Messy Hair, Messy Life

                                         50 days since I have seen my favorite 15 year old.

In those 50 days Tahlequah has stopped some meds, and started others. Some I don't agree with at all--like the drug they give alcoholics so if they drink they'll vomit. He has sent FIVE of their staff to the hospital. Yes five. Carson has been to the ER three times.He's been banned from the psychiatrist's office. Tahlequah has put up two staff in hotels for extended periods of time to bring in extra staffing. That's a lot for them and for him in 50 days.
So today, this is how I found my baby.

Barefoot, outside, swinging like he loves. But he was so sad.
He hadn't had a shower. He had messy, greasy hair & his shirt was inside out.
This is how he greeted me.

He is my "we". We are so tired. We are so tired of fighting everyone. We are so tired of being in survival mode. And we are so very tired of the stress of not being able to fix this.

Change is hard even under the best of circumstances.  I explained to Son#1 like this:
It has taken you (Jack) almost 30 days since starting school to be okay with your schedule, new teachers/aides, new classroom, new bus driver & route.
Carson has been in Tahlequah 50 days. After being at RoseRock almost 1,095 days/3yrs.
This is a new place, new people, new routine, new rules, new schedule and new room.
I hate that it's taking Car-Car this long to settle down, but I don't think we can say that's ridiculous.

When you can't tell someone you have a headache, there's a smell you don't like, that your elbow hurts--don't touch you there, that you're scared or you don't want to eat fish sticks--you want Whataburger---there's gonna be frustration at your lack of control.  And it's going to manifest itself in a variety of ways. A lot of them not-so-pretty ways.

Just when I think as a mom that there can't possibly be many more of these Mt.Olympus sized hurdles left, there are.
This one is waiting for him to find his rhythm and settle into the newness of it all. With my hands tied. Waiting. Without a true direction to turn towards other than my faith. Waiting for when I hear the direction I need to be moving.

I've lost my sense of direction in this fight. Just trying to survive day-to-day and not think about my lack of control. I am quite aware and have been for some time that I have no real control & I'm usually fine with that. It's why I can seem so removed.
However, right now, my lack of participation is wearing on me. I'm a do-er. I don't sit and I don't dawdle. With school starting and the slew of other normal people issues, I am floating in my boat and I can't hear much over the loud waves. I'm slowly regaining my focus. It's taken a lot. Six days without leaving the house. Letting myself not answer the phone or texts when I just don't have the energy to deal with anyone elses stuff other than my own. To just concentrate on taking care of the brothers.  And me. I have benched myself. Trying to rest The Julie. Trying to take care of me a little more, so that I can come back & fight another day.  It's what Carson and I both need---rest.