Wednesday, June 17, 2015

The Lone Ranger & Tonto

( This first part may seem like rehash if you've followed the saga that is Carson's life, but bear with me--there's a tiny twist.)
 The last time we were at court the judge issued a court order for son#2 to see a medical doctor outside of his residential treatment facility. This was because his facility has been lying since March about the treatment of his wounds on his arms from March & April.
After two court orders to provide his medical records as proof he DID in fact see a doctor--not just the psychiatrist on staff--when we went to court last week, the judge had a copy.
Now the court order said Carson's attorney, our attorney, the judge & DHS should all receive Carson's full medical records.
The judge made copies for us all from hers.
By the time I got home that day, the DHS worker called to say she read through his medical records and had NOT in fact seen a doctor outside of Rose Rock.
Now, fast forward to today, where I took a copy of those records with me when I came to take Carson to see a doctor.

After 10 days of me trying to get an appointment with a doctor in OKC for Carson, because no one else had time (You know I have an abundance. Just buckets full.)
DHS finally stepped in & called the doctor and was told we should just take him to urgent care/ER at OU Children's Hospital. I was told this yesterday at 4pm.
So within 12 hrs I had left my house at dark to head to OKC.  DHS had informed HHT **see previous posts for a thorough explanation of what a HHT is or to discover one near you** 
that I would be picking up Carson no later than 8am, and he better be ready to go--he had an appointment off campus I would be taking him to. And our new DHS worker couldn't arrive until 9:30am. The Lone Ranger rides again!!!!!
Amazing how I can do all the "work" stuff for everybody, yet share custody with the state of OK and receive no paycheck.

Ol' Silver and I found our way to the ER at OU Children's which is conveniently 10 mins down the road from Rose Rock, while Tonto ate his cereal happily in the backseat. We check in, right back to a room and I could NOT have asked him to behave any better for me. Which is good since he's 5'7 and weighs 138 now.
I showed anyone who would look old pictures, recent pictures, and obviously the doctor gave him a once over in person all nakey.
She decided to call in the "Abuse Team". I agreed, however the Abuse Team a.k.a. The Justice League, was in a meeting and would be down to see us in 30-45 mins. We wait Kemosabe.

Enter new DHS worker. Good timing to get there when all the fun stuff is about to go down. Why is she here again??
Well, anyway, I like her. She's young. I can mold her. I can teach her. She's a little scared of me.
I like it.
I was friendly but not overly so. Keep the fear intact. I want her a little unsure of what I'll do. Keep her on her toes till I break her in and feel I can trust her.

The Justice League was led by Doctor Brown who I liked IMMENSELY after watching how he talked to Carson--actually the entire staff treated him very well & I only had to tell them things once. We totally got each other and Dr. Brown was not impressed with Rose Rock's "care" of my baby.
DHS worker pipes up, that Rose Rock is currently under an OCA (Office of Client Advocacy) investigation. SCORE!!!!!!!!!!!
They took pictures--Carson also had a green, big, bruise in the middle of his back--and checked him from tip to tail. Even a black hole/puncture mark on his thigh that looks like someone stabbed him with a mechanical pencil. I first found it Memorial day. Still there. Heaven only knows.

Dr. Brown decided on Clindamycian--an oral antibiotic used usually for MRSA/staph infections.
And Bactroban distributed by these super cool giant nicotine looking patches that fit over Carson's arms/wounds. The unusual features about the patches are, they contain SILVER to promote faster healing in burns. And since we have no real definitive proof of how the wounds on his left arm originated, he felt like this would cover all bases. The other cool feature is these patches stay put for a very long time. But should you NEED to pull them off, they will remain sticky to re-apply like say, after a shower. Pretty nifty stuff. Oh and they keep him from being able to pick at his arms.

Dr. Brown & The Justice League are also filing a CH-25 I think he said--don't quote me on that lingo. Which he told me boils down to filing charges of" medical neglect" and "lack of supervision" against the facility caring for Carson. 
SCORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In an attempt to be fair, I will tell you Rose Rock has been applying Bactroban for the past few weeks--how often, I couldn't say. I'd need his full medical records to know THAT. Ahem.
The doctor sent us home with prescriptions and extra patches. We'll see how RRock keeps up with it. THAT is the kicker to me. HOW on earth do we monitor those little boogers?!
Today, I don't care. Today I spent hours with my favorite 14 year old. And today things were done to help my baby. That's all I care about today. The rest I will fight on another day. Tonight The Lone Ranger & Tonto sleep.

Tuesday, June 09, 2015

Over The River & Through the Woods

Over the river and through the woods to court we go again...
This time was different. Whether it was because I was so utterly exhausted from all the work & mental energy I had put towards Carson/Texas the past 8 months, OR because I just didn't know what to expect. Either way, it was different.
I did not know at all what to expect going in. And for once I didn't prep one little thing.
I didn't have my usual note cards, agenda or even a mental game plan.
My prep this time was a long, hot shower and some Mega Stuff Oreos.

I met up with the DHS worker as soon as I arrived at the courthouse and told her I was sort of hoping someone would be found in contempt of court & go to jail. She said the people at risk wouldn't be in the courtroom. I volunteered to go on the ride-along to get them and I offered to buy lunch.
She laughed. I was pretty serious but, whatever.
The wait was long but our time before the judge was short.
The judge wasn't pleased it took Rose Rock so long to obey two court orders and hand over Carson's medical records.  The DHS worker, Carson's attorney & I were all surprised that the judge had a copy. None of us had received one. And there we were in black & white on the court order to be provided copies.
So I guess it's Rose Rock's way of doing the bare minimum of what they had to, to not end up in jail. But show control by not providing them to anyone else.
AND---the cherry on top?  The medical records do NOT show that Rose Rock has EVER had a doctor see Carson's arms.
Which means they've been lying all along. To DHS, to us, to the judge.
I'm sure you're as shocked by this as I am.

Now, the judge wants DHS/me to take Carson to see an outside doctor this week.
Our new DHS worker has contacted me already this evening and wants me to make the appointment and pick up/take Carson to the appointment.
So there's where we are folks. More shocking examples of the facility not being held accountable and the good guys not having much recourse. This is life. And I find it to be the sucky side.



Wednesday, May 27, 2015

New Hoop, Old Monkeys

Here we are a few weeks out from another court date, and new hoops are appearing to jump through.
According to our DHS worker, RoseRock won't provide proof an independent doctor has seen Carson or provide his medical records to her/us. They say she isn't entitled to that information. We have a court order they are failing to comply with---I called our lawyer & left a message hoping he will find someone in contempt & have the judge send them to jail. I have so many words for these people but my mama might be reading this so I'll refrain.
Oh and then, RoseRock is officially kicking son#2 out. The HineyHole Therapist has continued to fabricate Carson's progress to the OKHealthCareAuthority, that he is doing SO well, they want to discharge him ASAP.  In reality, HHT is done with my son and wants him gone. Master Manipulator.

Remember the waiting lists in OK & TX I've spoken about? 10 years in Texas and 8 years long here in OK? Those are for DDSD (Developmental Disability Services Dept). They get your child what he/she needs in-home or otherwise. That would be why we cannot just pick up and move to Texas.
However, when we did the Special Needs Petition with Carson, the state/DHS sees it as a more immediate need for those DDSD services. Therefore they bump him up on the 8 year waiting list.
So--RoseRock discharging Carson---GREAT thing. We need him out of that place for his own safety. BUT--there is nowhere else in the entire state to send him but Tahlequah/group home.
The group home in Tahlequah, only has one opening at the end of this month. Carson could get that spot, however, another child at RoseRock is in the EXACT same position & will be taking that spot.

When RoseRock says get out, and DHS/DDSD says there is nowhere else for this child to go (by the way, usually it's a shelter they kick them too but those are shutting down in OK as well), the STATE OF OKLAHOMA, will have to pony up it's very own dollar bills, to pay RoseRock to keep Carson there.
Now, you may ask--what is the difference on the state funded insurance of OKHealthCare for disabled people paying for Carson to be housed at RoseRock as opposed to the STATE of OK paying for Carson to be housed at RoseRock.
I don't have a clue. Not a one. But I'll tell you this...the STATE of OK approved to pay for RRock/Carson to stay---in less than 48 hours.
Amazing how quickly THAT money was freed up, huh????

I mean, what about all these poor kids in Dallas/San Antonio & God knows where else in the STATE of TX being snatched up and cut off from funding and sent "home"--back to the great state of Okla-sucking-homa????? Texas is terribly disgusted and disillusioned with if ever to trust the STATE of OK again. They can't believe the flippant way the state is treating the continued care of vulnerable kids from their state. Brace yourself, I'm going to yell...

THE ENTIRE REASON THESE KIDS ARE IN TEXAS IS BECAUSE OKLAHOMA HAS NOTHING TO PROVIDE THEM WITH FOR CARE!!!! SO TAKE THEM OUT OF THE ONLY HOME THEY'VE REALLY EVER KNOWN, AND SEND THEM BACK....SEND THEM BACK TO WHAT EXACTLY????? WHAT IS YOUR PLAN HERE OKLAHOMA HEALTH CARE AUTHORITY????????????????
HOPE THEY GET LOST BETWEEN TEXAS AND THE OKLAHOMA STATE LINE???  HOW ON EARTH ARE YOU GOING TO HOUSE/FEED/PAY PEOPLE TO TAKE CARE OF THESE KIDS/YOUNG ADULTS NOW??? YOU THINK YOU'LL SAVE MONEY RENTING HOUSES & STICKING THEM IN THERE??

Don't quote me on this--but a little birdie told me the government has provided OK with money that they have misused---I'm shocked, aren't you? And so either that money was providing for these kids and it's now gone/been yanked away after misuse OR because that money is gone, the state is making up for the deficit in other areas and squeeze these kids money/fund till it squeals.

So, our State Congress has adjourned for a few weeks, and I have some meetings I'm trying to get in the works to where hopefully I'll get to ask for some of that newly budgeted money to go for my child to get care SOMEWHERE ELSE. And if not, I will be at every news station in town, online, talking to any reporter that will listen, I don't care if it's a sports reporter--until someone makes this happen for Carson & guarantees me and THE STATE of TX that his money won't be yanked.

The DHS worker called & let me know yesterday that there will be a meeting here in Tulsa soon with DHS/DDSD/me and told me to be prepared that DDSD will be asking if they brought Carson home & provided a 12 hr shift person to stay with him---would we let him come home.
I find this harder than probably a lot of questions to answer. The answer is no. There are so many things I could go into of why. And I could write on & on about my mommy soul wanting him with me, to take care of him myself---but here isn't good enough for Carson. Not anymore. It's a fact. He isn't happy here. So I'm thinking on my response wording for the meeting.

So here we are, new hoop, same old monkeys. If your thing is to send out good, positive vibes, energy, gamma rays to HHT, or just love--I'm open & receiving Sister Sunshine! If your thing is praying, I'm open to it Brotha!
Bring it on for Carson!!  You have been troopers that have continued to care, not been afraid to ask, and continued to pray for my child---nothing I can ever say or do, repays that but from the bottom of my mommy soul I thank you.
If you do pray and you've seen how deeply I believe prayers have worked on Carson's behalf so far--then keep it up.
Pray for his safety first & foremost. It terrifies me more & more.
Pray for kindness from his workers & staff that surround him daily.
Pray for the kid that gets to move out & pray for the kids still left there at RoseRock with no other place to go. God bless them & put His hand on them.
Pray for open eyes & hearts as this new hoop develops and what it will mean for Carson. It could just be the gateway to Texas swinging open. Good Lord almighty, I pray that's true.
Pray for those kids--many non-verbal--being picked up & moved from TX to wherever the next place is. I pray it's safe & one day they can return.
Pray for the right people to be in the right place for me to meet with along the next few weeks, so that hearts & the State of OK's budget is opened and Carson can be moved and make the path a lot easier on kids behind him.
Pray I get to make my case in front of those that can help. And make it loudly.
And please pray that this is resolved soon. The waiting, the hanging on by my fingernails is getting to be a lot. At this rate I need a major manicure.

Monday, May 18, 2015

No Matter How They Toss the Dice

I went to see son#2 today with our DHS worker. There were some interesting developments.
She is really going to be promoted--5 months after the fact--starting June 1.
Her supervisor will take over Carson's case & she will still be available for me to contact if need be. Breaking in someone new on your team. Bringing them up to speed --never the most fun of jobs.
Also, us going together was a stand up to the hiney hole therapist--which I thought went well. He was quite polite & nice to us both. But afterwards, she told me that on her last visit---she had needed to cancel. She emailed AND left him a voicemail that her co-worker was coming instead. Turned out to be her supervisor. Well, when Ms.DHS Supervisor got there to see Carson, no one was at the front desk. So she found someone in an office & asked them to page Mr. Hiney Hole Therapist.
This person did. On speaker phone. And apparently, Mr. HHT proceeded to rant & rave about how she couldn't just DROP in and that he was so sick of this situation etc.
Which being on speaker phone, allowed Ms. DHS Supervisor to hear every last word.
Mr. HHT was then informed that, in fact, that IS what DHS does. Drop in. To your home, to your institution. So--take care of your business & shut your pie hole.
Our DHS worker feels this has led to a better attitude displayed today by Mr. Hiney Hole Therapist.
I concur.

DHS worker says DDSD has some group home openings this summer--maybe July--for some kids aging out where Carson could take their spot. She did not say where they were. They need RR to provide a psych evaluation & a full medical eval.
Mr. Therapist is a flip flopper who will say one thing like, "Well, we can't possibly schedule that psych eval quickly. It takes time. Last time it took months to get one done."
Wait 1-2 minutes----"You can move Carson maybe in July? Well, our doctor who does those can probably get here in a week or two. I'll call him today."

"Carson bites his own arms. We've seen him do it." says HHT.
Wait 1-2 minutes---"A new kid has bit Carson & even hit his back. So see he isn't hurting him back, he's not aggressive & can go home." Umm do you realize you've told me you WATCHED someone hurt my kid and that he was bit by someone else???? You idiot. You have told me things you probably shouldn't have, in your hurry to prove yourself right. And I won't ever believe Carson is biting his own arms, until you show me footage.

"Carson keeps peeing in the chair in my office. He doesn't seem to want to potty train."
Again...1-2 minutes--"No Carson isn't wearing diapers. We are just using underwear on him. That's how we're potty training him." says Mr. Therapist. Pretty sure he's peeing your chair because you don't have a diaper on him genius.

 Umm yeah I'm not too convinced he's a grown up to be honest with you. He's so quick to say everything isn't his fault or his responsibility, he can't even see he's sinking his own battleship. His ego is such that he cannot even grasp what to do with Carson since he can't sit down & do group therapy with him. What I wouldn't give to see him in the court room with me. Or a dark alley.

We go back to court in early June, so we'll see what happens between now & then. I have some things still in the works for Texas. Some meetings still on the horizon & some people still working for Carson & I. I have not given up, nor do I plan to. I hate to see Carson moved several times--the stress will not be good to him. But if they need to do this to exhaust all avenues, I won't be able to stop them.
I don't know that I showed you his arms from last time---but the judge court ordered an independent doctor to see Carson. Rose Rock informed DHS worker that they had already done that.
And that he was on two weeks of antibiotics. DHS worker asked for documentation to back that up, and RR did not provide that. DHS worker has sent for new court order for ALL Carson's medical records for while he's been there to be sent to her/copied. They are supposedly working on that.
So tomorrow Mr. Lawyer will be emailed to get on the case of why we can't follow a judge's court order. The judge may not have a lot of say---but you WILL obey what she has the power to order you to do. I personally hope they push her. I'd like to see what happens. Just for kicks & giggles.

Things aren't done, but I feel this new holding pattern isn't going to be this way long. Things will be moving & changing soon. I can feel it in my mommy heart. I'm biding my time.
So I wait. Waiting on the Lord. Renewing my strength so I can mount up on wings like eagles.

But, I leave you with a confession--I have never seen a resemblance between Carson and  I. I always assumed he looked like someone on my biological side. He's so handsome. So different than the other two with his dark skin and almost black eyes.
But while looking through some old pictures, I saw it. The first & only time. We both love to laugh.
And yet we both can be so very serious. You just have to be around enough to see that side of us.

"Me and you. You and me. No matter how they toss the dice. It had to be. The only one for me is you. And you for me. So happy together."

I love those words to that song. You and me. Me and you.
It was always going to be Carson and I.  Always.
There was a plan at work long before I ever dreamed he existed.
When I saw him today, he hugged me for a very long time. Wouldn't let go.
Oh my word did I need that hug.
It was like time stood still in that hug and all the worry I'd been holding inside. All the stress that my chiropractor says I carry in my shoulders--it all melted away.
Carson and I both run hot. We have very warm skin. We always have. It was like our hug just boiled everything down to the basics--I love you. You love me. We can't be together. I hurt. You hurt. I wish this wasn't happening. Me too. I love you. I love you more.
We said all that. Like we always do--without any words.


Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Court



 #1--the DHS worker talked to the abuse hotline & they dropped the second/most recent case saying it was a repeat call/same arm. I was livid.

#2--She also saw Carson yesterday & his arm is much, much worse. She had pictures. He is unable to leave his sleeve down and wants to itch/pick at the area which is larger & more red.

#3--The state IS cutting contracts with facilities out of state because their budget got cut. And OK Health Care Authority, which funds Carson's living arrangements, "feel all Carson's needs are being met at Rose Rock. And he will soon meet the baseline of all we can expect from him goal wise in life. And we don't feel like sending him out of state."
Ooohhh really Oklahoma?! REALLY?! So they aren't interested in sending him to Tahlequah/People Inc. They think he is just fine where he is.

The judge was appalled at the new pictures from yesterday. We all agreed it's terribly infected. She asked if a medical doctor had looked at it--DHS worker said RR's dr had. I piped up that RR's only on site medical dr was a psychiatrist. The judge ordered we find an outside dermatologist/dr to come & look at Carson's arm. She later even thought of a Dr to scan/email the pictures too. And wants a report in the next weeks.Our attorney informed the DHS worker if she found people weren't moving, let him know & he'd draft a petition and have the judge sign it.

We discussed how Rose Rock doesn't even WANT Carson there. The judge's hands are tied & Rose Rock has Carson approved to stay until May 5--after that, we'll see if they try to discharge him. The next step seems obvious to me. I will need to make a trip to the capital & call a meeting. Those are the only people who have any power to free up funding for Carson & any kid like him who the state of Oklahoma, cannot meet their needs. The judge mentioned Chicago as the origin of Rose Rock and if it would be better--but should that become a real option, I plan to point out I cannot check on him/be available for him as I could in an adjoining state. But right now, I'm not worried about that. I'm thinking of ways to put the screws to Rose Rock. I cannot tell you how many agencies & people I run into who think that Rose Rock is fantastic.

The stupidity of this state amazes me. I mean, you haven't managed to care for my child--and you feel that's okay. That his physical needs or mental stimulation do not matter--not just to you, but at all!
 Let me just tell you where you went wrong Oklahoma. It would have been sooo much easier & soooo much cheaper you money hungry fools, if you had given me not only what I wanted & asked nicely for, but had actually proven you cared about my child's well-being. Because I can guaran-damn-tee you that now--NOW, it is going to cost you so much more to shut me up about your ineptitude, than it would have to give it to me when I asked nicely. Watch me play your game and beat you at it suckers!

Monday, April 27, 2015

Avalanche

Tomorrow we go to court once again. It's not a new experience anymore. But tomorrow feels important. The facility son#2 is in, wants him gone. And the facility son#2 is in isn't able to treat him in the way that is acceptable. He needs better care & he needs to be safe.
Court is always something I can't predict. I never know exactly what will be decided or what will be determined. I have an idea of what I'll say and maybe what subject will be discussed. That's it.

The main players will all be there as they always are. My son's attorney, my attorney, our DHS worker & of course the judge. It occurred to be this past week that they are all going about their lives as if tomorrow is an average day. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing special, and nothing that will impact their lives in any real way. Much like you who are reading this post.
But me, I've been counting months, weeks & days to get to this point. I've been making phone calls, sending emails, badgering people, leaving messages, traveling and just processing it all in my head. Working it all out for myself in my head. Plotting. Planning. And most importantly praying.
Tomorrow will indeed impact my life & my son's life. I don't know how yet, but I'm sure it will.

What I don't know is if tomorrow will be the beginning of a snowball or has the snowball been gaining momentum since January? Has it accumulated like I feel it has? Has the "snow"-- the issues I've been working on for my child, stacked up into a drift? To me it feels like the snow has all gathered on the edge of a cliff and it's waiting. It's waiting for one loud sound, a jostle, a shake--and it will all come down like an avalanche. Tomorrow feels like it could be the end of my world.
It doesn't mean it will be, but it feels like it could be.

There are several ways tomorrow could end up. I fully expect between the pictures I have of Carson's arms, and the DHS worker filing papers to move him out of the state--that we will all agree he cannot stay where he is currently living. That would be a relief to me.
But what if the state will not pay to send him to Texas? What if the state of Oklahoma sends him to Tahlequah where there's an opening in May & I'm afraid he'll be stuck until he's 18? What if he's IN Oklahoma when he turns 18 yrs old which will mean they will put him in a house with a worker to live the rest of his life alone?
My heart & mind ache from all the questions and worry I've felt the past month. It's been all consuming. Scary.

I've worked away for him, not thinking of anything else, and I've distracted myself in any way possible. Trying to keep my mind away from the "what ifs", knowing I have no real control. I'm a pawn in a game, pretending to be the queen. I'm doing my best to move the pieces and make them want to help me win. So many pieces to move. The facility in San Antonio lost their contract with Oklahoma. Will Oklahoma make a new one for Carson? Will this horrible decision of our state kicking those kids out, actually make room for my child? Is this God's plan to get Carson in there?

I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high. I'm a realist and I by nature, like to be prepared for the worst case scenario. But I can't seem to allow myself to consider it very long. It's upsetting.
It's debilitating. I have one other plan in my back pocket. I have kept it as an ace up my sleeve. A "just in case", "break glass in case of emergency" type scenario---the press.
I played the card game Spades in college. A lot. You kind of had to. I'm not sure I knew anyone that didn't sit down in the student center and play a hand now & then. Spades is all timing. When to play your trump cards. If you get a good partner or even just a person you know really well, you can play it all with your eyes. Time it all out, spanking tricks left & right---winning the hand--IF you have the timing right on your trumps. You don't have to have the biggest trump---the ace of spades--but you need to have your timing right. And we all know an ace never hurts either.

I need my timing to be right when and if I use the press, once I do it I can't go back. And I won't be able to play the game the same way I have before. All the rules will change & the strategy will shift.
I don't want to have to do all that. I don't want to have to start a new game. I want to finish the one I started. I want to win. I'm pretty competitive. Okay, I'm a lot competitive.
But mostly I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting & I'm tired of seeing my son unhappy. Unhealthy.
I want to see my son happy, healthy & to see him learning. I want to see the finish line and the light at the end of the tunnel.

I spent this Saturday on a farm all day. I enjoyed the peace, the quiet distraction & the nature. Feeling the breeze through my hair. After so many rainy, cloudy days lately, enjoying a blue sky with not a single cloud in it made me smile all day. I felt like God was physically granting me peace. Peace for my brain. Peace in my heart & peace for my soul. I'm trying to hold on to it. That realization that God is bigger than all of my plans, phone calls, emails & contacts. God is bigger than the state mental health budget. And God is bigger than anything I may have forgotten to do before tomorrow. God has brought Carson & I this far---and I'm not jumping off the train just because it got dark when we went through a tunnel. I'll wait. We'll wait. Carson & I have faith. Expect miracles.


Friday, March 20, 2015

Powder Keg

Dear Carson---

I was just with you. My time with you is always so precious & it goes so very fast baby. I will never forget every detail of this visit.
I came in with my guard down. I was more focused on somewhere I was going afterwards. On the big picture, not on this visit.
I was complacent. Extra complacent. The therapist told me your arms had healed. That I would be surprised at how good you looked. And because of that, I wasn't expecting to see you torn into. A piece of you literally missing. A piece that we'll never get back. Just a hole. A new scar one day.

Blood all over your shirt. Your blood on my shirt. You were so calm. I was calm.
No one had answers. We walked to the nurse. I was so quiet. I don't think I said three words in 20 minutes.
Carson there was a lump in my throat the size of a golf ball and Mommy couldn't hardly breathe much less swallow.  Did you feel me shaking? You had to. My hands never stopped touching you.
I brought you there for your safety, the family's safety and I let you down baby.

We walked for quite awhile today and I talked to you telling you all about your brother's birthday party, his basketball camp. I told you how much we missed you, and loved you. You are missed baby. Every day. I couldn't bear it if you thought because we weren't with you we forgot you. When I dropped Grayson off for his playdate so I could come see you, he reminded me to take pictures and tell him all about you when I got home.

I can't show Grayson these pictures Carson. They would scare him. He would be so sad to think someone was mean to you.
I called your therapist on the drive home. I asked if they found out what had happened.
He said some other kid just hit you out of nowhere & then you were upset and bit yourself.
Baby, I don't believe them. Mommy has been too trusting. I've taken their word for it that you've been biting your own arms & I don't believe them anymore.
This had JUST happened, I know it. You were calm, not angry. This was a bite---a hard, knotted, swollen bite mark. The only mark on you at all. That's not how you are when you're upset. There was no blood on your mouth, but there was peanutbutter from lunch. And if this happened before lunch, why hadn't you been to the nurse before I took you?? More questions than answers.

Baby--with every fiber of my being I do not believe you did this to yourself. And I'm no longer believing you did all the other bites that will leave scars all over your arms. Your arms and mine have all those white lines don't they? Battle scars from autism. I don't want mine to ever go away.
I used to try and hide them. I'd wear long sleeves to church so no one would ask me what happened.
So I didn't have to worry about anyone thinking less of you.
You know what? Now I don't care who sees them. I want them to be seen. I wish I had more. I wish I had every single scar off your arms put onto mine. I would take them for you if I could.
I hate that I've let this happen to you. I hate that I am forced to trust anyone with your care that isn't me. It makes me so angry.

Car-Car I keep that anger bottled up. I have learned to not let that out. It's a powder keg of emotions waiting to explode on a daily basis.
I don't know what a normal reaction to this type of thing is anymore. I wish to God I did. What's okay to feel and act on? I've played the game too long haven't I?  All I know is I felt so disgusted. I wanted to throw up. I had to keep myself together for you. You didn't want me to leave. You had such a grip on me to not leave you, I have a couple bruises on my arm from your grip. You tried to talk to me. You kept making a noise over & over. Staring me in the eyes. Imploring me to know what you were saying. It broke my heart in half. All I could say was I know baby. What kind of mother leaves their child after that??
How horrible am I to walk away--to leave you there??
I sat in the car baby and hot tears leaked out. I was shaking trying to keep myself together. Sick to my stomach and I was paralyzed. I couldn't leave the parking lot.
I felt helpless. So much stress. How do I hold up my own body? How did I let this happen?
I was numb and feeling overwhelmed with emotion all at the very same time.

I work so hard at keeping a lid on this powder keg Carson. I try every day to keep all my emotions in check when it comes to you. It won't help you if I unpack them all from the powder keg and have a pity party. But baby, today they lit the fuse.
Honey--mommy is going to a place she can't come back from. I think they think I'm stupid Carson.
The mom in me cannot let them take advantage anymore of my patience and the barrel they think they have me over. My job is to do as much as I can for you every single day. It wasn't enough today baby. I'm so so sorry.
Hurting a vulnerable person has lit the powder keg that contains my mommy soul & I will not rest until you are out of this hell hole and everything they do & don't do is brought under a magnifying glass to be gazed on by the world.

People have to see our arms Carson. They HAVE to look and be disgusted. They have to be made to feel uncomfortable and they have to not be able to not forget those images. THEN, they will help.
You can't speak. You never have. My voice is yours and although you've been away from me, more than with me the past 3 years of this journey--I WILL not let this voice be quiet any longer.
Yes my focus was on a bigger picture--and has hard as it is for me to admit, I think this will be good for the outcome of your journey. I think this was a key turning point.
I hate with every thing in me, that this happened to you. But I know with just as much inside of me, that this is IT baby. We will get you out of there and we will not be going back. I will make this place a place that no one who sees it's disgusting laziness, will be able to look away from.
Your story will be heard and as long as I breathe you will have me to fight your battles baby. Consider the fuse lit.

~Mommy