise, you gotta come back & start over.
(sigh!) I know this sounds like indulging & quite honestly some of it is. There ARE times we be the parent & put our foot down & say "NO". But there are reasons to avoid "meltdowns" that result from not adhereing to the
OCD rules. And most of the time, it's all because we just don't have the energy to fight it. If you lived here, I bet you wouldn't either.
After all, everyone has a little sprinkle of OCD in them too.:)
Monday, February 27, 2006
It's the Little Things
I just cleaned out my garage....or rearranged the clutter if I'm being totally honest. Just making more paths than were there before.
Part of it is the nesting thing of pregnancy but it really did need to be done.
As I cleaned, rearranged & moved the clutter from one side to the other, I became increasingly aggravated.
Time for a really personal question...
Does your husband KEEP things? I mean not just old trophies or a million t-shirts that no longer fit, but "THINGS"?? (That's a polite word for "CRAP!")
Every so often I get SOOOOOOO aggravated I have to clean out drawers & shelves & places where he's hidden said "things=crap".
I'm talking Mc Donalds monopoly pieces....the paper ones! He keeps those till the next year, never bothering to check the expiration date. I knock them off every time I go to put something on the key shelf! ARGH!
Right now it's Pepsi caps and the whole stupid bottle! Because the label has something on it he needs. Now, a woman would not try to keep the WHOLE bottle, would we?? NO! We'd cut off the label & take the cap off & stick them both in a snack size ziplock tucked neatly away in it's own little corner of the junk drawer. (Some wives would make a note on the calender of when the contest expired.)
Oh but no! Let's try & find a spot to balance three or four 20 oz Pepsi bottles that we're SAVING! ARGH!!!!
This weekend I could actually laugh one off. Okay, sort of but not really.
We had a baby shower & after bringing home all the gifts & emptying them from their gift bags, I thought about whether or not to keep the bags. I decided that since the garage was tight enough on space, roaches LOVE paper products & I hardly have the need arise to use 39 baby boy (1 baby girl) gift sacks, I'd THROW THEM AWAY.
I should never have opened my big mouth to have him "help" me look for one missing baby sock! He started in the trash bag. Ohhh ho ho! You'd have thought I threw the Heisman trophy out!!! Geez!
This incident resulted in him going through my trash bag & taking out EVERY gift bag & looking them over & folding them together to put in one giant bag.
Such incident also included plenty of exclamations of disgust & disbelief at me that I could throw away such beloved "THINGS". I truly expected him somehow to weave into his monologue something concerning starving children in Africa & how THEY would know to keep said "THINGS".
And of course you know what else he found with the countless gift sacks in the trash bag......you guessed it! TISSUE PAPER!!!!
As he began to smooth each piece, I slowly moved toward him ready to suffocate him with the one baby girl sack. He moved too quickly (I AM 9 months pregnant) but did stop smoothing & agree to throw the tissue paper away finally. He tried to cover it like it was all a joke, but I think that's because the hormones gleaming in my eyes scared him just a smidge.
Part of it is the nesting thing of pregnancy but it really did need to be done.
As I cleaned, rearranged & moved the clutter from one side to the other, I became increasingly aggravated.
Time for a really personal question...
Does your husband KEEP things? I mean not just old trophies or a million t-shirts that no longer fit, but "THINGS"?? (That's a polite word for "CRAP!")
Every so often I get SOOOOOOO aggravated I have to clean out drawers & shelves & places where he's hidden said "things=crap".
I'm talking Mc Donalds monopoly pieces....the paper ones! He keeps those till the next year, never bothering to check the expiration date. I knock them off every time I go to put something on the key shelf! ARGH!
Right now it's Pepsi caps and the whole stupid bottle! Because the label has something on it he needs. Now, a woman would not try to keep the WHOLE bottle, would we?? NO! We'd cut off the label & take the cap off & stick them both in a snack size ziplock tucked neatly away in it's own little corner of the junk drawer. (Some wives would make a note on the calender of when the contest expired.)
Oh but no! Let's try & find a spot to balance three or four 20 oz Pepsi bottles that we're SAVING! ARGH!!!!
This weekend I could actually laugh one off. Okay, sort of but not really.
We had a baby shower & after bringing home all the gifts & emptying them from their gift bags, I thought about whether or not to keep the bags. I decided that since the garage was tight enough on space, roaches LOVE paper products & I hardly have the need arise to use 39 baby boy (1 baby girl) gift sacks, I'd THROW THEM AWAY.
I should never have opened my big mouth to have him "help" me look for one missing baby sock! He started in the trash bag. Ohhh ho ho! You'd have thought I threw the Heisman trophy out!!! Geez!
This incident resulted in him going through my trash bag & taking out EVERY gift bag & looking them over & folding them together to put in one giant bag.
Such incident also included plenty of exclamations of disgust & disbelief at me that I could throw away such beloved "THINGS". I truly expected him somehow to weave into his monologue something concerning starving children in Africa & how THEY would know to keep said "THINGS".
And of course you know what else he found with the countless gift sacks in the trash bag......you guessed it! TISSUE PAPER!!!!
As he began to smooth each piece, I slowly moved toward him ready to suffocate him with the one baby girl sack. He moved too quickly (I AM 9 months pregnant) but did stop smoothing & agree to throw the tissue paper away finally. He tried to cover it like it was all a joke, but I think that's because the hormones gleaming in my eyes scared him just a smidge.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Who's Your Barnabas?
I remember hearing someone speak on this topic at church camp one year.
"Who's Your Barnabas?"- as in, who encourages you.
Barnabas has to be pretty important to make the Bible. God saw him worthy to tell us about. Encouragement must be something we as Christians need that we may not have realized had He not showed us such a firm example. (of course I'm just guessing here)
You'll find his story beginning in Acts 4:36. He's mentioned often in the book of Acts. And yet people often don't know his given name. Why? Because he lived to serve others. His given name was Joseph, but the Christians nicknamed him "Barnabas" because it meant "son of encouragement". Barnabas came alongside people in times of challenge and helped them. ( Acts 9:10-28, Acts 15:36-39)
If it wasn't for Barnabas, Saul may never have made his transition to Paul.
I have a lot of people who have encouraged me over my young (no snickering!)lifetime. I remember Sheila Childers as one. She seemed to be so focused on the Lord & have her spiritual life VERY together. In college, she found out she had a brain tumor & almost died. But she's very much alive & healthy today. God saw her through her brain tumor. I remember her telling me it wasn't something she could face & had no idea how to deal with. This floored me. I mean, she was really IN the Word & I thought had a lot of answers to life I hadn't even begun to glean yet. This is when I started to realize everyone's Christian walks are in essence the same. No matter what we see in each other's walks, we all ebb & flow like a tide. No one Christian has all the answers & no one Christian can ever obtain ALL the answers. We all live to devour the Word of God & strive to be as close to Jesus & perfect we can. And I personally believe when faced with TRUE struggles of life, you either (as a Christian) grow closer to God or push him further away.
But back to my point. Barnabas was an encourager.
I've had a couple through college. Wendall my roomate was one. Most people didn't know her like I did. She helped me through a lot of growing up times, but more importantly were the talks about our spritual lives, the devos, & the prayer group meetings. We had a wonderful bunch of encouragers in that group. Val Bunner & Melody San Juan being two huge ones. And our other roomate Tracy Rimer. Tracy encouraged anyone she was around. There was no end to the countless encouragement I got from Tracy & Wendall.
Everyone KNOWS a person with an encouraging personality. They are those happy people we all love to hate.:)LOL But I'm talking about people who give you pause. People who don't even KNOW what they give others. There is something to be said for the happy people of the world, but the encouragers are in a category ALL to themselves.
I have had a rough month & look forward to Febuary being OVER. I am looking VERY forward to March & the new beginings it holds. My best friend Kim has given me plenty of encouragement & just listened to me talk through everything the past couple of weeks. My sister-in-laws are two of the best encouragers I have ever known. They know just what to say & when to say it. Sometimes that is priceless because you don't have words for yourself.
My most recent Barnabas came into my life about 8 yrs back. He's a pretty strong person & we've weathered A LOT together. I can't even begin to tell you what all. But it made us stronger, better people. One of the reasons I could move on & go on with life after all these set backs & hurdles we've had, is because he's been there being my Barnabas. I think part of the secret to being a Barnabas, is that you never see yourself as one.
"Who's Your Barnabas?"- as in, who encourages you.
Barnabas has to be pretty important to make the Bible. God saw him worthy to tell us about. Encouragement must be something we as Christians need that we may not have realized had He not showed us such a firm example. (of course I'm just guessing here)
You'll find his story beginning in Acts 4:36. He's mentioned often in the book of Acts. And yet people often don't know his given name. Why? Because he lived to serve others. His given name was Joseph, but the Christians nicknamed him "Barnabas" because it meant "son of encouragement". Barnabas came alongside people in times of challenge and helped them. ( Acts 9:10-28, Acts 15:36-39)
If it wasn't for Barnabas, Saul may never have made his transition to Paul.
I have a lot of people who have encouraged me over my young (no snickering!)lifetime. I remember Sheila Childers as one. She seemed to be so focused on the Lord & have her spiritual life VERY together. In college, she found out she had a brain tumor & almost died. But she's very much alive & healthy today. God saw her through her brain tumor. I remember her telling me it wasn't something she could face & had no idea how to deal with. This floored me. I mean, she was really IN the Word & I thought had a lot of answers to life I hadn't even begun to glean yet. This is when I started to realize everyone's Christian walks are in essence the same. No matter what we see in each other's walks, we all ebb & flow like a tide. No one Christian has all the answers & no one Christian can ever obtain ALL the answers. We all live to devour the Word of God & strive to be as close to Jesus & perfect we can. And I personally believe when faced with TRUE struggles of life, you either (as a Christian) grow closer to God or push him further away.
But back to my point. Barnabas was an encourager.
I've had a couple through college. Wendall my roomate was one. Most people didn't know her like I did. She helped me through a lot of growing up times, but more importantly were the talks about our spritual lives, the devos, & the prayer group meetings. We had a wonderful bunch of encouragers in that group. Val Bunner & Melody San Juan being two huge ones. And our other roomate Tracy Rimer. Tracy encouraged anyone she was around. There was no end to the countless encouragement I got from Tracy & Wendall.
Everyone KNOWS a person with an encouraging personality. They are those happy people we all love to hate.:)LOL But I'm talking about people who give you pause. People who don't even KNOW what they give others. There is something to be said for the happy people of the world, but the encouragers are in a category ALL to themselves.
I have had a rough month & look forward to Febuary being OVER. I am looking VERY forward to March & the new beginings it holds. My best friend Kim has given me plenty of encouragement & just listened to me talk through everything the past couple of weeks. My sister-in-laws are two of the best encouragers I have ever known. They know just what to say & when to say it. Sometimes that is priceless because you don't have words for yourself.
My most recent Barnabas came into my life about 8 yrs back. He's a pretty strong person & we've weathered A LOT together. I can't even begin to tell you what all. But it made us stronger, better people. One of the reasons I could move on & go on with life after all these set backs & hurdles we've had, is because he's been there being my Barnabas. I think part of the secret to being a Barnabas, is that you never see yourself as one.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Is There Any Such Thing As Time Alone?
Really?! Because I haven't found it! I mean I know it's here somewhere. I used to be the QUEEN OF TIME ALONE. Being the only girl in the house (besides the dog) I get the royal treatment most times I complain about wanting to lock the door to the bathroom & perform beauty rituals. Or when I want to leave the house & spend time with some other breathing, living adults that don't include the mailman & someone ONLINE. (no offense) Now I can't remember where the DEFCON 4 button is to push to let them know I'm SERIOUS. GET AWAY.
It's been cold & icy here so we've had to be IN all weekend. That normally is how I SPEND my weekends. On purpose. I hate going to the grocery store...and yes, that makes me old.
Somehow being MADE to stay inside, with children that are made to stay inside, is worse than going to the dentist.
At least one child had to be sitting on my lap at all times & this does not count the one already there attached by umbillical cord.
I felt like I couldn't pee alone or go into the kitchen without having to retrieve a million things for someone else only to forget what I went in there for myself.
I can not use the computer without one child needing to silently HOVER like the Airwolf helicopter waiting to swoop down on any button he might miss pushing on the computer as I post comments etc. I swear he listens to when I'm done typing so he can say for the millionth time, " Are you done? Is it my turn yet?"
Another one can't keep his hands away from any food or drink I have. Just once I'd like to drink a Dr Pepper (my source of energy for my day) without having the straw chewed on, or particlesof goldfish left behind on it. OR the ultimate, getting ready to take a drink only to find I'm making that dry sucking straw noise! ARGH!!!!!!
I can't remember the last time I slept in, but I can tell you the last time everyone in my family did. I have a list a mile long needing to get "accomplished" by the time this baby gets here, but where the time comes from to DO those thing.....don't know, maybe it will appear out of thin air or most likely when I'm NOT sleeping in!
I am thankful for my family, but if they don't leave me alone soon, I may run away. To a galaxy far, far away. (shhh don't tell them, at least two of them know where that is)
It's been cold & icy here so we've had to be IN all weekend. That normally is how I SPEND my weekends. On purpose. I hate going to the grocery store...and yes, that makes me old.
Somehow being MADE to stay inside, with children that are made to stay inside, is worse than going to the dentist.
At least one child had to be sitting on my lap at all times & this does not count the one already there attached by umbillical cord.
I felt like I couldn't pee alone or go into the kitchen without having to retrieve a million things for someone else only to forget what I went in there for myself.
I can not use the computer without one child needing to silently HOVER like the Airwolf helicopter waiting to swoop down on any button he might miss pushing on the computer as I post comments etc. I swear he listens to when I'm done typing so he can say for the millionth time, " Are you done? Is it my turn yet?"
Another one can't keep his hands away from any food or drink I have. Just once I'd like to drink a Dr Pepper (my source of energy for my day) without having the straw chewed on, or particlesof goldfish left behind on it. OR the ultimate, getting ready to take a drink only to find I'm making that dry sucking straw noise! ARGH!!!!!!
I can't remember the last time I slept in, but I can tell you the last time everyone in my family did. I have a list a mile long needing to get "accomplished" by the time this baby gets here, but where the time comes from to DO those thing.....don't know, maybe it will appear out of thin air or most likely when I'm NOT sleeping in!
I am thankful for my family, but if they don't leave me alone soon, I may run away. To a galaxy far, far away. (shhh don't tell them, at least two of them know where that is)
Thursday, February 16, 2006
the center aisle
You know, that center aisle at church? It has many uses. You can find your seat before services start. You can also chase a screaming child back down it during servies on the way to the bathroom to beat their hiney.(at least my mom did)
Some come forward to use it to ask for prayers & comfort.
You can walk down it at the end of the invitation to come to know Christ & put him on in baptism.
I walked down it when I got married to the most wonderful man in the world.
Yesterday I had the realization that I just walked that same center aisle in front of a lot of the same people, with the same feeling of everyone looking at you, at my father's funeral. No, no, listen to me. The same buidling. That very SAME center aisle my father walked me down to leave me in the hands of my love, my husband. What's the saying? He "gave me away"? Yesterday I guess was me giving him away- back to God.
I don't know a lot of my father's feelings on my wedding day. I'm sure he was pained, even though he loved my husband as much as he loved me. But my pain yesterday was pretty strong. I guess most all of the emotions coming down that center aisle, are pretty strong.
Some come forward to use it to ask for prayers & comfort.
You can walk down it at the end of the invitation to come to know Christ & put him on in baptism.
I walked down it when I got married to the most wonderful man in the world.
Yesterday I had the realization that I just walked that same center aisle in front of a lot of the same people, with the same feeling of everyone looking at you, at my father's funeral. No, no, listen to me. The same buidling. That very SAME center aisle my father walked me down to leave me in the hands of my love, my husband. What's the saying? He "gave me away"? Yesterday I guess was me giving him away- back to God.
I don't know a lot of my father's feelings on my wedding day. I'm sure he was pained, even though he loved my husband as much as he loved me. But my pain yesterday was pretty strong. I guess most all of the emotions coming down that center aisle, are pretty strong.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Have you ever seen that fine line?
The one that's between love & death? I think I saw it this week. My father is dying as I write this. He has pulmonary fibrosis. It's been less than a year he's had the diagnosis & less then three weeks he's been getting substantially worse.
Now as of last night, he seems to have days to live.
It's been a lot to take in, let alone the past week & not knowing if it was days or weeks or months he'd live.
There have been many thoughts in my head, most selfish, some not.
But I've come to the conclusion with much help, that love & death aren't so far off from one another.
Have you ever loved someone and been cast aside by them? Pushed out of the relationship, not given any choice but them leaving? I was. It hurt but I remember the moment I started the recovery of being "dumped".
You can't make someone love you or stay with you in that relationship.
Oh, I think we all can say we gave it a good try. But essentially, it's all up to them, the dump-er.
A loved one dying can cause a lot of those same emotions to come out. You love them so much it hurts. You want to fix anything & everything possible. Something in your mind says you can make it all better, you just need to find out what IT is.
Then it happens. The realization, the dawning, that you can't. No matter how hard you try, you can't make them stay. And you can't will them to live or even want to. You aren't in control of that love or when it can leave you.
God has had control all along.
I think that's what helped most the past couple days. Figuring out that I've been through this before in another form. There isn't a handbook given out on the exact way to handle a parent dying. But knowing I had "play" to refer back to out of my life experience handbook, really makes it somehow a little eaiser.
It's essentially the same sick feeling of knowing no matter how much you wish it so, they aren't staying. So be in love enough with that person, to set them free.
Keep them in your heart forever, just realize you can't hang on. They won't.
I'm in love with my dad. He's the strongest man I've ever known. Yet I have to be the strongest I've ever been to turn around & let go. I don't want to, but I can't make him stay. And I realize now, all those emotions I couldn't understand or know what to do with, just feeling edgy & frantic about what DO I DO? That's what I was wanting more than anything. To fix IT.
Dying & love have a lot in common. The number one thing being, nothing's FAIR in either case.
Now as of last night, he seems to have days to live.
It's been a lot to take in, let alone the past week & not knowing if it was days or weeks or months he'd live.
There have been many thoughts in my head, most selfish, some not.
But I've come to the conclusion with much help, that love & death aren't so far off from one another.
Have you ever loved someone and been cast aside by them? Pushed out of the relationship, not given any choice but them leaving? I was. It hurt but I remember the moment I started the recovery of being "dumped".
You can't make someone love you or stay with you in that relationship.
Oh, I think we all can say we gave it a good try. But essentially, it's all up to them, the dump-er.
A loved one dying can cause a lot of those same emotions to come out. You love them so much it hurts. You want to fix anything & everything possible. Something in your mind says you can make it all better, you just need to find out what IT is.
Then it happens. The realization, the dawning, that you can't. No matter how hard you try, you can't make them stay. And you can't will them to live or even want to. You aren't in control of that love or when it can leave you.
God has had control all along.
I think that's what helped most the past couple days. Figuring out that I've been through this before in another form. There isn't a handbook given out on the exact way to handle a parent dying. But knowing I had "play" to refer back to out of my life experience handbook, really makes it somehow a little eaiser.
It's essentially the same sick feeling of knowing no matter how much you wish it so, they aren't staying. So be in love enough with that person, to set them free.
Keep them in your heart forever, just realize you can't hang on. They won't.
I'm in love with my dad. He's the strongest man I've ever known. Yet I have to be the strongest I've ever been to turn around & let go. I don't want to, but I can't make him stay. And I realize now, all those emotions I couldn't understand or know what to do with, just feeling edgy & frantic about what DO I DO? That's what I was wanting more than anything. To fix IT.
Dying & love have a lot in common. The number one thing being, nothing's FAIR in either case.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Why I Choose the Title I Did
Okay, so maybe not exactly WISDOM in the sense of the word you're thinking. Maybe just things I've come to understand better or helped me comprehend life in an easier way. Being the mother of two Autistic sons, I've come to realize I probably parent a little different than the average person. And even though I can claim a BA in Child Development, I don't know that I really have used any of that knowledge to rule my roost.It all seems to come gradually & as needed to me in pearls of wisdom. A lot from God & some from my children themselves. I rediscover myself with every pearl that "drops" my way & I can only share those so I don't go insane.
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